Attachment Theory - again - observations

[sKePTiKal]

OK, Carolyn, I hope you're still around and did keep pushing through on this topic from last year! I could use some feedback from anyone about now... to help me see what I am missing; something's not adding up quite right. Maybe it's just the fog before the sun warms it away. All thoughts welcome.

Carolyn's original topic is Neglectful Silence, at:  http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=6585.0

I rather regret deleting my own posts from this thread; my thoughts on the topic from then might have some clues. There are some quotes, though. A year later, this thread became so important I bumped it up. I wanted to digress into my own thread and 6 months later, here I am. Time, I suppose, is actually a factor in this kind of work. I've been "retired" now, about 2 1/2 months and just absolutely loving the "unstructured" time, even though that's part of the reason behind my posting on the topic of attachments, again. Unstructured time leaves open many doors that we don't have time to enter, with a normal schedule of activity.

I had such hopes that this would be easy to deal with; to move beyond emotional convalescence - the mourning losses, clinging to the pain because it was such a cry of "I AM!!!" and "I AM IMPORTANT - to ME". And to begin the process of "rehab"... a rebuilding or repair of my "SELF" as a whole person. And I do sense a lot of emotional activity... a stretching of the emotional self, trying out range of movement, experiments with effectiveness and expression... trying out the emotions that were so "off limits" for so long. The "step to the right" of Dr. Bolte's experience is easy and helpful... but it's not enough, yet. And it's not easy to rehab/rebuild my self... Lots of stumbling around and trying again right now.

One of the things that came up, that relates to Attachment is how I sense my "self" in certain situations. And how I cope with that.

My daughters were here with grandkids and SOs Sunday. I so wanted everyone, including me, to have a really good time... fun... to just enjoy being together. Other than that, I didn't have any predetermined expectations - I thought. But, the old anxiety about making things "perfect" came back up... adjusting furniture mere inches, even. Something was "itching" at me.

I'm still trying to find my way to having a relationship with both D's - though they're adults and separated from me - that "feels" right. I wanted some kind of significant connection with them. And that's when I sensed that I was completely and totally uncomfortable - in my own skin. Scared even, of my own reaction to the situation. And then "coping" (really, just the opposite) with overindulging in beer and cigarettes. As if, that feeling of discomfort was actually physical (it wasn't) and the only way to cope with it was by changing my physical state. As if my desire to love them and accept them, just the way they are - was threatening to my sense of coherence of my SELF. It was as if I was seeking to bend boundaries enough to establish "connection" with them in a real, emotional sense - for the "connection" I wanted - but I didn't really know how to do that anymore. And it was awkward with the "men" around... two of which I only just met.

I dropped back & punted; with old behaviors and old "roles".... and that increased the discomfort, because that wasn't what I wanted at all.

This is my attachment issue, for sure. Fearing total dissolution of my self boundaries as a direct result of the desire to connect. It seems that I am now face to face with this; I've squared up on this aspect of myself but I don't know what my first move will be to begin to dismantle this old way of being "me" and I don't know what to be or do instead. I sense that all my relationships are like this... on a continuum. That I back off, shutdown, disintegrate in the face of my own need/want/desire to connect with those I care about a great deal... and only have dysfunctional coping methods that are guaranteed to fail in achieving that connection. It's not such a problem when there's not so much at stake.

Intellectually, I know it's possible to maintain my sense of self and connect with others simultaneously. I've even done this. But when the stakes are high - with those I'm closest to - I revert to this primeval neuro-emotional pattern. I'm really, really tired of this. I suspect that the "work" I need to do will happen in my emotional self... I can't "think" my way through this one. But now, that's new territory. How do I work with emotions to build new patterns of being me??? and being part of a relationship??? How do I make it "safe" enough to be me and whole and still connect emotionally with another? How do I know when it's appropriate? Allowed? Desired? and when to keep my distance?

I guess I'm going to go back and review boundaries. I think I originally understood boundaries (emotionally) as the containment of me; I didn't "get" that it's also the means of connection... not understood in my feelings, anyway. And this, from Carolyn's thread is helpful too:

About Changing Course -


To change course, be it a minor shift or a major turn in your life,
does not mean giving up who you are -
it means letting go of who you are not.
It means letting go of your pain.
You are not your pain.


Changing Course - Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear
by Claudia Black, Ph.D.

http://books.google.com/books?id=zDZolMbID7AC&pg=PA18&lpg=PA18&dq=emotional+abandonment&sour


I am hell-bent on "repairing my self" right now. I just have to figure out what that entails; what to find or create and what to let go. I think, maybe it's not something I can control... maybe it's just something to be aware of about myself.

THOUGHTS?

[Gaining Strength]

Oh my gosh - the Black book - I am in stunned silence - she is writing about me.  I have not read a "self-help" book in 20 years that describes my experiences and she does on every page I read in the link you provide PR.

Here are a few choice points that lept out at me:

Still, the wounds were struck deep in our young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today.  The causes of our emotional injury need to be understood and accepted to we can heal.  Until we do, the pain will stay with us. Becoming a driving force in our adult lives.

Procrastination is often an attempt to defend against further shame. The procrastinator will not see the possibility for some sense of accomplishment.

Our own response is something we can affect, something we can make a choice about.  As Steven Covey writes, “Responsibility is response-ability.”


I'm going to work on developing the ability to respond. {overwhelmed by this experience - of reading someone who really gets it.  THAT is healing.}

[Certain Hope]

Hi Amber,

Neglectful Silence was the story of my own life
until I determined to make a conscious effort to put that in the past.
Analyzing it all just was not gettin it for me.
In between that commitment to let it rest
and my own realization of the depths of that all encompassing silence
I spewed myself silly right here on this board : )
Maybe I just ran out of things to say?
But the end result is -
Now I can speak... or not.... to anyone, about anything...
while still fine-tuning an awareness of the wisdom (or lack thereof) of using my voice,
although that's coming along with practice.
At first, it felt like: "if in doubt, react/speak".
Now it's more like: "when in doubt- breathe deeply, consider options, ponder possibilities and take plenty of time doing that, because what's the rush, anyhow?"   : )

I hear your heart and I know there's no easy solution, but just maybe it's not all so complex as it seems right now?

Genuine emotional connection means different things to various folks, right?
I mean, between my husband and me, one of the most meaningful emotional connects we make is in honestly admitting to each other our frailties and weaknesses. That's not possible with some people, is it? At least, not unless it's a mutual give and take, and... just maybe... the hardest habit to break is the old one of trying to carry what belongs firmly balanced between 4 shoulders on just 2?

All I know to do is practice. Practice being you, regardless...
regardless of how anyone else on the planet responds or doesn't...
regardless of the outcome. Often that feels alot like I imagine it would to stand naked on a busy streetcorner... but that's only an illusion. Truth is, I think, that most folks are so consumed by their own roles and masks, that they're barely aware of you.

In my own practicing of being myself, I've encountered many qualities for which I didn't care.
Often, that'd happen simply because I'd be quiet enough to hear myself.
Other times, that dissatisfaction did become obvious through the reactions of others to my behavior, but still I had to ensure that others' responses were not my primary concern.
There has to be a bigger, more important, more constant,stable and secure reason/driving force/empowerment for all this change I saw was needed.
What it kinda boiled down to for me was that Security is my own personal #1, as I've discovered,
but I hated that about myself.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but the bottom line is:
I found it impossible to repair myself, Amber.
All the willpower and motivation and determination in the world weren't cutting through the muck and shadows over the long haul.
Neither did expressing myself till I was blue in the voice.
Only committing my own will to God in Jesus Christ has opened the door to true healing.

My truth is - I found myself... just in time to willingly lose myself, in Him.

Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Hey PR hon,
Just popping in on a lunchbreak, haven't even read the rest (except to say HIIIII CAROLYN!!! XXOOXXOO!!)

Quick response to something that just popped into my head:

Fearing total dissolution of my self boundaries as a direct result of the desire to connect.

I think the answer lies in the last word.

Connect = fuse.

Connect = merge.

So maybe it could be helpful to ask yourself other questions about "connect"? As in, do I seek to:

gently engage
share a moment of warmth
see the human in the other
see my humanity reflected kindly back
simply enjoy what is present
be curious in the present -- open to delight
who is this person? (even though I think I know)
hmmm!
I am interested.

I am interested = connection

It's one-way. It's present.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thank YOU, Carolyn! Bless you. You heard me. Thanks for your wisdom and sharing your experience. I need to ponder a bit.
I do hear you about being too impatient/demanding of myself... making it all harder than it has to be. This particular thing, isn't about voice... I don't think. I could be wrong.

GS - I'm going to buy Dr. Black's book. It may not have a "magic pill" cure-all, but I feel as though I'm lacking in information/understanding again. I also bought "Emotional Intelligence"; just because that seems to be where I'm going to sort all this out... by "thinking" with my emotions instead of my brain. And no, I don't know what I'm trying say with that.

Hops - OK... I think I see what you're getting at. But the experience for me, in that present moment, is so scary because of that almost physical sense of disintegration - that I'm only able to work the defenses... breathe, yes. That would help, if all this didn't happen in an instant. No thinking possible in that moment... only fleeing into protection and distance... and reacting with the failed strategies of the past. There is something different going on, than where I've worked in the past...

I'll ponder on this too. Because I think I don't trust my reaction to resist suggestions, right now. I'm reacting by insisting on my own definitions... and not letting these suggestions sink in... and my definitions - well, they aren't cutting it.

Y'all are wise and I need to look at myself through your lenses, a bit.

[Certain Hope]

You are so welcome, dear Amber.
I've always appreciated the thoughts and feelings you've expressed here and, invariably, I've learned something from reading you.

I was just thinking.... as you clarify for yourself, within your own mind and heart, what is your own individual "love language" (remember Dr. Gary Chapman's book?)
then the whole business of emotional connection and intimacy will be less of a threatening mystery.
For me, anyway, it's often been a matter of people not being able to give me what I was not truly open to receiving, you know? That has held true within my marriage and other close relationships.

Also, I'm thinking that, especially with our children (grown or otherwise), it's perfectly okay to start over!
Do they really even know us?
 If we didn't ever really know ourselves, how could they?
And if we really are strangers to each other, how will they if we don't take the time to reveal our true selves to them, gradually and gracefully, as we discover those parts of our selves that were buried beneath so much rubble?
Anyhow, I've pretty much begun again, from square one, with my own kids and with other significants... to varying degrees of success.
Same with my parents, who were here recently, with little to nil success.
(Of course, we can't fill a pot that's already overflowing (as bitterness and self-absorbtion tend to do) and so that was no big surprise.)

On the brighter side... my shy and rather emotionally cool-temperatured girl graduated high school last month and at her turn at the microphone with the other top students, said, with a broad smile, "I didn't write a speech, but I love my Mom..."
which definitely eases the disappointment of any other strike-outs!

You have always been a radiant beam of light and honesty, Amber...  just let that shine!

Carolyn

[sKePTiKal]

Ah, Carolyn:

I think you hit the nail on the head: what I was feeling - that "disintegration" - was that dissonance between me/Mom, as I was when they were growing up... and Mom now. At least, that's part of it. And even within myself, I observed the "old roles" and behaviors popping up... and conflicting with "me", now, and what I want.

Yes, starting over! We get a chance to do that every day. Excellent idea for me to focus on, instead of the old looking for "what's wrong" with me again. Hops was right too - that what I was experiencing was all internal; it was intense and surprising to me... but no one else noticed. I'm making too big a deal out of this... creating a "problem", where opportunity exists... and only seeing the negative bit.

GS mentioned something in her thread, and that shoe fits me in this situation: this healing phase I'm in is gonna be "messy"... just like the phase of "discovery" of the real issues... putting myself back together again involves white paste, straw, clay, paint, fuzzy brushes, and I don't have a "pattern". But I know how to do this. I used to paint pottery and the potter would hand me a piece, and without any patterns, only a bit of holding the piece, looking at it, feeling it in my hands... I would paint. Many of the pieces were quite nice and sold well; and yes - there were "duds". Some of his pottery pieces came out of the kiln as duds, too.

The duds were just as "important" in the process as the nice pieces. All the old stuff IS gonna come back up, as I release it... let it go... make peace... and move on. Some of the duds sold, anyway and those that didn't were smashed up and used in the kiln to support new pots.

I have to agree with you that the experiences I've lived will be part of that new "creation". It is part of me. There is no "undo" key for that. But I can change the arrangement, the construction, the colors and patterns... into a more consciously (and self-compassionate, etc) designed, balanced, and pleasing whole. And I think I need to remember that this whole, is fluid, flexible, it will change over time under new circumstances and conditions. And that too, will be "me"... because there isn't a patterm that I have to match.

THANK YOU.

--------------------------------------------

I've run across something interesting, while pursuing "more information" about attachment and healing. It's the idea of creating a new image of a "good mother" and "good father", while reparenting our inner children. I guess the idea includes using these images sort of like Indian "Spirit Guides"... to provide that which we did not/do not have from our actual parents. Someone we can consult, seek comfort and guidance from... within ourselves. It sounds like a good idea to me.

The striking thing that hit me, though... is that in all my work on Mother-issues... I haven't even begun to address how my Dad's absence - literal and emotional - in our FOO, affected me. That was a loss that I suffered more than once... and I do believe that Twiggy blamed herself - felt that she wasn't "good enough" or "mattered enough" to him to overcome my mom's nagging and belittling of him... to take control in the situation... and keep us safe from her. I hero-worshipped him - he was my Clint Eastwood, John Wayne - and his "running away" was a huge disillusionment, abandonment, loss. For me, loss of personal security from my mom and her weirdness.

And that will bear more looking into... and listening.

[sKePTiKal]

From a reply to GS, on her Journey Out thread:

Steven Farmer talks about what "good fathers" provide for their children:
   steadiness (consistency?), protectivenss, caring and encouragement
   guides, directs, sets limits, encourages and sometimes offers tough, nonabusive love

And through my attachment thread... I discovered a fact that I'd overlooked in all this work, on my relationship with my mom... all told, I have about 20 distinct memories of interacting with my dad before the divorce; THAT'S ALL. The rest of the time, he simply wasn't there in my life. And my T said it - but I misinterpreted her meaning - "you're not scared of him". Well, DUH, Amber! Of course not - he wasn't involved in PARENTING and wasn't setting "limits". My mother simply wouldn't let him; she did everything possible to keep him away from my brother and me. Even as adults, we had to sneak around to go visit my dad - so Mom didn't get mad. JEEEEEZZZ!!!!!

It was always my mom - creating limits and blaming the restriction on my dad - then turning around giving me permission to do "what Daddy would never let you do" - which activity, of course, was completely inappropriate for my age. Not only was that confusing (part of the gaslighting campaign). But I now see that it was all because she was JEALOUS - and not of my dad; she was jealous of ME. Because even as dysfunctional as my dad was, he let me be me - stood up for me to my mother - and I worshipped him. In my eyes, he could do no wrong... and so I accepted the day-to-day and eventually permanent, abandonment by him... and helplessness, worthlessness that went along with abandonment.

So, I've been working through this for a few days. And I think that LIMITS are at the very center of what I've been trying to - and not been able to - work on, for some time. There is wealth of material to work on in the last paragraph that I wrote - spontaneously - above, isn't there? 

My Dad doesn't exactly come up smelling like a rose - or acting like a hero. My mom, for all she's egocentric, was undeniably jealous of my hero-worship of my Dad. That can be understood as: she cared about me... or feared my abandonment of her. I'm not sure which; and at this late date, knowing the answer to that isn't overly important to me.

Complicating the whole scenario with my Dad, is the "collateral damage" aspect of what I experienced as Twiggy (age 12-13) as a direct result of my Dad's bad behavior and that whole complicated mess. My mom did leave us alone in that situation to get emergency care for my Dad - and was gone for hours till after dark - without checking to see if we were OK. I did pay the price in rape and physical injury for my Dad's relationship with the rapist's wife. I did verbally reject my Dad - the gaslighting at work already.

And of course, he ran away, after that. I didn't see him again for several years. Some hero, huh?

But there was no denying the attachment I had to him, and I so feared the negative attachment with my mom... that I think I bounced between two opposite poles for a long, long time. Not able to reconcile the extremes... of wanting the comfort that this "bad parent" offered - of acknowledging me as a person in my own right. Not able to accept or understand the demands and intrusions and projections that my mother insisted on and that scared the living hell out of me.

Parentification and forced adulthood seemed almost a refuge to me at that age, I guess. At least it was rational and didn't throw me into emotional paradoxes that were impossible to make sense of... and only made me feel like I was going totally insane. It was EASIER than the alternative, when faced with my mom's nutsy parenting style: your dad wouldn't let you do this (and that was probably a tad a strict & overprotective, but appropriate) but I will, because "I'm the good parent and I want you to love me". Sort of the "Daddy Disney" syndrome in reverse, ya know?

But I digress. The solution for me... the way out of not being to "get started" on my list of things I want to do for myself... is contained in that nugget of insight about being abandoned by my Dad - in spite of the price I paid for HIS WRONGS - and those old, old feelings of hero-worship and not mattering enough to avoid abandonment. That attachment... of receiving comfort, of being emotionally regulated through gaining attention, of feeling important to someone... and all the desperate, self-defeating, self-sabotaging ways I attempted to reconnect with that.

As an adult, I did try to reconnect with my Dad. It was a relationship with a lot of space in it. We weren't what you'd call close. And there wasn't a lot of daughter-Daddy interactions; it was more adult to adult. There are 2 things that stand out that completely contradict everything my Mom attributes to my Dad. He asked me to quit smoking - once - and it wasn't conditioned on anything. Just, a "I really wish you'd quit smoking; it's not good for you." Another time, he made the observation that he thought I drank too much - a coping strategy I resorted to around him, because of feeling extremely emotionally uncomfortable. As though there was an indigestable, unspeakable, untouchable "something" between us - where I could not; would not go. (And now, I know what that was... but we never addressed it). He knew I was in therapy and thought that was a good thing; he knew I was remembering - but we never talked about it. His ability to communicate had already deteriorated so much from aphasia, that I kept my conversations with him simple. He had a very hard time finding words, when he was emotional.

My mom always said that there were strings attached to anything my Dad gave. I think that's the pot calling the kettle black, again. I simply can't recall any incidents or examples of this. I guess he felt like he really couldn't say too much - couldn't really fill that Dad role with me - given the situation. There would've had to be a lot of explanations about why... it would've been emotionally challenging for both of us. And it might not have resolved anything for either one of us. I did tell him several times, that it wasn't his fault. That was the easiest way for me to relay that I'd forgiven him and didn't expect him to "fix" me by opening up that old can of worms now... that is, after all, my job.

And as for gaining his respect for my abilities and skills in a "man's world"... well, he left my brother and I with equal shares of his business. My brother doesn't have an advantage or majority shares. A couple years ago, my Dad put the business up for sale. His intention was to sell it to his right-hand man, who was running the whole show, more or less. Then, he changed his mind. Raised the price so that this guy wouldn't be able to raise the capital. Had 3 solid offers on the open market. Then decided not to sell. About that time, he also wrote his step-children out of the will.

I can almost hear him saying: show me what ya got. Go for it. You can do it. Finish getting yourself together.

That matters a hell of a lot more than the estate, to me. And it brings me square up in front of the loss again. I've lost my Dad multiple times - first the disappearances leading up to the divorce; the abandonment at the time of divorce (some of that was my mom's doing; she wouldn't let us talk to him when he called); his stroke, when he lost the ability to talk; and then his death last fall. It's been like practice... re-experiencing this over & over again... for figuring out how to let things go. At least, I think it is... I could be rationalizing again; deceiving myself.

Ya know what my mom said about my dad dying?

"I know how you feel" - and she was going to go on, but I cut her off and yelled "NO YOU DON'T and I don't need anyone to TELL me what to feel, either".  LOL!!!

After all - it's my life story and I can feel what I feel and see it any way I want, right? And even though there were dark, scary parts of it... and I still have plenty of "work" to do on myself and my relationships... it IS my story; my life. And I'm near to starting a whole new chapter. Estate taxes get filed today; the essential tasks for transferring ownership of the business are near completion. I've been doing my "homework" and self-teaching myself MBA type information and trying to find a good "resting" place for the work I've done on that sad chapter of Twiggy. Twiggy's grown up; changing her mind about things... seeing them differently. And I think she's ready to let some things go now. She finally understands.

[ann3]

Amber,

You are such an inspiration:  you have worked hard, grown, evolved & transformed & I think you will always continue to do so.

I look forward to reading the Black book.  I've read other books of hers.

By the way, Claudia Black is speaking with John Bradshaw at the Meadows in Sedona, Arizona in November & am thinking of going.  Is this a great topic, or what?  "Putting the Past Behind: Family Of Origin Work".  Isn't this what we are trying to do?

http://www.themeadows.org/events/index.php?rm=event_details&param1=show&param2=64&

Putting the Past Behind: Family Of Origin Work

November 13-15, 2009

Our relationships within our family of origin are the most powerful ones in our lives. Yet for many of us, they became contaminated and filled with tensions. We have often been shaped and influenced by critical, shaming, abandoning, neglecting and possibly blatantly abusive parenting. This workshop, dually led by Claudia and John, will give you the opportunity to address your unmet developmental dependency needs. You will have the choice to participate in various skill-building exercises. The goal of the workshop is to help you learn certain life skills that you should have learned at each developmental stage of a normal childhood. These skills will enhance your personal freedom. It is another step in putting the past behind and creating greater choices in your life today.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Ann, glad to see you back! How're you doing?

Boy that workshop sounds like the frosting on the cake in this process, doesn't it? That really is the whole point of this work - undoing the things that hurt and don't work for us in our lives and recreating ourselves.

I haven't yet read any of Dr. Black's work - and I'm still waiting on the book. I'm not looking anymore for a magic pill cure in someone's self-help books, but I do take away something useful or inspirational from each one. This one just connected with me and I'm curious and hopeful that there will be more explanation, information, and directional ideas for me.

[ann3]

Hey Amber,

I'm doing OK.  Love reading about your journey.

You peaked my interest when you mentioned Attachment Theory (Bowlby & the 2 Marys), which many point to as a root of nism, is that what you've found?

Trolling the Meadows web site, I found this re: feelings & attachment:

https://www.themeadows.org/resources/cuttingedge.html
see January 2008 pdf

"Schore, in his three poignant books Affect Regulation and the Organization of the Self, Affect Dysregulation and the Disorders of the Self, and Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self, stresses the importance of affect regulation, especially the relationship between infant attachment, affect regulation, and the organization of a healthy functional self. Following the pioneering work of John Bowlby and his student Mary Ainsworth, Schore uses the growing body of evidence showing that the neural circuitry of the stress system is locked in the early development of the right brain. The right brain is dominant in the control of vital functions that manage stress, regulate emotion, and preserve a consistent sense of self.

Schore quotes copious studies that cite trauma as having significant negative impact on early bonding and maturation of the right brain during its most crucial period of growth. The most serious damage of early relational trauma is a lack of the capacity for emotional regulation. This adverse experience results in an increased sensitivity to later stresses. "

I found another article written by Black, which I think is spot on:
http://www.themeadows.org/Articles/CE/2009_SpringSummer/deceived_article.htm

"Kate didn't get to this place overnight. Her childhood history was her training ground long before she entered her three addictive relationships. As with most partners of addicts, dysfunction ruled her original family. As a child, she learned to:

    * Overlook (deny, rationalize, minimize) behavior that hurt her deeply
    * Appear cheerful when she was hurting
    * Make excuses for the hurtful behavior
    * Avoid conflict to minimize further anger
    * Tolerate inappropriate and hurtful behavior
    * Prioritize the needs of others over her own
    * Caretake others
    * Fault herself for her family's problems
    * Discount her own perceptions and give others the benefit of the doubt
    * Believe she had no options
    * Believe she is at fault and it is her job to find the answers
    * Not ask for help
    * Accommodate

She was reared to be the perfect candidate for partnering with an addict. This is a natural consequence of being raised in a shame-based family, which is very often an abusive or addictive family. The child grows up to be an ideal partner for the addict, one whose codependent traits enable him to act out his addiction with little disruption. "


Until I became aware of my NFOO & my co-dependcy, I lived & had all the qualities listed above.  Gulp! Gasp!  That was me, but, no more!!

[sKePTiKal]

Ann,

No, I didn't find anything about attachment & NPD. But I wouldn't be surprised if there was a connection. What did you find? People can react very differently to the same type of experience. It was dissociation that helped me trip over Allan Schore. (I'd confirmed with my T that while I'd dissociated big time, during the rape - that was normal. It was the occurrences before - and long after - that continued to nag at me.)

I pulled up Certain Hope's Neglectful Silence thread where we'd talked about attachment a while before... I googled something like attachment and dissociation. I've only found 2 papers online... and the books are hard to find. I got really interested in L-R brain awareness at one point last year (though I think I didn't quite have my insight "verbal" enough to be coherent at the time). At the time, my focus was on possible brain injuries I might've suffered in my trauma episode. Schore put me onto the idea, that I might've been susceptible to dissociation because of an attachment disturbance earlier than "Twiggy" in my relationship with my mom.

My intuition wouldn't stop wondering just where that inquiry would lead. There was something there - but what?? So 18 months after "graduating" therapy, I paid a visit to my T again. She was surprised to see me and let me babble all the news about where I was - then told me to go read: Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor. She said she was interested in discussing it with me. Dr. G had recommended this book on the board, some months before and I'd read the description of Dr. Taylor's experience of having a stroke. I was interested at the time, because my MIL had had a stroke and hubby & I were actively trying to help her regain skills and recover.  But I didn't read the book then.

It's not a long book; it was highlighted, sticky notes marking passages, notes in the margins when I went back the next week. 
And we went overtime in the session... because Schore's research, Dr. Taylor's book, and my own experience started going off like connected fireworks of understanding in my head. A whole bunch of things made sense... quickly... and then it's taken me months of writing to completely digest & process it all. And to learn what it feels like to let something go.

I've come to learn a different meaning for the term "dissociation", as a separation of R & L brain awareness or experience, where they simply aren't working together, integratively... rather than a loss of self or unreality of self/experience around one.

I guess I'm gonna break down & order Schore's "Repair of the Self" book eventually. But, not so much as a how-to manual... because I am figuring that out as I go along... more for "scientific" validation and things I'll inevitably miss - details - along the way.

I guess you never really know what you don't know - or what you need to know... until you find it or forget it.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I think I've finally found the "resting" plateau I've been trying to reach for 4 years of this kind of work. The space where I have almost all the info I need and now, just need to let it settle in... sort of like letting bread rise. Each batch of bread usually turns out different because of different environmental conditions and slight unavoidable differences in the exact amount of ingredients.... oven temperature... humidity... atmospheric pressure. Now versus Then.

I'm sure that certain bits of information or personal "truths" will rise to the top of the batter from time to time like a yeast bubble. Things that I'll need to address again, in a slightly different situation or in a slightly different way. I am still the same "me" as when I started... but like bread dough, I've been "worked" into a slightly altered state.

EXHAUSTION is where I'm at now. Mentally, physically - emotionally. Trying to find the way through the old prison bars of only feeling "good" when I'm ill... or working myself like a field hand. Maybe it's a little depression - all this waiting on the estate/business process to finally finish and most of the process being outside of my control or choice. But it seems more like I am experimenting... trying to find "what feels good" for me... and being able to allow myself to actually do so. Eating differently... sometimes. Expressing myself emotionally without caring how I appear to others... sometimes. Letting the old routines, "have tos", and ways of coping exist... but not be the ONLY way I function.

It's like baking bread without a recipe; making something without a pattern. Just being, I guess. Without some "rules" about "how to be". It feels unnatural and surreal sometimes and then I retreat back toward the old coping "rules" - but this time with actual limits... and the sky hasn't fallen because of it. No catastrophes. No horrible condemnation or ridicule or abuse. No huge resistance or struggle from Twiggy. It must be OK to do this now. It's gentle and measured and beyond definition - at least right now.

As if the real "control" of me depends totally on "letting go" and permitting the experimentation. No "routine"... no pattern... no left-brain imposed "right way" of doing/being... or process. Just what feels good - or at least BETTER... for now.

[Hopalong]

you've earned that rest, dear PR...

hypervigilance can take a hike.

ask the ocean.

love,
Hops