Fixing Things and People

[Meh]

Hi, Y'all,

On the topic of the desire/compulsion to fix things or people.

What is a healthy amount of "fixing"?
When does it cross the line into unhealthy "fixing"?
Do we do it out of altruism, or is it selfish?

Has any person ever effectively "fixed" something for you that you could not fix yourself?

Has any person ever tried to fix something for you that had very poor results?

How do you know you should try to fix something yourself?

How do you know when you should try to get help?

Is it easy or hard for you to ask for help?

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Helen,

I know where you are going-- and I am in a bit of a different situation. I am also physically disabled (40 years) and am much better now at asking for, or accepting help offered, usually from 'strangers. 40 years plus a 5 month old painful broken leg from being struck down in my chair in March.

My phone went out last night, still was out this morning. I emailed two gals but no response, likely out. The landlady (a really non-smiling, toughy, strict type person) about my car in garage (not working) got my keys but learned about my phones. She went overboard to help me unplug all 3 of them , and determine a cause (Answer: One phone, the oldest is 'toast'.) I cannot bend over to reach all the plugs behind. or move, the furniture.

But she had me running around (in my 'chair) and I was beginning to pain a lot, yet needed her help. So she was good, never smiled once and said she would worry if I didn't have phone service (Some people can really surprise a body.) and was first off offering me her husband's cell phone.

I have never insisted that what I say goes as far as fixing someone else emotionally. No one can do that!

I do everything I can physically, am quite independant, but there are times I must ask, and it's usually a stanger when I am out.

I have improved 100fold since I went NC with all my toxic and N people.

Izzy

[Portia]

Helen:
I don't mind indulging my addiction to trying to help/interfere/control sometimes. I can't just go cold turkey. The more I'm aware of the dynamics, the more likely I'll stop wanting to, I guess. I have to let people screw up, as I see it. Their lives.

Altruism is a selifish act - that's not to say it's 'bad'.

It's very hard for me to ask for help. Very difficult. I don't want to 'owe' anyone. I can just about ask for a favour but i don't like doing it. I like reciprocal things to be very clear. Preferably in a typed contract!

What I like is reciprocation with like-minded people - it's fun and I don't even notice it happening - probably because they're similar to me and we don't freak each other out by doing silly things like saying: 'would you like to come to dinner?'.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Portia

'would you like to come to dinner?'.

"If you don't have any other plans we'd like for you to come to dinner tomorrow evening", say Izzy, and that way, if I receive an "Negative", I allowed it...a 'Positive'?.... so much better. I feel we must allow people to have choices for the sakes of both parties.

Now today I might have done a bit of manipulating but the story had to be told. My BCAA allows 4 boosts in a membership year and I've had my 4. A boost would now cost me $35.00.  The 4th boostr was to go have my battery checked and bought a new one Jan 27, 2 months later my car was dead so went out in my wheelchair and was struck by a car and my car has been sitting 'dead' in underground parking for 5 months, while my broken leg heals.

The Service Place says it could be a faulty new battery so bring it in (Warranty) and BCAA has waived the $35.00 charge this time because of the circumstances. As well it would be $45.00 for a tow and only the first 5 km is free.. If I chose that, it would be waived as well.

I didn't even whine or cry or "poor me". I just said I needed assistance in hooking up these two appointments.

Got it! Free boost after 10"00 am tomorrow and Service center knows I am coming.

So this feels all right to me as I pay my dues to BCAA, and I paid for the battery. I will drive it there and home as I don't need my left leg..... with hand controls. (Does anyone?--I know one person who drives with both feet.)

Now a different scenario would be trying to find someone to remove the battery and take it in for me for testing, then returning it, or coming back with a replacement and install it, or someone to do the driving to, and waiting for me at, the Service Centre, and I won't put anyone out for that.

I sometimes think that I can be TOO independant!! Any thoughts?

Izzy