Author Topic: Board exit options  (Read 2549 times)

teartracks

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Board exit options
« on: February 23, 2009, 08:08:46 PM »
Hi everyone,

The subject of alternative exit options started popping up regularly almost immediately after Dr. Grossman's announcement that he would make a decision about the future of the board by August 09.  Whatever they are, the exit options are limited from his side and our side and maybe that is what drives the thoughts  I'm expressing here, however random.

I'm not sure I know how to fully express how I am feeling about it all, the members, the current activity or lack thereof, and the board's future.  I know that I feel sad and frustrated, but when I wipe the mist from my eyes, I'm not sure I have the right to those emotions.  Without regard for that, I think the thing that frustrates me most right now is that there seems to be an unspoken agreement between us all to mutually abandon.  It's that unspoken part (just like in families) that I find troubling and mystifying.

We've talked a lot on the board about fear of abandonment, and how awful it felt to be abandoned.  But never in my memory was a thread ever created to address the subject of 'how to abandon someone without doing harm',  In other words, we never talked about what it felt like to be the abandoner.  And please be assured that I'm not talking about individuals here, I'm talking about how the board is crumbling right before our eyes and we aren't and probably don't know how to talk about it coherently.

All of this makes me feel that if an unspoken agreement to mutually abandon can occurr practically out of the blue, then we're still up to our eyeballs in denial and simultaneously sitting smack dab in the middle of abandoning and being abandoned.   And if it sounds like I don't know what the hell I'm talking about,  I don't


tt



« Last Edit: February 23, 2009, 10:41:06 PM by teartracks »

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2009, 11:36:12 PM »
hi tt

I know what you mean. No one is mentioning the elephant in the forum. Methinks this could be a state of denial, and we won't realize it until this page no longer pops up, but we will try, day after day will no results, then finally we will realize we lost something without trying to save it.

I was re-visiting my life once recently and comparing the last 40 years of disability with the length of time I have known Ken, (42 years, 2 years I worked for him before the accident) and then he came twice a week and NEVER mentioned the accident. I was the elephant on the stycker frame.

Then it dawned on me that no one mentioned the accident.

Everyone was in denial and left me with just my own head spinning in circles and it's scary inside my head, all alone.

Another thing, too, is that when I finally left the hospital after the year, I must have been well , as though I just had my gall bladder out, because suddenly no one was visiting me., or sending cards etc. and I was still disabled and weak as a kitten.....just Ken and his controlling Nish ways that I see now was 2 parallel lives for me, dealing with 1.) learning to live as a disabled person and mother, and 2.) dealing with trying to not upset my boss because I needed the job.

We never stop learning. I just started slowing down immediately trying to climatize myself, but I doubt I will.

www.nevergoodenough.com is for DONMs so that won't be me.

I'm just an N magnet, or was.....

I can relate to 'abandonment'.

Izzy
« Last Edit: February 23, 2009, 11:37:50 PM by Izzy_*now* »
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2009, 07:13:14 AM »
I hear ya, I think... TT.

But instead of mutual "abandonment", I see the current slowness on the board as a sign of individual growth: we're re-connecting with 3-D life in our various ways. The zeitgeist of the group evolves over time - people came and went even when this was a crazy busy place. The reason for being here now can change, too. And dear, you have the absolute right to feel whatever you feel!

I see and feel the sadness, too... but at the same time, I'm so glad for everyone's busyness, their self-sufficiency to keep working through on their own. And life calls... whether it's family, studies, work, friends and other relationships... I put my life "on hold" to deal with what I had run away from and was forced to let go, 40 years ago. That work is over and my life needs me. I've learned healthier ways to cope... now, I need to put those lessons to use and practice them.

For me, "there" is now - and it's totally up to me to decide whether to continue the "old" stuff or make what I've wanted & longed for, REAL. Absolutely nothing in the way... not even my mother's continued patterns of being. I can ignore her and not answer the phone... and I CAN say what I think & feel - she is so self-involved that she barely notices, unless I set a boundary with her... tee-hee!... guess what I'm going to do a lot of?? When she attacks, she's actually giving me the opportunity to change the way it affects me... to overcome the old crushing, suffocating feelings... and to validate my self, my reality, and to deny her the satisfaction being able to hurt me. I choose how I feel and I am no longer surprised at the depths she will sink to, to try to control my feelings. I am claiming my right to my own life, free of the old protective, sabotaging, defense-patterns of surviving abuse.

And still - I visit here every day. Each person here has been a gift, to me. And I visit to see if I can return the favor, for someone. To laugh a bit, share our "shared secret" of what it's like to walk through valleys of shadows to peace and light. To be able to say: yeah, I think I know what you're saying and how that feels. For the longest time, I felt like I was the only person who felt "like that"... as if I was so weird, screwed up, strange... and I felt like this made me bad or less than, somehow. This community isn't so much "virtual", in that it became "home" for me - the place where people understand, sympathasize, encourage, support, and shed light on the darkest parts of the path... to light the way to where I am now.

Lately, I've been finding that many people in 3-D are starting to share the same kinds of feelings; the same kinds of experiences. As if it's a common, shared experience of the human condition... and not weird at all. Not so unusual. There is a real need "out there" for the kinds of things we've learned and in some surprising people and situations. I find myself explaining what I've been through - it just falls out of my mouth - and then pointing them down the path to "somewhere else". Passing it on.

Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2009, 11:36:38 PM »
TT - thank you for this thread. 

The concept of abandonment as applied to this board connects for me.  But it feels too dangerous to discuss.  I can't help but think of the remark by the Atty. Gen. about America being cowards when it comes to discussing race - it is too volatile.  Discussing abandonment here seems to be too volatile - like a lightening rod.

Part of me would like to address the sense of abandonment I feel here now but part of me doesnot want to be set up to be blasted by someone who perceives things differently.

I deeply miss what this place once was.  But at the same time I found another forum that has none of the reactiveness and only support and that is definitely a more comfortable experience.  It is not more active than this place is now but it feels safer.

teartracks

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2009, 04:17:51 PM »



GS,

I'm glad you've found an interactive board that suits you.  That has to be a big help.

I think I stood to benefit from about 95% of VESMB's content.  Not necessarilly that everyones life experience was applicable to mine, but the reading, the opinions, the ying and yang, the quarrels, all of it.  The thing I disliked the most was when a fickle to the core person(s) posted with nary a hint of affectiom, concern, or respect for what the board stands for, the hard work it took to create and maintain, and what it stands to accomplish or has accomplished.   

Many times I am too occupied with getting through the day to read or post, but I love this board.  I feel vested in it on so many levels.  I remember discovering it as if it were today and look back on the many ways it has aided in my recovery.

Love,
tt


Izzy_*now*

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2009, 05:30:26 PM »
What I appreciated the most was the gang here and how we interacted.

For me there was no finger-pointing, being laughed at, ridicule, being left out……….as I was when growing up with 2 parents and 4 siblings. We NEVER talked this openly at all! I expect they are in denial, known only to each, and never saw a therapist. I cannot talk to them about any of this.

A problem arises, others comment, the poster can go back and discuss it again and  then update improvements and others will be happy for her We took an interest in one another.

Now I am almost 70 and life re my family is the same as when I was born-- nothing at all like this was and now this is ending

My life is ending . At my age it is difficult to relate to other women in my age group who have been married for 50 years and perhaps never went through any abuse.

I am currently trying to set it all out in book form, but I doubt I would ever send it out.  I think it might be more fitting for my daughter’s information and she can write far better than I and can write HER story. After all, there is far more about her ex husband, the N, than I know and I’ll be dead by the time she is published.

xx
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

debkor

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2009, 05:38:16 PM »
Izzy,

I have checked out nevergoodenough.  I'm just wondering Not that We don't fit in there for N experience is a nightmare alone no matter how you got there...but...if they want it more restricted. 

I think I will ask them.

Love
Deb

mudpuppy

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2009, 11:05:26 AM »
The board is dying for one reason only; no new members. It always has been left behind by everyone who comes here in one way or another, either by truly leaving altogether or by working through issues and then commenting from a different perspective, usually less frequently. The absence of new people who find a safe place to work through some acute crisis or just to work through the realization of just exactly what it is they have been dealing with all these years, is like a society which stops having babies; it dies.

mud

sea storm

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2009, 12:31:40 AM »
There has been a life line here for me.  And for others. But it is a limited world of support. Communication is so much more than talking on the internet. I found safety here and understanding.  There is no death in that.  I am carrying on and survived a terrible experience that I would not have survived if this board had not been here. I spent months clinging to every word here. People came through here. I miss those angels even though I only know them in this cyber world.

Backing out and closure needed to happen once the goodbye was inevitable. The hen too knows that it is dawn but she leaves it to the cock to signal the dawn.

I will miss this place so much.

Love,

Seastorm

BonesMS

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #9 on: March 26, 2009, 02:49:40 PM »
I've tried out another Board but I don't feel the closeness there that I experienced here.

Bones
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lighter

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2009, 09:30:00 AM »
I feel sorrier for the newbies who're out there looking for information/sites.... unable to reach anyone here..... lost and sick.

For us.... I feel we've been blessed to have this place.... sad that it's dissolving, but lucky still. 

lostkitten

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Re: Board exit options
« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2009, 08:11:17 PM »
WOW!
THAT REALLY HURT!

After I wiped away the tears, and then picked my lower lip up off the floor, I hunted around and found Topic: “Plans for the Board”

I had wondered why nobody had joined the board since last June.

I understand Dr. G’s concerns for the new members who would have joined during the last year. I was so happy when I found this board. In order to help my youngest DD, and her family I ended up where I was not on-line (in-touch) for a pretty crappy year. I thought about this board a lot. Maybe I’m not normal. (Oh heck, we knew that.) This site was one of the first places I went to when I set this old computer up here at my new place. I did read the thread about the not good enough or whatever.

WOW! I don’t know what to say. I am sorry for you all, but I’m sure a number of you have connected through email and other ways. I feel somewhat hesitant about trying to get into another group and being rejected like what happened to me before I joined your group.

I guess I’ll just let this sink in and think about it awhile.
I guess I'll keep the name lostkitten after all. :(

Lost Kitten

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