Making Peace With Your Aloneness

[Ami]

 When I was healthier I could accept my essential aloneness. When you are in a sick family, you are forced to develop neurotic adaptations in order to merely survive.For example, you think YOU are bad NOT the person who really is sick and distorted, the N.
 So many feelings of  "it will never work, why bother?","you are too screwed up, why try?" come up and make me want to give up.
 However, I think if I can make peace with the aloneness, I will be OK.
  I need to touch and feel the shape of my aloneness as I used to.       Ami
 

[Ami]

I have been having feelings of hopeless over me. I think it is good b/c before I didn't think I was worth feeling. I didn't think I was worth breathing  etc
 I am accepting these feelings and sharing them.
 So, maybe I AM worth having feelings. If you understand this, you have been here.         Ami

[Ami]

I realize what it is. I had so disengaged from myself that I thought I was not worth having ANY feelings, needs, wants etc. I just had to BE(exist) for the NM, first, then others.
 That is what I think the whole thing is about. Do I deserve to exist for me and as me?        Ami

[Gabben]

  you think YOU are bad NOT the person who really is sick and distorted, the N.
 

Right. I still carry that self-image of badness, but there is badness in me, I'm not bad, I just have wounds that act themself out in bad behavior.

Making peace with my aloneness is something I can do. What I cannot do is make peace with my need to be constantly alone, especially when I am feeling like the bad one and the N is acting like the good one, it pushes me into my aloneness out of neurotic fears. Then, after I have tired of the fears and faced some of them I see myself more clearly; I can see that I am not the bad one I'm just acting out my frustration which to the N IS bad, we are supposed to be forever silent with the N's, never expressing out what they do to us, their images constructed out of their wall of ego cannot take such an assult as a true reflection of who they are.

Ami - I live with an N roommate. I have grown a tender heart for her even though she refuses to have anything to do with me. But I have been able to take her N behavior and grow from it, even having compassion for her inner world of a prison. I pray for her now and I am nice to her no matter what. She gives me the constant silent treatment as punishment for ever having spoken out about her shortcomings in living here. I am so used to taking the blame and seeing myself as "bad" because of my moms ways that for a while I allowed myself to take on her silent treatment punishment. Then, I recalled how when I lived with healthy non N's we would voice our frustrations about taking out trash and stepping on each others toes etc., liberally, and no one took offense, we just laughed and worked to improve on behalf of our respect for each other. I've been no different with her than other roommates, who I have respected, have been with me in the past when I was neglectful and inconsiderate to a degree, I could take someone's voice, I could take someone's feedback, even negative. So then, I was able to see that I am NOT bad, just being punished by the N, who wants me to be "bad" so that she does not have to own up and face her image or her real self.


N's are twisted, we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that, I do not mean twisted in a derogatory sense but in reality they twist reality to suit their images, agendas and needs etcs. There is no playing by the rules with N's.

[Ami]

  you think YOU are bad NOT the person who really is sick and distorted, the N.
 

Right. I still carry that self-image of badness, but there is badness in me, I'm not bad, I just have wounds that act themself out in bad behavior.

Making peace with my aloneness is something I can do. What I cannot do is make peace with my need to be constantly alone, especially when I am feeling like the bad one and the N is acting like the good one, it pushes me into my aloneness out of neurotic fears. Then, after I have tired of the fears and faced some of them I see myself more clearly; I can see that I am not the bad one I'm just acting out my frustration which to the N IS bad, we are supposed to be forever silent with the N's, never expressing out what they do to us, their images constructed out of their wall of ego cannot take such an assult as a true reflection of who they are.

Ami - I live with an N roommate. I have grown a tender heart for her even though she refuses to have anything to do with me. But I have been able to take her N behavior and grow from it, even having compassion for her inner world of a prison. I pray for her now and I am nice to her no matter what. She gives me the constant silent treatment as punishment for ever having spoken out about her shortcomings in living here. I am so used to taking the blame and seeing myself as "bad" because of my moms ways that for a while I allowed myself to take on her silent treatment punishment. Then, I recalled how when I lived with healthy non N's we would voice our frustrations about taking out trash and stepping on each others toes etc., liberally, and no one took offense, we just laughed and worked to improve on behalf of our respect for each other. I've been no different with her than other roommates, who I have respected, have been with me in the past when I was neglectful and inconsiderate to a degree, I could take someone's voice, I could take someone's feedback, even negative. So then, I was able to see that I am NOT bad, just being punished by the N, who wants me to be "bad" so that she does not have to own up and face her image or her real self.


N's are twisted, we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that, I do not mean twisted in a derogatory sense but in reality they twist reality to suit their images, agendas and needs etcs. There is no playing by the rules with N's.

Dear Lise
 I cried myself to sleep last night, as you said you did(on the other thread).
I think I have made  progress from writing on the Board and talking to my Enlightened Witness. Have you ever seen the book, Cure by Crying ?
 I  believe it. The author says you can heal anything--even schizophrenia--by crying.(I don't want to open up a discussion about if this is true or not, on the Board.)
 I think you need  a person to bond to ,also. I think  part of our problem is a need to attach to s/one in the present.We could not attach as children so we have to re-attach now to heal some of the distortions.Someone has to mirror us ,as we ARE, not the way the NM mirrored us, as the bad one.
 I have found that and that is probably the biggest reason I am healing.
 God sent it to me. It was not for MY deservedness but His love.
 I think s/one has to see the real you, under  the nutty ,neurotic distortions and bond to the real you. When you lose sight of yourself, the person still sees you and does not leave you..I have gone on  off the wall shame spirals and the person picks me up. I can see no good in myself. I am beating myself mercilessly. My life was so harsh, emotionally. I was like Boxer in Animal Farm.He was   beaten in to the ground.Then he was sent to the glue factory--lol.
 The NM throws ALL the bad on you and walks away clean(or tries to). Your roomate is probably the same
 The child is left a twisted ,distorted mess.
  I felt like I was under a bell jar, as Slyvia Plath writes in her book.
  I could not get out until now.
       Ami

[Ami]

The pain of coming out of denial is so bad. Honestly, I see why people never do it. Alice Miller says that if you stay in denial, you will pay emotional and physical tolls, which makes sense, of course, but facing the original feelings that made you go  in to denial feels close to unbearable.     Ami

[Gabben]

Making peace with my aloneness is something I can do. What I cannot do is make peace with my need to be constantly alone, especially when I am feeling like the bad one and the N is acting like the good one, it pushes me into my aloneness out of neurotic fears. Then, after I have tired of the fears and faced some of them I see myself more clearly; I can see that I am not the bad one I'm just acting out my frustration which to the N IS bad, we are supposed to be forever silent with the N's, never expressing out what they do to us, their images constructed out of their wall of ego cannot take such an assult as a true reflection of who they are.

It occurred to me this AM, Ami, that the N's bring out the worst in us because they are so darn frustrating. I'm going to start of thread on this topic.


Hi Ami, thanks for sharing your pain. My cry was a huge help too, I hope you feel better I may want to look at that book, thanks for the tip. Tears have been my saving grace and that is quite a play on words.

Louise Hays writes a book about healing your physical life by setting right our beliefs and repressed emotions.

[Gabben]

The pain of coming out of denial is so bad.

Isn't it? It just hurts. I'd say over the last many years that I started doing the healing of repressed trauma's and unfinished business, I have had times where I can fully understand why I repressed and denied the realities of my childhood. I could see that at the time, say when I was kidnapped, that there would have been no way that I could have withstood the terror of the moment and survived. I had to stay "cool" in order to get through what it was like to be in the hands of a gun wielding and what I could sense was a physically abusive man. Denial saved my life.

Ami - I have had more trauma and abuse in my life than most people I know. Others, who have not survived trauma, throw people like me away because they deem us hopless and because it takes such big hearts to handle people like me, very wounded.
I'm having to just accept that reality.

My denial broke when I was 22, from then on I was always in therapy working through the Nishiness in me and cleaning house. Layers of the onion started peeling off but I knew that there was unhealed and unfelt pain in me that went far back; it was not until I uncovered the memories of abandonment that I fully understood how powerful denial is as a survival tool. Today, I am so tired of surviving, I spent most of my life cleaning up the wreckage from my NM and now I am trying to live, even if for just a little while.

Lise

[Ami]

((((((( Lise)))))))
I think people throw us away b/c we ARE different,in a sense. I was thinking about a person who survived a war and had PTSD. What if s/one said," Hey, the war is over, just forget about the trauma . It is over."
 People say that to us so easily and we(I,anyway) feel guilty b/c I CAN'T get over it. If I could, I would have by now.
  People who have not lived it just don't get it and that includes many therapists.They push us away b/c it is too much trouble OR they are too weak, which I believe is the bigger truth.
  I needed a human being to let me attach. I attached like a flower from me to his heart. Then,  I started to heal.
 God has to bring the person to us .
 It is NOT your fault that  other people who could not understand.
 I was thinking the other day about God bringing you just the right person. I was thinking how beautiful that would be and I wanted to pray for it, if you would let me.          Ami
 

[Gabben]

God has to bring the person to us .
 It is NOT your fault that  other people who could not understand.
 I was thinking the other day about God bringing you just the right person. I was thinking how beautiful that would be and I wanted to pray for it, if you would let me.          Ami
 

Hi Ami,

I have loved you so much, even through our struggles here; you have been a godsend to me, that has been enough at times. Even though I went away for  awhile I held the board close and never forgot the love and compassion that I found here way back when, only a couple of years ago, when I was more fully awakening to deeper levels of my FOO upbringing. You and I connected, there was a spiritual element in that, we stayed close. To this day you will never know how your friendship here helped me through my dark nights.

As for God sending me someone, my only hope is to be seen in His eyes. I only want the One and Only. But that has been very hard because I have attachments, I am attached to the opinions of others that I love and care for. For me it is about freeing myself from those opinions and when you were brought up with nothing in the way of a genuine reflection of yourself then we spend a great deal of time looking for ourselves in others. I've found Jesus, so now I am trying to spend my time looking for myself in Him.

Hugs,
Lise

[Ami]

Oh Lise. I just saw this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so warmed by your feelings . I am so grateful to God for you!
                                                                              XXXOO    Ami