freedom

[seasons]

I'm working hard on recovery, and taking back my life.

Being consumed to the point of mental and then physical exhaustion really hit me. If you ever had a couple of glasses of wine or something and got up to stand and
started to walk, realizing you didn't have your balance, loss of control.
Well that's how I felt WITHOUT the Alcohol in my body. It's really amazing how deep they get into your head and it's effects.

My oldest Narcissistic Sister has had a grip on me. Since last September after her adult son 29 now committed a bank robbery (he lives with her alone) she has used me as her
supply even more.
I had a plan after he was sentenced I would go NC. It was a long 8 months but the time came. He received three years probation one year house arrest.
Well what does this have to do with me. His sentence i felt was my sentence. How she would react would be my sentence, what I would have to listen to, only you all know how meshed her mind and life would engulf me.

No argument, no trying to get her to understand how self and sick she is. Two weeks after his sentence, the day they gave him his ankle bracelet, that night after I listened too poor her/him etc. I hung up the phone.
Next day changed my phone and got a new number. That was 15 days ago.
15 days in my world with her feels like a life time.

I shakes for the first few days, scared my mommy / I  mean my sister was caught of guard. I agonized about what was she thinking first time she called and my phone number was gone.
I'm sure she thought I was going to call soon with my new number or use another cell to contact her.
One night I layed in bed and I cried, tears rolling down my face as I really faced the fact I may never see my sister for the rest of our lives. How real that was, how sad it was, HOW RIGHT IT IS was probably the saddest part.

Finally excepting she was killing me. That I have a right to save my own life and that this wouldn't kill her but safe me.

I know she must be one pissed of narc right now. grin
I always behaved so well. She must be thinking what happened to her, how dare she think she exists and can make a choice about her life, not continue to be my source of toxic dumping ground. I was her toilet and now she has now where to ###t.  Sick but that is the truth. Until she finds another NS. I hope she cant, how sad to think of the next victim.

She has already reached out to my brother. Telling him what I did ( what ever spin she put on that) to her, especially with ALL SHE IS GOING THROUGH, HOW COULD I?

He called his ex-wife to find out what was going on with me. H e acted like how could she do that to her. Only makes me laugh, if he is  so concerned about her, brother tell her YOU will be her next SUPPLY 24/7. Oops he didn't really mean he has that much sympathy for her, HE was just being nosy acting like the good guy. LOL
He hasn't been around for 8 months as she cried and whined. He only showed up and called her after I spread the word of my nephews sentence. He's a drama queen.

So yes the smearing of me has started. No suprise. It's o.k. I can take it, because it's all BS. I don't need or want anyone who isn't healthy, supportive and respectful of my decision.

I've been walking after dinner with my daughter, we hit the four mile mark the other night. Yeah! lol  It's great to share taking care of me with someone I love. It's great for the brain, feels so good as it makes me stronger physically and mentally.
I've lost 30+ lbs. for me! Narc couldn't steal that away from me. I think in the past 8 months I have been setting myself up for success.

I would of been on the phone before listening, or not, to my toxic sister. How sad is that. Missing my kids, letting their mother be stolen from them by a narc.

I can never make up all the time I have lost.

 But I am celebrating every minute, hour, day of my freedom I demanded back in my life. I matter, I count, I will do good, I will be a better person to share in this world.

Grateful to so many special people here.... ox to all.

 My journey has been longer than I had wanted, but i finally made it to my first destination, when............ I was ready.         Thank you!

[ann3]

Congrats, seasons!! 

I guess this July 4th will also be your independence day.

Perhaps, down the road, you can set the family straight as to how you felt:  Sister's dumping on you made you feel physically ill, so you had to run.  Maybe, maybe not, maybe you already did this, I don't know, just a thought.

Enjoy your freedom.

[seasons]

Congrats, seasons!! 

I guess this July 4th will also be your independence day. a beautiful way to think about this time in my life, thank you!

Perhaps, down the road, you can set the family straight as to how you felt:  Sister's dumping on you made you feel physically ill, so you had to run.  Maybe, maybe not, maybe you already did this, I don't know, just a thought.

Yes, sadly have been done this road many times. As they insert fingers in their ears as and sing..la..la..la..la..la..  I've given them a happy life up until now. As I was the full N Supply.

Enjoy your freedom.

Ann, thank you very much for your kindness.  seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons
 I know how hard No Contact can be. I have been NC with my parents for  6 months. I cycle through all sorts of feelings. I feel guilty, angry, vengeful, sad, alone . I don't think I will talk to them again,either.
 I talk to God. I say,"God, I can't take it(the pain, lonliness etc) and He comforts me.
 That is my life saver, His Presence.
  The next step,for me ,after NC  is to look at the mess in me.
  God has provided people to love me.
  I have had wonderful and unexpected blessings that seem to fall from the sk ,just for me.
  Your D sounds like a wonderful blessing for you.
  I bet that your S will be replaced by many blessings to come. Watch for them and then remember what I said. Love You Seasons   Ami

[seasons]

I know how hard No Contact can be. I have been NC with my parents for  6 months. I cycle through all sorts of feelings. I feel guilty, angry, vengeful, sad, alone . I don't think I will talk to them again,either.
 I talk to God. I say,"God, I can't take it(the pain, lonliness etc) and He comforts me.
 That is my life saver, His Presence.
  The next step,for me ,after NC  is to look at the mess in me.
  God has provided people to love me.
  I have had wonderful and unexpected blessings that seem to fall from the sk ,just for me.
  Your D sounds like a wonderful blessing for you.
  I bet that your S will be replaced by many blessings to come. Watch for them and then remember what I said.

Ami,

This rings so true in my mind and heart. Having two N sisters who played a bigger role in my life when I was a child, now that I have time to reflect, like you said, "is to look at the mess in me."
They tried to use our age difference as a tool of POWER over me. Tried to cast doubts in me that they had as much power over me as my parents. It was very threatening to me as a young child without a voice. I had no leveredge.
I don't think I ever felt grown up to them, until they needed me as a  N supply unit.

Odd thing happened, our power went out for a minute during a storm. First person I thought of was N. I can see how programed I am. I caught myself right away and proves to me how emerged I am/was.
She loves pity. So my first reaction was is SHE o.k., not me or my family. So out of whack, out of balance.
It was such a little thing but it made me feel sick to know how I have been trained.

I cycle through all sorts of feelings. I feel guilty, angry, vengeful, sad, alone .

I understand these feelings, ((Ami)).

I talk to God. I say,"God, I can't take it(the pain, loneliness etc) and He comforts me.
 That is my life saver, His Presence.
  The next step,for me ,after NC  is to look at the mess in me.
  God has provided people to love me.
  I have had wonderful and unexpected blessings that seem to fall from the sk ,just for me

I use to worry so much about how God would feel about me if I left my oldest sister. Finally this year I found him in my heart understanding I can't hold her hand anymore it/she is killing me.
That God doesn't expect ME to be able to fix her or be at the end of her abuse forever.

I believe he is there for my sister like he always has, and can be there for me too. 

Ami I am happy you have many blessings to be thankful for, I'm happier your able to receive them and finally see them. God is always good, even in our darkest days.

Thanks for sharing, I don't feel so alone. Much love to you...seasons

[JustKathy]

Congrats, Seasons, for having the strength to finally take a stand and do what was best for you. It’s hard to cut contact with a family member. No matter how wicked, how evil they are, it still hurts, because they’re family.

I related to so much of what you said, especially about the smear campaign. I cut contact with my N mother about 6 years ago, and the smear campaign began immediately. Some of it was in the form of emails that were CC'd to other family members, so I knew what she was saying (not sure if this was intentional, or if she's not Internet savvy and didn't know about BCC). A whole lot of fake tears and pity parties, that her first born, her beloved daughter that she loved more than life, her favorite child (who, yup, was excluded from her will), had abandoned her. And sadly, it appears that most family members bought it hook, line, and sinker.

I too, have gone to bed in tears at the thought that I may never see my mother again. And I don’t know why, because she did unspeakable things to me. But she’s still my mother, and it hurts. That reality is now hitting me harder, because she is terminally ill and has only a few months left. I’ve decided that I don’t want to visit her before her death. Extremely difficult decision to make, but unless she is comatose, she will use the opportunity to stick it to me one more time. So I can't.

Right now, what hurts more than losing M (which will ultimately be a relief), is knowing that the rest of the family will continue to view me as the bad guy who hurt her, wouldn’t visit her when she was dying, bla bla bla. I’m sort of looking that as stage two of the N experience. When M dies, I will be free of her torment. Yes, I WILL be haunted by bad memories for the rest of my life, but there will be no future attacks.  I will now have something new to contend with, and new decisions to make. Do I want to allow this smear campaign to stick, and know that everyone has been brainwashed into thinking poorly of me, or do I want to try and tell them the truth? I’m not sure. I guess I have to take it as it comes.

That’s one of the worst things about Ns. Not only can they cause you tremendous pain, but they are so amazingly convincing that they can add to your pain by turning others against you. I’m proud of you for standing up and saying, it’s okay, I can take it. Your sentence, “I don't need or want anyone who isn't healthy, supportive and respectful of my decision,” really gave me something to think about. You’re right. Anyone who would fall for a smear campaign is not someone who really loves and understands you/me (or wants to TRY to understand).

Not trying to take away from your issues, but I wanted you to know that your comments have helped me a LOT. By sharing your feelings, you’ve given another N victim a voice, or at least a wimper that may turn into a voice. So thank you for that.

I wish you all the best. It’s a gut wrenching decision to cut ties with a family member, and I’m so glad to hear that you are handling it well, even growing stronger. Congratulations on your weight loss. You’re right – N can’t take that from you. Stay strong. Stay happy. It's unfortunately true that you can’t get back the time you lost, but you can make the time you have left pretty special, and it looks like you're going to succeed at that. Being happy, healthy, fulfilled, and above all, confident in yourself - that's really the best revenge, isn't it?

Take care-
Kathy

[Ami]

Dear ((Seasons)))
 I think if you leave your S, God will NOT be mad. Would you want YOUR child to be abused? I know you love your D so much. That is how God loves us.
 God's love is the answer to all our problems BUT feeling it and believing in it is the hard part.        Love , Ami

[seasons]

Dear Kathy,

Thank you so much for your words of understanding. Especially today were very helpful to me.
I've had recent dreams/nightmares of my FOO family. I hope this is a normal stage of grieving and moving on.

Divorcing your biological family is such a taboo. Sad families can't see or choose not to see verbal and physical abuse. It shouldn't be a life sentence for anyone, it's not right, fair, such an injustice to any human being.

I think some of it plays on them not being the target at the end of the N's darts. Safe not to rock the boat even in the name of justice. If they don't play along they might be next. It's safe. Maybe I can understand, but wish they would share their fears, I would comfort them.

My sister that I"m going NC with is in her 10th year of remission from lung cancer. An added pressure not to abandon her, me her supply.
I finally had to take my health into account. It's not my fault she was sick, it's also a blessing she has been in remission for so long considering the type of cancer she has.

My heart truly goes out to you as you go through the terminal diagnosis of your mother. Losing two parents, while dealing with my siblings was unbearable.
Please protect yourself, take care of "YOU" more now than ever. People can use death as a devious weapon. I've been there, wish I new. It doesn't always bring an open loving heart.

We are bigger than any smear compain. Love and Truth will provail!

Thank you again for helping me. Sadly experiencing our pains together makes us stronger, loved, heard and the hope of a future with out abuse but love and light.

With sincere appreciation, love seasons

[Ami]

Thinking of you, (((Seasons))))))         Love,  Ami