There will be an outcome if you stay the course and give it all you've got and there will be an outcome if you accept the status quo.
You betcha! Remember what I said about looking for the middle path... and realizing that I was, yet again, projecting my original outrage onto a fact that I forgot to remember (that I don't matter to my FOO)?
Well, here's the decision that I came to: my old pattern would've predicted/dictated that I throw up my hands and simply walk away in frustrated outrage and to compensate for another "stick in the eye" ego-wound, give myself permission to indulge in self-destructive behaviors. I chose not to do this, this time. I took a huge risk (for me) and told my side of the story, explained about my brother, and informed about what action I will be taking in the future. I told this story to the trustee of the estate. I deliberately, intentionally did this - trying to contain my sarcasm (deflected anger), blaming, whining, etc; I intentionally broke the "taboo" and told my subjective side of the story in a way that honored the objective facts.
Well, yes - the old feeling of "what have I done?" and fear; feeling like I did a bad thing - all that came up, as a result. I am able to talk myself out of succumbing to that fear, more easily now - but I still have to do it! My email to the trustee was calm, rational, etc. I decided to let go worrying about the outcome of taking this risk... I really needed to do this for myself - no matter what happened as a consequence. At issue, emotionally, is the great fear behind my fear about "not being important" to my family and them not caring about things I think are important... behind that fear is their insinuation that I am the "crazy one"...
I thought it through for a couple of days. Argued with myself, if you like, about whether I needed to do this and whether it really would be me playing out the same old role in the FOO-game of uproar... and confirm through my story, that yes: Amber is a little "unstable"; a loose cannon with loose lips ... I realized if I kept my mouth shut - AGAIN - except to whine & protest about "unfairness", I was resigning myself to exasperated, impotent, powerlessness - AGAIN. Let the chips fall where they may: I couldn't choose the status quo, the same old same old - this time, because it would've been unfair to myself. I would've been sending the implicit message that I was accepting what my brother was trying to impose on me, that my boundaries weren't worth defending... and that I was going to allow him to make decisions in the business, based on a "feeling".
I know this sounds antithetical, to what many of us are trying to achieve - to really know our own feelings, and to bask in them and finally get to know ourselves through those feelings. After all, that was never allowed in many FOOs and we struggle with this for a long time - me too. But, to make important decisions based only on feelings and to deny the importance and reality of knowledge and information in the process is just as fallible and unfair to ourselves (and others) as not being allowed to have one feelings validated.
Subjective + Objective... not either/or.
As it turns out, the trustee heard me loud and clear. He agrees with my assessment of the situation - the objective parts.
And because, until the estate is settled, he is the only person who has legal authority and responsibility to act... He will be stepping in and insisting on a timeline and will complete the negotiation with our key employee. It was a bit of TMI, for him (I didn't get into the past history at all...kept my comments all on now items... no Twiggy history or mention of that) but on the other hand, he did appreciate that I would discuss what I saw happening with him, so that he could understand how best to proceed. He's expressed frustration with my brother, prior to this last meeting and transgression of decision-making protocol... and he was grateful to know my explanation of the "whys" behind the behavior.
It is actually a much better outcome than I could imagine. I will be designing and driving the corporate governance bit of the company, as it's just more of the kind of "stuff" that my brother doesn't think is important and he can't see why the IRS and SEC might think it's important. I will be forging a working relationship - on real work - with the key employee to help grow the company and keep it compliant with regulations. I'm not going to "go away" and nurse my wounds about what my brother's done in the contract negotiations; I'll let it stand and proceed with what I know is important - and that he couldn't care less about or doesn't understand. (The wounds aren't that painful; the nerve-endings die after repeated bludgeoning... ya know? It was still painful; still a shock; but I can't let that immobilize me in a situation that calls for quicker action. If I turned out to be wrong - so be it. I do admit my mistakes, own my own decisions, feelings, etc and move on. Not an iota of the old blame/shame can "stick", if I accept responsibility for my self.)
It helped me so MUCH in my thought process, emotional sorting out, and decisionmaking to remember the subj -- obj continuum. The biggest hurdle in all that, was to see that nothing has changed for my brother, nor my mother in their concept of "Amber"... and that no: what I think isn't important and I don't matter. It is what it is: a fact. And the sooner I let go the expectation that it will be different, the free-er I'll be from getting sucked into the same old games. And yeah, it makes me wince - it's as indigestible a "fact" emotionally as concrete is nutritionally... but ya know, I have lived with this understanding for quite a while... in the relative scheme of things - for me - it's just not that important anymore that they "love" me and treat me as if I'm allowed to have agency, thoughts and emotions myself. So many OTHER PEOPLE interact with me that way... that I get the emotional nutrients that I need and after all - they're only 2 people. It's a matter of fate, I guess, that I'm biologically related to them. I didn't get to pick them (as far as I know)...
so to keep myself safe from FOO-games and these kinds of shocks... all I have to do is remember that I'm not important to them. There is a lot of freedom in this. They're not allowed to have it both ways you know - don't tell me I'm not important, when we disagree over something YOU want to do... then make me all-important, when I go ahead and do what I want to do. Nope; just doesn't work that way -- unless I ACCEPT that double-dealing.
The old fear-reaction isn't bad; it comes up from time to time when I think about "what I did". Just like Twiggy's traumatic experience, I can't let fear keep me from thinking or doing. Her trauma was a once in a lifetime experience and the probability of it happening again is quite low. It's time she tried to recover the inherent self-confidence that enabled her to function better in a traumatic situation, than a lot adults did (my parents) or would have.
OH... and I don't think of Twiggy as my inner child anymore; nor my unconscious self... I use those descriptions sometimes, to distinguish me then and me now. There are a particular set of feelings that I attribute to Twiggy... but it's pretty obvious that if I can feel them - they're my feelings too. Twiggy = Amber. We are one and the same. My decision to "tell" is another step in that "integration process" that's been going on for the last year or two. My story doesn't exist on the board anymore, as I told it in the beginning. When I thought the board was going away, I deleted most of my old posts. I'm still considering my hubby's idea about writing a book about this, but I'm still not quite "objective" enough about myself and what I went through - yet!
