I once saw this book of old black and white photos of these boys on old ships. They were sitting on parts of the ship with their legs and feet dangling and their hair is tussled from the salt water wind. My essential self must have been communicating something to me.
I think my heart wanted to leap out of my chest, do a pirouette in the air and then land into one of the photos. I wanted to go back in time and be one of those boys on those boats. Sort-of. (I mean there are bad jokes about that).
I don't believe in past lives, but I sort of wondered if I had been one of these people in a past life because I've never even taken sailing lessons.
OK - more ideas on this topic: watch Robin Williams' movies - Peter Pan and Jumanji. They both tap into my wacky sense of make-believe and fun. Of course, sometimes I find myself crying through the giggles, too. Like the tin-man in Wizard of Oz... that sense of silly fun is a bit rusty; it's sorta painful to try "moving" that part again. The more you do it, the easier it gets and the better it feels. It sort of lights the way to more serious pay-offs, too.
Actually, it was my hubby who introduced me to these movies... and Men in Tights; the Robin Hood stuff with Costner, too. I absolutely adored Errol Flynn and Danny Kaye movies when I was a kid. I still want a sword - and to take tai chi sword classes.
My hubby has been feeding this "need to play" for me - and it started YEARS before therapy. That's one of the things I love about him - his theory is that one should never "grow up", in the sense that you stop having silly fun. Oh, he is a responsible, reliable person - never fear - but toys? He is the king of toys and play. When I told him I always wanted a pony - he bought me 3 miniature toy ponies. When I mentioned I always wanted to dance ballet - he found where I could buy toe shoes. There have been spirographs, key-chain watercolor sets, and more. He found a way to teach me how to play video games - on a wii: my first time was playing baseball and I hit home run, after home run; I was hooked. I used to be killer at baseball... and I just played not long ago with my brother & his kids - I can still slam one in real life. He is threatening to make me a pirate hat with a tiara...
And yes, hubby's the Pirate King - especially now that we're anticipating a move to the beach. He plays Jimmy Buffett's "A Pirate Looks at 40" over & over & over... we have visited the Margaritaville websites... and now there are more "toys", of course! Today, he is submitting his resignation at work and choosing a "retirement" date before the end of the year. We are retiring to "play" - to make up for all those days we were "always there"; did the things that had to get done and no one else would do... our new goal in life is to be old kids, period.
Like you, I feel inhibited somewhat - having fun. It's not that I can't... but yes, I feel that someone's going to judge me and that's not comfortable... so I back off the ideas or "never get around to it". So sometimes, I just say the hell with it... and do it. And it turns out that for me, the only one "judging" or disapproving the fun... is the internalized "critic" who holds the opinion that it's not "seemly" for someone my age to be enjoying myself that much. Well, critics are just people who voice their opinion. And opinions are like arseholes - everyone's got one. Doesn't mean the opinion is correct, now does it?
One more pirate reference...
at the end of day long meetings to transfer my Dad's business to my brother & me (all so serious & corporate)... full of lawyers... documents in triplicate... the whole bit... our last meeting was with 3 more bankers. At this point, it's beginning to hit me emotionally that everything is done and I just want to whoop and hollar; it's been almost a year since my Dad died, and this process has been excruciatingly slow. So one of the bank reps manages the property insurance for the business and I'm looking at a form that says our global, ocean-going shipments are insured.... and out of my mouth with no forethought comes:
so.... does this mean our shipments are insured against pirates? (They are!!)
And everyone except my brother busted out laughing. He looked like he didn't even hear me (and truth is, he remembers almost nothing of what went on that day). At that point, the "suits" became real people... and they started to talk just a bit differently, more relaxed and candid. Then I explained my upcoming move to the beach. Playing is how we learned - or should have - as kids, to connect with others. My irrepressible, smart-ass inner kid couldn't resist making that comment in that setting... and how wise she is, that she broke the tension and the stuffy respectable pretense... with that one facetious (well, not quite given where the shipments go) question about pirates. The rest of the time, I was direct & to the point, able to trade-off with them in discussions, because I did do my homework and have some experience with the topics at hand. Professional, that is - with a twist. And I doubt they'll forget me or my question when the only time we interact is through email, ya know?
Play is very very good for us - like vitamin C. It's nutrition for a part of us that isn't physical.
