Questions re 'Your main narcissist's childhood'

[lizzie20]

Hello,

I'm very interested to learn what others here might know about their 'Main Narcissist's' childhood .

You can select more than 1 answer.

In case you are wondering why I've posted this poll, it's to see how heavily these types of childhood experiences weigh in the mix which goes to create a problem narcissistic personality.

Thank you in advance if you decide to participate & I do appreciate any input.


Lizzie20

[Saraa]

Hi Lizzie:

I don't see a poll?   Is is just my computer.

I am not quite sure if my mother is a Narcissist.  She fits many of the traits of a narcissistic personality but she also fits the histrionic personality as well as the borderline.  She also exhibits symptoms of several mood disorders including Cyclothymia, and also has symptoms of PTSD, IMO.

My mother had a father that was physically abusive to her older brother and mother, but not to her.  She did witness the violence.  He eventually abandoned the family completely.  

She also had an adoring mother who was likely emotionally absent during the first five years of my mother's life because my mother's sister was ill and eventually died as a child.  But my grandmother later appears to have overcompensated for this early emotional absence by doting on my mother.

Not sure what it all means or how it contributes.  

Edited to add.  I see the poll, now. 

[SilverLining]

My grandfather had, I suspect, traditional narcissistic personality disorder.  He was overbearing, loud, self centered, and abusive.  My grandmother was an introverted quiet woman, who attempted suicide at one time.  The attempt was unsuccessful but she died young of cancer.  My father is a more introverted quiet narcissist, or possibly has some type of autistic spectrum disorder.  But I've come to realize he has a lot of my grandfathers tendencies, he's just somewhat more subtle.  It's possible it's an inherited disorder, but intensified by a childhood of emotional abuse from a narcissistic father. 

[fraidycat]

Hi Lizzy,
Your question is something I've wondered for years . My answer ... I don't know. My NMother was my main Narcissist she never really discussed her abuse infact she painted a picture of a healthy wholesome perfect family (they lived across the country from us). But I knew from a very young age that wasn't true. She acted different then other parents and even as a kid I could see she carried pain. Sometimes she would be very harsh and say things like, if you even think about telling a lie god will put dark marks on your soul, he can read them and you can't erase them. If you have too many you'll go to hell! (this was her way of prying information out of me and striking the fear of god and eternal damnation) I was so young I was worried and said how many is too many (I was so scared!... she loved that and acted very flip and said ohh about three) She would cry on my shoulder about grown up problems she should have been discussing with adults. She would say things like, the worst thing you can do to another person is to promise some thing you never intend on giving them, she didn't just say this casually  she had this look of hate and intensity in her eyes like she was trying to tell me or teach me something (I didn't get it) I was about four yrs old and asked did someone do that to you mom? What did they promise? She changed her whole attitude and said ooohhh I don't know maybe candy. But the look in her eyes told me there was so much more to what she was trying to tell me. Thats just one of many examples of how she wanted people to know and feel her pain without actually discussing and trying to resolve her issues. She just lies and denies all of her problems. She still loves to project her pain though!

[JustKathy]

I also answered "I don't know," but the real answer is "I don't know the truth." What I know about my N mom's childhood was pieced together by things I heard from other family members.

M herself painted a picture of having a perfect childhood. She told me that she was an honor student, got straight As, and was sent to a special high school in London for gifted children (home was Canada). She was also a gifted ballet dancer, and had to go to London because the Royal Ballet was interested in her, yada yada. She told me that she had been accepted into a top university, but the family was poor, and could only afford to send the eldest child to college.

About 20 years ago, I went to a family reunion back in Canada and saw Aunts and Uncles who I had not seen since I left Canada at age eight. One of my aunts (M's sister), had a few too many beers and started telling me that my mother was extremely disturbed as a child, and that her siblings had to lock their drawers because she stole from them. Same aunt also told me that M was such a problem, that she had to be "sent away" when she was in HS.

I've also felt (just my own gut feeling) that M was bullied in HS. When I became a teen, M was insanely jealous of me if I had friends, was asked on a date, made the tennis team, etc. So much so, that she went to great lengths to sabotage my dates by humiliating me in front of them, so the news would get back to school, and I ended up being bullied myself.

So I'm just drawing my own conclusions based on a giant puzzle that I've pieced together over the years. M has the IQ of a fifth grader, so I don't believe any of the honor student stuff. More likely, the "school for gifted children" was a boarding school for troubled kids. So even though I have a gut feeling about it, I'll never know the whole truth, so it will always be speculation.

[lizzie20]

Thank you all for the feedback so far. Interesting how clearly the grandiosity came through in a couple of stories, exaggerating childhood achievments & fabricating an impressive history.

I was reading one of Dr Grossman's essays earlier.

http://www.voicelessness.com/narcissism.html

He finishes by saying:-
"The critical factor is whether they ultimately acknowledge their core problem: that as a child they felt neither seen nor heard (and/or their self was fragile as a result of trauma, genetic predisposition, etc.), and they unconsciously employed self-building strategies to survive. Acknowledging this truth takes much courage, for they must face their underlying lack of self-esteem, their exceptional vulnerability,  and significantly, the damage they have caused others.   Then comes the long and painstaking work of building (or resurrecting) a genuine, non-defensive self in the context of an empathic and caring therapy relationship."

How true this is.

An abused child never emerges unscathed, do they? It seems there is the other end of the spectrum where some wind up. As bleeding hearts, and martyrs. Always putting others first, & in doing so becoming the subject of misuse and abuse AGAIN!

And then they become psychiatrists and psychologists! (my attempt at humor)

lizzie20