Wow, Lizzie, that was quite a post indeed. There is a LOT there for me to think about. I will definitely read it several times over to be sure that I've absorbed it all.
I AM trying to consider my future with the family. I will have a few years now to reconnect with some family members (some elderly Aunts and Uncles) who I have been kept away from for years due to M’s manipulations. I wasn't expecting to have that opportunity.
It’s pretty much impossible for me to have an adult conversation with my father. His coping mechanism has been to behave like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. You try to start a serious conversation, and he’ll interrupt with “I get my coffee at Kmart.” If I didn’t know better I’d say he was “simple,” but he’s not. He held down a high-paying job as a videotape editor for one of the big three networks, and even won an Emmy. He knows what’s up. He just doesn’t know how to cope with anything. When something serious comes up . . . “bla bla bla bla Kmart is good.” It’s like dealing with a child.
So I can work with him, but in a limited capacity. There won’t be any serious discussions because he isn’t capable. What I can do is help with simple requests, like his asking me to send M a card, which hubby and I did do.
Dad called today and thanked us profusely for sending the card. Went on and on about how much it meant to M, how it lifted her spirits to hear from her daughter, how happy it made her, how much she loved it, yada yada. Yet M wouldn’t come to the phone to thank me herself. He had to thank me on her behalf.
What I got out of that call was not that M was happy to have received the card (she probably set fire to it as soon as he left the room), but that HE was happy we sent it. So for now, if I can keep him happy with small gestures that don’t hurt me, I’m okay there. We’ll just have to see what happens in the future.
There’s another issue that he has to contend with, and that's the N that my brother married, who my father referred to today as “the witch.” That really threw me, as he's not one to badmouth ANYBODY. So my guess is N SIL is probably already starting to make her move, finding ways to get her hands on M’s personal effects, etc. So my father is going to have to decide how to deal with her as well. M created this situation by giving SIL a free pass to mistreat everyone in the family, something she did to make my brother (the golden child) happy. That’s one he is going to have to deal with on his own. SIL is dangerous, has threatened and stalked me online, so I’m not stepping into that one, for my own safety. My father has a real mess on his hands, but there’s only so much I can do.
I honestly have NO idea what direction things will take, what will happen to the family dynamic, and so on. I think I’m going to have to take this day by day.
Ami, thank you for your kind words as well. I’m not familiar with Alice Miller, but will google her. And hugs back at ya. You are most certainly NOT the only one who drew a short straw when it came to mothers.