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I am so fortunate

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cindy:
I've been reading about the pain you all go through, and realizing how lucky I am.  I was married to my N for 18 years, but he only had me partially programmed, and he is my first one.  So I'm bouncing back quickly.

You are very brave to explore these feelings and support each other.  I am so much happier since I got away.  Yes, he stalks me, yes, I'm financially and emotionally needy from all the havoc he created, but I decide when I sleep and what I eat and I pay bills first - what a relief.

Life is good when you start to get yourself back.  Or when you get a self apart from them.  Life would be great if I could get my doorknobs back!

clara:
Wow, OK, I am listening carefully because I am so conflicted about my lousy marriage with N, yet I can't see leaving because we have three kids, yadda, yadda.  Your new-found happiness and freedon are so reassuring.

Could I ask: Do you have kids? How bad was your husband?  When was your final point of decision about leaving (or did he leave you?)  How did you tell the kids? How did you tell the people at work? (I guess I am still narcissisitic, worried if my dear colleagues at work would still like me!)

Sorry to be so prying, and if the questions cause you pain, just ignore them. I am just caught in such a torment. I seem to have my situation figured out with N-husband, but still can't decide about leaving. I am so worried that maybe somehow he doesn't really deserve being left. Or maybe it's just my fears that I can't face? Or maybe there is something wrong with me and I am distorting his problems? Ugh, I just don't know....

cindy:
Not prying at all, and in fact it's comfortable for me, because I worked as an advocate with a displaced homemaker-type population, and because to be open, for me, is part of my healing.

I was trapped by all that you say, but after I got out it seems others had a better read on it than I did, and I got the "about time" comments.  You may be surprised.  Plus you're such a better person, not being sucked dry by an N, that you're much more fun to be around.

The kids - one son was still at home and is an addict, was in trouble, and I stayed the last two years because I was sure he'd stay with his father, and was also sure that was the worst thing that could happen.  My son chose to stay with me - kids are smarter than you think.

My ex had a secret life that included a car, cell phone, and a room he used with his married girlfriend.  Even after he became blatant about the girlfriend I didn't kick him out, until I went to the post office where he said he was going to work on a Sunday, hollering and ringing doorbells, as our son had come home drunk.  We already had a plan on how to handle it, and N was to take the lead.  Long story short, I found him at his girlfriend's, his attny had told him to stop seeing her, and here our son was a runaway and in trouble.  I'm not sure I would have even kicked him out then, but he lied about it and for some reason that was the last straw.  Here our son might OD and kill himself, and N was whining about "You said he probably wouldn't come home until tonight" and "Three other couples at work are having an affair."  Sheeeit.

The next six months were hell.  I even started having anxiety attacks for untreated depression.  He tried everything in the book to hurt me, including trying to rip my 70 year old mother off for $32,000.  He tried to mess with my son's substance abuse treatment, and only stopped when I told him I would demand he take a psych eval and report him for buying my daughter and her minor friends beer.  I could go on and on.

He still stalks me.  His girlfriend used to help, but as far as I can tell she's stopped.  Being stalked sucks.

But I look 10 years younger.  I'm not walking on eggshells.  Life is SO much simpler.  I'm making progress.  Best of all I happy.  I didn't even know I was miserable, I was only trying as hard as I could.  He controled thing by keeping me confused.  I still have some bad habits I was taught to get me to feel bad about myself and do what he wanted, but I recognize them for what they are and so can work on them.

My "revenge" - he has to live with himself and a person very much the same.

Do you want to stay?  Aside from the kids, the coworkers?  Mine wasn't abd at first, but he never was a good partner because he needed control while appearing and saying he was controlled by me.  He was also always secretive and lied.  Ns do this for a feeling of mastery, from what I can tell.  I'm an honest and honestly caring person and I deserve better.  I can't believe what I put up with, but didn't have a clue how bad it was until I got out for a while and "detoxed".  He did all the no friends know-it-all obnoxious things you read here, but he was very good at smoozing and some people never got it.  Most did, but he had me convinced they thought he was great.  Now I'm embarrassed I was ever with him.

Some counselors are good at helping you sort out your feelings.  You may want to start there.

Alan:
I found this site no more than 10 mins ago and I feel I have found new friends.  Time tonight is short and I'll give a thumbnail.

After my first divorce, did the therapy thing, dated a psychologist, got out of my codependancy (to a major degree) and learned and read everything on relationships.  I dicovered yoga, or more specifically, Tantra and worked further and deeper. I have my garbage but my heart is in the right place.  

I am attuned to most people.  I can read emotions well and I am pretty good at seeing people with issues quickly.  Some issues are normal.  But I can also see major problems. And, of course, she had me doubting my own experience.  My pain comes from the fact intuitively I knew there was a problem but couldn't put my finger on it.  Buy my N has great "skills" at hiding.  I didn't trust myself. And we know how N's can manipulate.  And....my N is an alcoholic and sexually abused when young.  Dad was a well known and respected professional althlete and coach.  And an alcoholic.  No wonder my soon to be x wife has problems.  She has many of the classic symptoms:  Love will conquer all, questions the legitimacy of therapy, lies, finds a way to be the center of attention, no real intimacy, inappropriate behavior, broke thru most of my boundries, untrustworthy, focused on her looks (and she is a world class looker), etc.  We have had our major problems over the past 10 months, even got her into therapy.  My spin is that the therapist either did not see the N or just focused on what my ex wanted to work on. I can see where her  16 y/o daughter is following in her footsteps.  And her next oldest brother has the same tendancies, except he has a little more balance to him.  But not when he has been drinking.  My research explained to me why my N just turned it off towards me.  Sure the fighting and questions dug at her deeper problem. However, the latest cause was mentioned in one of the websites I found about an hour ago.  

My wife and I worked at the same company and were laid off on the same day.  At this point I'm guessing (she won't revel anything to me) the ego deflating job search and the worthlessness of not working must be devestating to the ex.  I feel very sad for here.  I can be a cosmic guy at times and truly believe we were put together for a reason.  Her lover traits played right into my needs and they sure did fill me up.  As a truth seeker, I was in her life to help to stop the repetitive destructive pattens of her life.  I couldn't finish the job.  I now know why.

On night 2 weeks ago, I was surfing and actually stumbled into a self-help site and looked at abuse and recovery and discovered N.  I have read everything I can.  I was like most; devistated, hurt, lost.  Once I moved out and started to reclaim myself by reading and studying, which my N does not believe in (except in her work but can't see the similarities).  

Once I read at least 3 websites by 3 different authors and the info was the same, I started to feel like my old self, by learning something new and confirming everything I experienced (and I freaked out when I read descriptions of the illness using the exact words I did).  I immediately let go of the ex and felt a whole lot better.  I am lucky, I have the tools to understand and it helps me move on.  And start over again.

I feel for everyone on this board.  One of my sadnesses is that I saw this coming on 3 years ago but did not trust myself.  I now understand why she is who she is (did I mention I am here 4th husband, she is friends with 2 [and that is a weird situation, she feels good about herself because she believes that makes it alright, #2 was a sick sick guy and she stayed for 3 years being abused by him]).

So much for being short.  And I have more stories to tell if appropriate.  I recomend a book I found in the library.  An easy read, the first part lists the N traits, which for me were almost exact in my experience, and also goes into and understandable psych background.  It is "Why is it Always About You?  Saving yourslef from the N in your Life" by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW, 2002, The Free Press.  I highly suggest this book.  It worked for me.  

Thanks for letting me spew, I do that well.  I look forward to reading more on these boards.  It feels great to get back into reality.   The more you give it away the more you get back.

cindy:
Alan, isn't it such a relief to stop being sucked dry?  Best wishes.

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