Cantor,
I had a pretty good relationship with my father and I didn't grieve right at first. No wonder that you are even more confused since your relationship with your father was rocky to say the least.
I had to hold my dad at arm's length because he was engulfing, although not a N. I would sit down periodically with him and have a good talk ... but couldn't do that every day or even every week because it would have resulted in a lot of anger. So, my grief pulsates kind of to the rhythm of how often I used to have good contact with him.
So, I would say as one daughter of a deceased father to another --- try not to judge your feelings (or lack of them).
I have a friend who had a very distant and confusing relationship with her father, and when he died she kind of thought she wouldn't grieve. Actually, she gave herself the strong message that she would be silly to grieve over someone she hardly knew. Then one day she ended up in the emergency room, from throwing up and throwing up and she couldn't stop. So, do your best to give yourself permission to grieve --- even if it is just grieving over what might have been. And then, wait and see what happens. I might also say, give yourself permission not to grieve too. Feelings just are, they aren't right or wrong. I think we're responsible for what we can control, and feelings aren't on the list of what we can control.
