Thank you for your candidness, Ami. I can't imagine how you feel (sense of loss comes to mind) over your son but I'd like to hear.
Rose, I appreciate your statements of clarity.
I can see how I look to intact marriages and assume all is well. I did marry a man I did not love when I was very young. It was an early marriage and an early divorce and I struck out on my own after that. Sort of iike that Christopher McCandless in INTO THE WILD. But I have never experienced childbirth and people tell me that I would make (would have made
) a very good mother.
I try to get through the days as best I can. I would like to tell a story too:
in Fall 2007, I came back to the U.S. with all my belongings and my two cats with a o/w ticket to live here. My partner helped me move. We had just spent a lovely time together in Hawaii in July, 2007 with his son just several months before. The move was hard on me emotionally; leaving a great job, my niche of 17 years and saying goodbye to all my good friends. While my partner was helping me move, he began to get more and more intolerant of my emotions that came up involved in making this HUGE move. Right before the trip to the airport, he disappeared and showed up one day before the departure date. As soon as we got to the states, his friend picked us up, we moved to a location that was TOTALLY different from the big, Asian city I had called home for all those years. The first night in that badly-built cottage, I heard coyotes for the first time in my life. I had to buy all new furniture, live off my savings because I did not have a job, and my friends were suddenly 5,000 miles away. A week into this, my partner left me and start coming and going as he liked. There was no relationship anymore. He was using my place as a place to cook, take a shower and sleep. He told me that I had gotten fat and was inconsiderate to steal the covers in bed and he "had no interest" in sleeping with me anymore. That was Fall of 2007 and here it is summer of 2009 and I have finally realized that how he treated me was unacceptable!
After he left, I sent emails to my friends and family here in the U.S. None of my FOO members called except my mother. But I shouldn't be surprised as none of them called me when I lived overseas for almost 20 years. And now I get subtle clues that in order to have a relationship with them, I need to make the effort!
I called my family from overseas ALOT.
Somehow, I have managed to move out of that remote, isolated location and into the town I originally wanted to live in. My situation is not perfect but I am still gainfully employed, got a little raise and I'm looking to moving into a bigger place this summer. I'm visiting friends in Seattle for a couple of nights too - friends that I met after I came back to the states. Slowly, BUT SOMETIMES TOO SLOWLY things are betting better.
The point I want to make is that from the time I uprooted myself from my long life overseas up until the last two months, I felt that all this mess with my partner and my FOO was somehow all my fault. My partner even hit me once and I blamed myself.Now, fast-forward to April, 2009. A man I met at the same time as my ex-partner asks if he can stay with me for a little while. Almost 1.5 months later he is still here. He comes and goes when he wants, sleeps here, showers here and cooks here. He has not given me any money and I have not asked for it because he said he was trying to set up a learning foundation and I wanted to support that. While setting this up, he has not introduced me to his friends, spends alot of time with my ex and doesn't include me in anything. I have grown increasingly stressed out over this.
I told him today that he has to leave because I need my personal space back. Similar pattern: I sacrificed my well being and personal space in order to gain acceptance into a circle of people that this person is associated with.
Forget all these old habits of letting people use me in return for the promises of care and goodwill.
This is unacceptable. That is what I have learned in the past 18 months of my life. But, really, it is more of the same kind of sacrifices I have made my whole life for empty promises.
I will not sacrifice my precious life and peace-of-mind anymore for empty promises.
My intention is to make new habits and approach life with freshness along with a helluva lot of wisdom-coming-up. Beliefe in myself and my gut instinct. Not settling for empty promises and false hopes.
Using my goodness to help people and animals who really need it and show some appreciation, understanding, care and affection. Things I did not receive from the FOO.
But I'm still alive.
It is never too late.
Starting today.
