update

[axa]

Hi Guys,

It's been a while. I have been thinking about the support I received here in the past and wanted to check and see how you were doing.  Life has been good over the past six months, nothing too exciting but I am engaged with the world in a positive way.  I have been accepted for a place on a PhD programme which I hope to take up in October.  I am doing some part-time work, some art, involved in a community garden, exercise fairly regularily and go and see lots of movies.  There is NO drama in my life and I meet most days with excitement.  I have decided to not get involved in a relationship and this has shown me how much energy I have expended in relationships at the expense of living my own life.  I am rarely lonely and this, I believe, is because I have invested in making my life interesting and challenging.  The key for me is discipline which I struggle with all the time. 

Since I have taken myself seriously and committed to living each day in the best way possible so many good things have come my way.  Without sounding too hippish, I hope, I feel like I have opened up to the universe and what I want seems to be getting through.  I do have my down times, well I think sad times maybe is more accurate.  I deeply regret the time I wasted looking outside myself, to Ns, fill the emptiness inside of me.  It has taken me so long to learn that only I can fill that hole.  I try and live my life with compassion for myself and others and this has been much more helpful than beating myself up and being angry.  I see my anger now as a flag to move into compassion mode.  Recently someone asked me if I could have the power to hurt someone without they knowing the source would I do it and the answer was No.  This was a huge surprise to me as I thought I would always want to see XN suffer, now I just  don't care - just never want to see him again.  So, I guess that means that I have moved into a different phase of recovery.  Can't say I wish him any good, not that cured!!

I just wanted to touch base and wish you all the strength you need to deal with today's difficulties.

Much love,

Axa

[lighter]

So nice to hear from you....

and such a nice report (((Axa)))

[teartracks]

axa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))

tt

[debkor]

Hey Axa,

Great to hear from you.  You sound so good.  I think of you and you are missed. 

Love
Deb

[sKePTiKal]

WOW Axa! That's LOTS of progress!

It's good to hear from you. Don't worry about the self-discipline... that just takes practice. I'm still working through that one, myself.

[seasons]

Axa,

Such a healthy uplifting post. Thanks for sharing from the other side. No N's and a happier life. Who would of thought? LoL

Way to go! seasons ox

[Hopalong]

PhD in what, Miz Axa?

So very excited for you...and just flat-out awed to hear about your calm, centered, sane, stable new life.

Thank you for checking in and reminding me what's possible...

love,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Axa,
We are at the same spot in life! I am so thrilled to hear where you are... I am feeling much the same way. I still struggle with discipline, too, but I think that's something everyone goes through. You sound so wonderful and so peaceful!!! You really are an inspiration to others here. Please don't fret over the past - it took that to get you where you are now. You would not be you without that, unfortunately.
xxxooo
Beth

[axa]

Hi Guys,

I just wanted to share my good news with you.  I have been offered a full scholarship for three years.  This is wonderful as it means that I will not have to work part-time and can focus completely on my PhD.  I guess I want to acknowledge there is life after Ns.

I will be starting at the University in September and between now and then I have rented a cheap studio and am going to spend the next few months making art.  People ask me what kind of art and I tell them I don't know, because I don't.  There is just going to be me and my creativity in that studio and I trust that what will need to happen will happen. 

I struggled recently with sadness but realised that I had let many of my supports slip, self-abandonment, and thankfully I am now in a place where I can recognise the signals and kick the systems back in place so that I re-engage with life.  I was thinking recently how difficult it is always having to motivate myself and how much energy that takes, then I remembered all the energy I had put into XN to support him, nearly turned myself inside out for him so I needed to get real and use that energy for myself.  Like the first class co-dependant that I am it was easier to give it to someone else.  I feel like I am making progress in this area and all the time it goes back to me taking responsibility for MY emotional well being.  I find exercise really helps and while I am not a great fan I appreciate the wonderful after feeling.

Within the last six months I have taken a trip to Belgium, WW1 graves and that was extremely moving.  I also went to Rome and saw some amazing Art, Architecture - one of my favourite cities and even enjoyed the flirting of the beautiful Italian waiters.........just flirting, that's allowed!  Overall life is good and I am grateful for all who supported me through one of the roughest times in my life.  Just wanted to touch base and say I think of you guys often.  Does anyone hear from CB any more, if so please pass on my warmest wishes to her...see some of the oldtimers are still here.  Hops, how are you doing?  Are you still involved legally with your brother?  How does it feel not to have the responsibility of your Mom any more.  Would love to hear from all...........

I will check in over the next few days and other than that a thousand thanks to all who were gentle, firm, compassionate, loving and respectful on this site.  You made a significant different to my life and healing.

With fondest love,

Axa

[sKePTiKal]

LOL!! I know just what you mean about art, Axa...

Hope the muse comes to stay until classes start. You sound very happy and content.

[seasons]

Congratulations axa!

I agree you sound very happy. Good for you.

[lighter]

You're amazing Axa: )

I can't wait to hear that you've received your Phd and......

just every detail about the art you create. 

Let us know, won't you?

Thanks for that insightful uplifting update.

Keep those supports in place.

You've been missed.

Mo2

[Hopalong]

Axa, your life just thrills me.

I am so excited to read of your accomplishments, your confidence, and especially how you seize the day and never seem to lose your curiosity.

One of the worst things about depression or pain (emotional or physical) is that so often it squashes our deep natural curiosity.

Even if my own is flagging, when I read your updates I'm inspired to remember it...and trust it will come around again.

thanks for being in touch!

love to you,
Hops
PS--more on my situation on another thread, this one's for celebrating YOU