Sick with Anger

[sunblue]

Anger is truly an emotion that I have not often allowed myself to experience.  As someone who's suffered from depression all her life, the emotion that has most consumed me is bone-deep sadness and hurt.

But today I have been feeling such deep anger, I literally doubled over with the pain of it.  The source, as always, is my N family.  The trigger is not something that anyone else would probably even blink at.  But for me, somehow, it feels like an entire football team just kicked me in the gut. 

I have a seriously N mother, an equally N sister (Golden Child) and an extremely co-dependent father.  My N mother, who is recovering from a serious arm injury which she experienced when visiting the GC, and my Co-D dad returned from spending the long holiday weekend with the GC.  My Nmom can barely move but somehow she found the strength to spend the entire weekend out of state with my Nsis.  I was LIVID at their choice yet again because it was their only grandchild's birthday and once again, they chose to miss it.  They spend every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, every spare moment with the GC.  They ignore my brother and myself and now their grandchild.  She is 13 now and the absence of her grandparents has become obvious.

Meanwhile, I have shopped for them, picked up medicine, tended to their business needs, etc.  Once again they ignored and disrespected me.  They even chose to take the food I bought for them to the GC.  They announced once again that they would be spending the upcoming weekend with the GC......

It was at this moment I felt the anger seeping through me.  I felt so angry I could scream out loud.  I wanted to shake them, yell at them, ask them how they could live with themselves......(Then I logged on to this Message Board to regain my composure and vent to those who might understand.  Dr. G., it is moments like these that this board is truly life-saving

My Nmom and Nsis are truly, truly evil people...but I know in my heart my Co-D dad knows better....but he is worse than a trained puppy.  He goes along with whatever they want.  He chose to turn his back on his other two children and grandchild.  I feel great resentment and anger towards him.

I feel helpless and out of control.  I know intellectually I can't change these sick people.  I know intellectually that their behavior stems from a real sickness (although it is certainly within their ability to change if they so wished).  I know intellectually they will never care about or respect me.  I know intellectually they will never choose to spend time with me or express interest in my life.

So I am angry.....at them.....and at myself....because I am lonely and lost and alone.  I am angry because somewhere deep down I think I did not deserve this.  I am angry because the GC caused so much pain my whole life and she is the one who is rewarded.

I am angry because they will never acknowledge what they've done......and I am angry because no one cares.

So that is my vent for today.  I apologize for it.....but I feel as if I could explode.  I wish I had someone in my life who could help ease the pain...but there is no one.  I wonder to myself if there will ever be any justice for these Ns who've caused us all so much heartbreak.....who changed who we are...and who we might have been.

Can we really ever get past this?

[Hopalong]

I felt hope for you when I read about your anger, Sunblue...
but I'm not sure.

I wonder if you'll spend your entire life orbiting around these people who will never be able to respond to you in the way you wish they would.

I have so often wanted to see you carving out a new life in a new place, not living with them any longer. I don't know how it can ever change as long as you feel like Cinderella.

What are your other options for creating change in your life, that have nothing to do with them?

I've felt that kind of anger. It shook me out of my dependency. It helped release me from hoping my Nparent would become something different than she was.

There were several more years to go. She never did change. But that night, I began to.

I hope this anger is the beginning of your letting go of hope toward them, so you can turn it toward your own life and your own child.

Being their child, being her sister, are roles that are worn out and empty for you.

Is there any progress on employment or moving to a place of your own? Is there one small step you can make, some small sideline you could start to begin your own Freedom Fund? Anything that you could focus your energy on, that gives you hope?

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Sun
 I think anger is a really positive emotion for you, Sun. Anger is a powerful, outer directed emtion and depression in an inner ,destructive emotion.
 Alice Miller talks about rage as being the pivotal emotion in healing. It is the beginning of healing. I feel that you are stronger ((((Sun))))
    Love to you,  Ami

[JustKathy]

OMG Sunblue. You just described my family to the letter. The only difference being the golden child in my family is brother, not sister.

You described my father perfectly here "but I know in my heart my Co-D dad knows better....but he is worse than a trained puppy."

We're in the exact same place.

First of all, you have the right to be angry. For years I fought depression, allowed therapists to guilt me for "blaming" my parents. What finally changed my attitude was accepting (through the help of boards like this one) that is IS okay to blame them, and it IS okay to be angry. You have every right to be angry. We both do. We are emotionally damaged, and will be for the rest of our lives. We'll never feel normal inside, no matter how many books we read, or how many therapists we talk to. YES, we are allowed to be ANGRY.

I understand when you say that you feel helpless and out of control. I felt that way my entire life, until I decided to regain control. And what I did was drastic, and probably not the right thing for everyone. I went no contact with my N mother. It was HARD. It hurt, because cutting M out of my life also meant cutting my father out (trained puppy, package deal). I continued to speak with him on the phone, but no visits. It caused this internal tug-of-war, because like you, I knew in my heart that he knew better, but was too brainwashed and under M's control to ever change, or ever stand up for me. But still, he's my dad. That said, I still feel it was the right decision for me. Once I went no contact, she couldn't hurt me anymore. I stopped going over during the holidays and no longer had to watch the golden child showered with gifts and money. It was like being set free.

BUT, I am still angry. I'm angry that I was born into this nightmare. That I was such a wonderful and loving daughter, and was treated like yesterday's garbage. I'm angry that I struggled to survive while my brother was given private schooling, a new car, a second new car, down payment on a house . . . it's a long list. Ami is right though. Anger is a powerful emotion. Depression can affect our physical well being. I'm not a doctor, but I do think that venting anger is much healthier than internalizing the problem and ending up sick.

I feel like I'm now venting myself, and I'm sorry, but my gosh, I relate to your every word. Will we ever get past it? I don't know. My guess is that we probably won't. My N mother is terminally ill, but I know that I will have nightmares about her abuse years after she's gone. Speaking for myself, I don't think I'll ever get past it. The wounds are way too deep. But we can rise above it by learning to love ourselves and knowing that we're better than them. My brother, the GC, got everything handed to him on a silver platter. He grew up to be an N himself . . . selfish, hateful, won't have anything to do with anyone unless there's something in it for him (like money or gifts). I ran away from home in HS, but worked my way up from welfare to an MBA. Okay, B has more "stuff" than I do, but I'm a better human being. And I like that.

"and I am angry because no one cares."

I'm sure your father cares but is helpless to act on his feelings. Your friends probably care, but don't understand NPD and don't know what to tell you (I see this in my husband). HEY! I care. And I'll bet the others on this board care too.

Kathy

[JustKathy]

I've felt that kind of anger. It shook me out of my dependency. It helped release me from hoping my Nparent would become something different than she was.

Hops, I just read this sentence about 20 times. Yes! This is it. This was a turning point for me as well . . . the anger forced me to accept that my N parent would never change. Once you let go of that hope, you can start looking forward, and thinking of options . . . the things you can do to reclaim your life.

I think we all hold onto that dream, or fantasy, or whatever you want to call it for as long as we can, because we're human. We want our parents to love us. It took decades for me to accept that my N parent was sick, but once I did, it definitely helped me to change my life for the better.

I'm yammering again, but I thought your words were worth repeating.

[seasons]

Sunblue,

Hearing your voice, your anger is wonderful and so right. You have a right to be more than piss## off!!!
Let it out. Don't let them push you under, scream from the roof tops. The truths, the injustices you have/are experiencing.

I am angry because they will never acknowledge what they've done......

I'm sorry ((Sunblue)) that the narcissists will never be able to give you that, acknowledgement, empathy and love.
This disease/illness is such a trainwreck taking anyone in it's way.
I do hear your pain. I believe how badly they have treated you. I am frustrated with you. I wish we could all be protected from them/it Narcissism.

and I am angry because no one cares.

WE care (((Sunblue)))

I'm sorry they have brought you deep sadness and great anger. Yet I am extremely proud of you for letting yourself feel your anger and expressing it. It is very brave of you, as it is not something you let yourself feel (if i understood correctly).

love seasons