I am just so overwhelmingly stressed right now. Is it even possible to go back and retrain yourself from things that were put into you before your earliest memory? I am so stuck between no hope and the will to live. The paranoia and edginess just makes me want to run away and not come back. I've done that in the past, just abandoned my wife and kids, even wrote a suicide note and just disappeared, thinking that was it and I was ending it. My wife called my phone and since the urge to die had passed I answered it. I can't imagine the shock she felt. She keeps moving away emotionally and I draw her back with promises, then impulsively break the promises.
I was a mistake. Whether or not I have worth has a human being is secondary. The fact is I was a mistake by 2 young people who were very very messed up and found what they thought was love in each other. Really it was just two people running from their hellish home life and leaning on each other for a short time, having sex cause it felt good and oops, out popped me. I have always been invisible to the people that put me here. That sentence may seem paranoid or delusional thinking but it is a fact. I see, and have seen hundreds of normal families over the years. As a teenager, I had a knack for working my way into these families for a short time so I know what I'm talking about.
My wife said this evening that one of the moms at the ballfield said she actually thought growing up that my grandparents were my parents because she never saw my mother and father. My dad lived 15 minutes away and I never saw him. My mom went to work came home and who knows what. All I remember is losing myself in tv and books, never having any type of two way conversation with my own mother.r
She leaned on me till I was 10. She married this guy Paul but it only lasted a couple years. She said he was a cheater. He taught me how to stand up to the bullies. If it werent for that I wouldn't have made it this far.
Again, all this may sound crazy, I don't know. All I know is I'm losing it because I never really had it. 37 years of hiding takes it out of a man. Having no one to talk to about anything, learning everything on the fly with no input from those who came before is just plain insane. It would be a damn miracle if I wasn't this way.
Anyway, I'm still hanging on by a thread, so if anyone has any answers let me know. By the way, I voluntarily checked into a hospital for suicidal thoughts about 9 months ago. After 3 days they ask you if your OK and with no cigarettes or outside activity and very little real therapy, people just say yes to get the hell out.
The problem is a deep pathological addiction to myself (as if thats not obvious) and if it can't be turned around Im lost.
Thanks again for listening.
RS
Poly,
As I read your post my heart was filled with compassion as well as being able to fully relate, even to the suicidal feelings you have. I've been there. I was so moved by your truth and honest sharing.
"I was a mistake." Deep down we know we are not mistakes otherwise we would not be capable of truth, like the deep truths you are sharing. You are significant, We all are priceless. Sometimes I feel judged for being human. For having the need to just be loved, deeply. Just accepted as I am, even messed up and feeling weak. How many times I have felt judged for wanting the simplest things in life, to just be, even to just be loved when I am feeling messed up.
Our world dictates so much. I am not a man, I cannot fully empathize with the weight you carry, the instinctive need to take-care of others needs. I think men, husbands, shoulder so much responsibility, and, if you were never allowed to be a real child then your weight is heavy, you are trying to carry much, much more that we are supposed to or were meant to carry.
You do not sound crazy...you sound more real than most, you are being real, what a refreshing thing for me to read.
"The problem is a deep pathological addiction to myself (as if thats not obvious) and if it can't be turned around Im lost." There is nothing wrong with being addicted to self, especially if that self never got recognized, we have a right to be here, we have a right to need, we have a right to be loved, the fact of the matter is that this world has made us, children of NPD's, feel wrong for simply just being human. We, children of NPD's, blame ourselves, it was not our fault that our parents could not love us into life and into humanity. It is just our responsibility to pick up the pieces; you are doing that, I am doing that, especially when, as you said on another post, we
risk being rigorously honest.
Lise
