Cantors Counter

[Ami]

((((((((Cantors Counter)))))) Just wanted to give you a hug. I will write more tomorrow but I didn't want you to feel that you were not seen. I can relate SO much to your last post.        Love   Ami

[cantors.counter]

Wow. Thank you.

[Ami]

Dear Cantors Corner
 From my experience, I think you are talking about shame. We can't let anyone see  the true us b/c it would hurt too much to be vulnerable again and have someone reject or shame us.
 So, we have to try to appear perfect, even to ourselves,so the voices inside our heads(the introjects) will not shame us.
 No wonder, we want to hide from others. It is tortuous enough to be by ourselves.
 I understand b/c once my children could drive, I went in to the house as much as I could. I disengaged from life b/c it hurt too much. I did not know how to navigate it with all these NM messages beating me up all the time.
 I am coming out of it but it is very slow.Keep sharing. The first step is to expose the pain and shame.  XXXXXXOOOO   Ami

[Ami]

I get your last post, Cantors Corner. I think it is  that you have to be  "perfect" for the watching eyes, not a human who makes mistakes.
  I think finding our real self is the answer to what you are saying  in your posts.
              Ami

[cantors.counter]

Ami, I think you're right about the shame. Shame. Yes, that's it. Isolation is a definite struggle for me, even from my spouse and children. It's nice to know there are people who understand -- not that I'd wish a narcissist on anyone. I've looked for years for a place where people could "hear" what I was saying. It's a warm fuzzy, IYKWIM.

Finding myself -- yes, that's my current journey. How odd to find myself in my 40's and have no idea who I am or even what I like. In a way I wish this place wasn't here because I'd not want anyone to be in these shoes.

[Ami]

I think we, with N FOO's(familes of origin) have a different life experience from people who did not have this. It is not fair to compare us with people who had  a more normal development. It was NOT our faults.
 I share my heart with people who can understand.  That is an  antidote to shame.
 The Board is a big help in being able to express yourself and find people who understand. Sometimes, people don't and that is OK, too, b/c it is just life. However, I think I have always had one or two that did and that was enough!       XXXOOO    Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Cantor,
This is in reply to your #6 on your Member's Stories post (I keep forgetting that thread's just for the stories, and we're supposed to discuss them over here)...

I feel watched, like there's someone there critiquing my every move, my every word.

There is, hon.

It's you.

So you're exhausted from scrutinizing, examining, defending, and judging yourself all day long.

The core thing isn't really your relationship with other people. It's your relationship with yourself.

A whole lot of compassion for yourself, intentionally practiced, is what it'll take.

A practice. All that that means is... regular.

You can change this.

I think you can.

Hops