Was your NM abused by your father/her spouse?

[nolongeraslave]

I'm just wondering how common this is. My biological father physically abused and severely assaulted my NM. To the public, this makes my NM look the sweet innocent lady who deserves sympathy. In reality, she is just as cruel as my biological father (or maybe more.)  The only difference is that her abuse never left visible scars, while my father's behavior did.  She often used my father's actions to manipulate and guilt people.  Did your dads abuse or dominate your NM, and did you feel like your NM just took out her rage on you?  

For example:

"I had such a horrible life! Why can't you do this for me?" (to get me to do stuff for her. Independence was seen as not feeling sorry for her horrible life).

"My life was worse than yours! So what if you were sexually abused? I only have one eye! At least you weren't beaten!" (my mom is blind in one eye).

I was little, so I don't remember if my NM verbally/mentally abused my biological father. It's possible though, because I know how mean she is.
My mom has a tendency to make good people look evil (because they don't meet her narcissistic needs). My mom says my biological father hates us and doesn't want us, but I have a gut feeling she is lying.   My biological father NEVER abused my brothers and I. It was always my mom. I sometimes wonder if he was frustrated by her N antics.

[nolongeraslave]

I just want to add that this is why it's tough to stand up to a narcissistic parent. They can twist your actions around to make you look like a bad person.

My mom brainwashed me for many years into thinking that my older brother was this evil and heartless person. "He's just like your biological father!"   I believed her, but found out she was such a liar. SHE was the one that was truly heartless and evil. Not him.  Since my brother didn't allow my NM to control him and didn't believe in her "Money and glamor is everything!" belief, she automatically thought he was this horrible person.  The truth was he just wanted to be a simple person that made his own decisions that were in his best interest. My NM couldn't stand it.

NOW, my NM claims how wonderful my brother is and denies that she used to talk shit about him.  Since I started to assert myself independently, I have magically transformed into the "evil and heartless" daughter.   



NM would always tell us that we were just like our "evil father", if we didn't do what she wanted.  She told me this when I was 11, just because I wanted to buy a shirt she didn't like.    The shirt was normal and appropriate for an 11 year old, but it wasn't "stylish" enough for her.  So, she punishes me by saying, "Your fashion sense sucks! You're just like him! That's the damn truth. I dress so much better than you!"

Wow, what a screwed up psycho.

[Ami]

My M is the major sadistic N abuser in our family. My F may be an N as far as not having emotion but he is not sadistic like yours and my M's are.
 Trust YOURSELF, sweet friend. You are OK. It is she who is the monster. It was that bad. That is the hard part.
                                                                                   Sending thoughts of love to you,      Ami

[nolongeraslave]

I'm not excusing what my biological father did to my NM, but I sometimes wonder if it is karma.  I know I'm not Nm's first victim, so I wonder if God was punishing her for all of the cruel things she has gotten away with.

My NM always used to say "I must have done a lot of bad things in my past life to deserve this hell!"  As I get older and learn about narcissism, everything makes sense.  She makes it seem like it's everyone else causing problems, but it's really her.


While I'm not in contact with my biological father (my NM would see it as betraying her anyway), I do think he feels remorse for what he has done.  NM, on the other hand, doesn't feel any remorse for the things she has done.  But, she's so talented at manipulating people. She has made my biological father look like the bad person.

[Sealynx]

My father never physically abused my mother. They did have issues. He kept financial secrets from her and did or failed to do things behind her back. That said, I think that short of physical abuse it is very hard for a child to come to a clear understanding of who did what to whom in the parent department of an NPD home. As we know, they can say and do things that don't appear to be provocative to outsiders but strike at the heart or soul of a family member. Did my father hide things because he was a deceptive person, or did he hide things because she so often obstructed day to day things he needed to do? I don't think I'll every know even half of what went on between them.

[nolongeraslave]

If you don't mind me asking, what do you guys think about me defending my biological father or trying to see things from his perspective?  Does that make me a bad person?  Since my biological father didn't abuse me, it's hard NOT to choose him sometimes.  He didn't do any of the things that my NM and step-dad inflicted on me. 

It's so weird.  My mom expects us to like our step-dad more, because he didn't do anything to HER.  The fact that he did stuff to us doesn't matter, because narcissists can't empathize.  The rule of the household is to HATE my biological father. My NM even told me to "spit on him" if I ever run into him, yet she yelled at me for wanting to get revenge on my step-dad.  I even suggested to not call my step-dad "dad" anymore, but my mom got pissed.  She said we had to call him "dad" no matter what, because he's supporting her and giving into her needs for money, status, etc.  Acknowledging my biological father in anyway meant that we didn't care about our mom.  

Some people say that it's HORRIFIC for my mom to throw away a part of us.  Whether we like it or not, our biological father is a part of our genes.    It feels like my mom is acting like Hitler and erasing any "inferior" genes we have.

Other people say she has a right to do what she's doing, so she can forget about him.   I hate to bring up old stuff, but I was forced to pretend that my step-dad was my real dad for many years. My mom sees nothing wrong with this. She will argue with you to justify herself and get other people to gang up on you.

[Sealynx]

NLS,
Here is my 2 cents.
As an adult, I feel that your relationships are your own to pick and choose. No one should be allowed to tell you what to feel. Don't tell her when you talk to your father and avoid step-dad if that feels right. She has no right to make you conform to her needs in this matter.

As for the abuse, I can see how N's might push some people over the edge. Do you know if your father was abusive in other relationship or just with her? NPD folks can have borderline traits and as I mentioned above, sometimes it is hard to know who initiated what.

Don't expect her to ever understand or support your decisions. My experience has been it is better to lie in their presence and do what you want when alone if you still see her and SD regularly. She has no right to the thoughts in your head.

[nolongeraslave]

Yeah, lying is what I've been doing. You have to play their games,because they will kill you if you show your true self. 

In any case, I'm so thankful for this place. If I've let this stuff out on places like yahoo, I get devoured. People don't get this kind of stuff, and don't want to deal with it.


It feels like I'm the only one going through these screwed up family situations, even though I know others are out there.

[Butterfly]

My F is ostensibly borderline with N traits and my NM well, I would say certainly borderline with heavy N traits or borderline and N.  Either way, it means absolute horror for any children born of such a couple.  

Yes, F was verbally abusive, violent and aggressive.  And, since he was louder, bigger and punched holes in walls, it seemed from a child's perspective that he was the "bad guy" in the relationship.  Now that I know about NM's manipulative and surreptitious abuse, I know she is more evil than F.  But, still, F was/is verbally and emotionally abusive and deserves nothing good to be said of him.  He was a complete fraud--wonderful to persons outside the family, but a monster toward his children.  And, N was worse.  So, if he is/was abusive toward her, all I can say is that she certainly deserves it.  And, vice versa.  

[nolongeraslave]

Butterfly, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

You're right. When you're young, watching your dad do that makes him look like the bad guy.  We also witnessed my biological father slapping my mom.

I hate to say it too, but I also think my step-dad and mom deserve each other.    I don't feel sorry for the problems they have in their marriage. 

[Lucky]

I have never seen my father being violent or mean with my mother. Also he has never been abusive towards me or my sister.