N's adult sister's behavior??

[janisty07]

I wish someone could make me understand why it is ok for my adult N sister to say the most disrespectful and hateful things to "our" mother, every time that "our" mother even attempts to talk to her??  Is it normal for a N to be accepting and "act" as if she at least loves one of their parents, and act so totally hateful of the other one??
I can't make sense out of my N sister's actions!
Please help?!((&))))**

thanks so much for any input on this one!
Jan

[Ami]

Dear Jan
 Understanding N's is an evolving process, in my experience. As I grow, I can handle the truth of N's better. Vaknin's book Malignant Self Love explains N's better than anything I have ever read. It is an expensive book(45 dollars)but worth every penny of it. For me, all the other N books were baby food. Vaknin told it as it is--ugly, cold and hard. That is how N's are so why pussyfoot around with euphemisms as the other books did.
 N's do not feel empathy so they can do what they please  never realizing that they are hurting a flesh and blood person---you.
 Empathy changes how we react to people. We  can understand how our actions wound others. They do not see this.
 It is a dead spot.
 I asked "Why" so many times with my M.
 Vaknin helped me the most.
 It is awful, (((Jan)))). There is no way around that.    Love to you,  Ami

[janisty07]

I have read tidbits from this book.  I guess it would be very beneficial for me to read the whole thing. 
Thanks again for your advice and your WORDS OF WISDOM!

love,
Jan

[rosencrantz]

Does it matter?

Why does it matter?

Does it need to matter?

I'm sure there's a load of stuff I don't know about the background to your question, but one of the things I've learnt in life is about allowing relationships between other people to be 'as they are' - because we cannot know the past history.

Every sibling in a family will have a different relationship with their parent - and a completely different story of what those relationships are about - because they were born at different times and consequently took a different place/role in the family.  It might even be a deepyly subconscious event relating to the time of birth!!!

And sometimes it's the family dynamic which creates/produces/requires those relationships to be as they are.

I know I'd be tempted to ask the mother why she allows her child to speak to her in this way.  She may or may not be prepared to tell you - even if she understands the dynamic which allowed it in the first place (lack of self-esteem, guilt?). 

It seems to me - as a mother - that we allow our children to treat us in the way we think we deserve.  I know one mother who allowed her child to hit her repeatedly because that's how her father treated her.  Her son begged her to help him to stop and she couldn't.  Eeek!  Now...who gets the blame for that : the child for its misbehaviour - because most people don't see the dynamic or ask the questions which opens up the ancient wound which holds the truth.

So I suggest that it's your mother who is the source of the conundrum.  It doesn't sound as tho she 'calls' her child on her behaviour?  Or perhaps she's hoping love and tolerance will overcome your N sister's bad behaviour.  Perhaps she understands the reason for the bad behaviour. 

Meanwhile, I'm guessing you're being the good child and not being appreciated for it.  (Those who are quiet and no trouble tend to get left at the bottom of the heap where love and attention is concerned)

I don't know what your situation is - but it's not 'N' to hate a parent or not to respect them.  Why shouldn't a child hate one parent and love another? Isn't it normal to hate some people and love others?  For whatever reason???  Parents have to earn love and respect just as much as everyone else.  Alice Miller is an interesting author.

On the other hand - love and hate are not so far from each other; the other parent is perhaps being 'tolerated' or treated with indifference.  Your mother is at least being treated with passion and enthusiasm!

Fools rush in and all that...but there may be something here which proves helpful.

((Janisty07))
R

[JustKathy]

Ami, don't want to interrupt Jan's thread . . . just a quick thank you for the recommendation of the Vaknin book. I though I had every book on NPD, but not this one. I'm going to order a copy right away.

Kathy