Thanks for the replies. It is hard to encapsulate all this, as there is a lot of "back story" and it's very complex. My ex travels and is out of the country frequently, sometimes for 6-9 months at a time, in those cases, he comes back for a week or two, then leaves, or brings the kids to these locations to see him. When he is in town, he alters our schedule to see them, at his home here. When the parenting schedule is "normal" again he will have them at his house every single weekend, plus another evening until after dinner. I no longer allow a lot of altering, on behalf of the kids and myself and no doubt that adds to his anger.
I also, as of this date, have lost my bid to relocate with the children.. it is still in the appeals process, and the "fat lady has yet to sing". Yes, there is a lot of sad, sexist legal injustice here, but I've accepted that and am not angry anymore. I won't leave my kids, and that is my bottom line and I am content with that choice.
Guest asked what the kids say that indicate there is a problem. Here is a sampling:
"why do we have to go to dad's for so long, it's his problem he left the country!"
"dad is always angry"
" If I tell dad I want to move, he will stop loving me"
"If I tell dad I would rather stay here this weekend, he will stop loving me"
"I have to hurry, dad is mad and in the car waiting and I have to get every piece of clothing on this list of that he ever gave me and bring it back to his house." (honk honk of the car horn)
" I don't care about going with dad on this trip and I am afraid he will be mad at me because I didn't tell you about it (and made other plans for myself)"
this list could go on and on:
my responses are supportive of thier feelings, marked with encouragement about dad truly loving them, etc, etc. I have also encouraged them to not take on other's pain, even mine, and to notice when that happens (dad unreasonably getting angry over a toothbrush left at a friend's house....my daughter noticed that was more about some issue he may be having than her being inadequate...good for her!).
Yes, I have contemplated that they may tell me what they think I want to hear, and I do my best to encourage them not to do that, I don't need it (more importantly, I do my best to demonstrate that). They also share with me fun things that dad does with them, happy experiences they have with him as well.
To answer another question, the reason I feel they (particularly my younger one) wants a voice in court, is the recurring statement:"I want to tell someone how I feel about always HAVING to go to dad's so much without having to tell dad to his face." She has expressed dissapointment that I have not found this opportunity for her yet, but the courts move soooo slow, and there has yet to be an independent evaluator assigned to speak to the kids about this.
The question about my younger one putting up walls is exactly as you suspected: silence. (marked with an occassional negative almost under the breath comment about dad or this situation ). Thanks for encouraging me to respect this.
Someone else suggested counseling. I am in counseling. Both kids were in counseling last year, the older making a decision to take whatever happens and turn it to his advantage, and actually he was the one who gave me the cattle prod shock to get my own misery dealt with (thankfully). The counselor gave up on my younger one, said no amount of therapy at that time would get her to talk. Recently, she asked to go to another counselor, with the understanding that no one would push it. She liked the counselor and was happy about going, but at this time, WILL NOT GO BACK, "you promised not to push me!"
Because there is an ongoing court case, "three way" counseling, which I assume to mean that I am there too, would probably not be an option, but I will ask my attorney about that. I would be happy to go, even include my ex if possible, but my children absolutely do not wish to address the issue directly in front of dad. He doesn't scare me anymore, but I think I know how they feel.
The comment/question about having support here led me to really look at that carefully. We do have support here,although the three of us have it in different sources, not all the same place, at least not overtly. Where I wanted to relocate to, where my extended family is, the three of us have the same support and a huge amount of it. Here, the children and I are more isolated, and I see that speaks volumes for the N ex wanting us to stay here!
Anyway, thank you all for showing interest in a total stranger. It is always a sign of true joy in this world that so many want to share the light.
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