On more reflection of the mastering of my ego:
I went to my parish this evening to hear a talk by a Catholic professor, theologian and priest...here is a video of him:
http://www.wordonfire.org/WOF-TV/Commentaries.aspx#ytPil_videoAnyway...this particular priest, after watching his dvd on the three paths to holiness (something like that) has helped me greatly in the past to convert deeper into the Catholic faith, giving the faith a new perspective that I was able to actually apply and begin to live my faith much more deeply.
Much of what he said tonight further confirmed my already set in play truth about how to keep growing spiritually towards peace and fulfillment. The detaching of worldly desire for money (for me that translates to security), pleasure ( smoking), power (not really an issue for me because I love to love over power), and then my primary God of choice which is honor, or for me love...to be regarded, to be esteemed, to be cared about...the N supply that at times drives me, reaching, grasping, seeking (dancing)....all which in my eventual hunger and dissatisfaction led me back to a my truth in seeking out God, the true fulfilment, lasting and ever increasing One.
But for me the spiritual walk is about overcoming what most have not had to suffer. I see people at my parish, good, loving, devoted and healthy people, not living in major disorder...I can sense their spirituality and it makes me happy but I also feel and wonder what would that good person do if they were in my shoes or had walked in my shoes of suffering. I think, have they been sifted to perfection, yet?
Oh well...only God can know my heart and the violence that I suffered through as well as the manifestations of that violence that has shown up later in my life (when I speak of violence I mean just anger, bitterness and addiction in me at not getting love as a child and the woundedness of that unfulfilled desire that is and needs to continue to die, if I am to have any real peace).
Thanks again for your compassion and listening.
This wound of stubborn loss at never getting the love I so desired, or recognition, is at times excruciating, I forget that in dying to self I am set free. Free from my own ego driven desires that make me a slave to emptiness and regret, nothing more nothing less, just pure emptiness and regret.
Another cross of affliction, I'm so very tired of these crosses but tt reminded me of something when she wrote about her
(7) year trial, my trial has only been for the last two years, I have been fighting it, wanting it to stop, but I am beginning to surrender to the idea that my trials will go on much longer, my trials of rejection, deception and mistreatment. Oh, if I could just detach from good feelings.