a very clear article on N- recovery

[Izzy_*now*]

http://www.narcissism-abuse-recovery.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder.html

**EXCERPT**

Our stories of abuse can only take us so far! We can actually find ourselves stuck in our stories! We may end up feeling so victimized by the experiences we went through while living with a narcissistic mate that we are moved to tell the story of what happened to us over and over.

The primary purpose for wanting to tell our stories is that we are looking for some kind of validation that we are really not as crazy as we may feel we are.

If we tell others about what happened and they agree with us that we have just experienced a type of abuse, it is a confirmation of something we may be feeling deep down.

I find many people continue to seek validation that their ex-mate was indeed a narcissist. This is not productive!

It doesn't really matter whether or not that person has received a diagnosis of narcissism or whether or not he would if he was evaluated. What does matter is that you recognize that you were in a relationship that did not support your empowerment as an individual.

We can spent our days dwelling on the topic of narcissism; lord knows I did, or we can move on in our lives!

[Ami]

Dear Izzy
  It is wonderful for you that you are where you are but equally valid for other people to talk about their families and pain as long as they want or need to.
 We all need to respect that other people's processes are different than our own. I think that is maturity and I think I am coming to that now.                         Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

Ami

Those are Kaleah's words not mine. Tell her, yet I agree with her.

Iz

[Ami]

I know you agree, Izzy, and that is fine for you but other people may not and that is fine for them. That was my point.           Ami

[lighter]

Izzy:

It appears that some victims identify themselves as victims their entire lives.

Not as recovering or overcoming.....

but as victims, and that may well be their comfort zone.

They're never going to stop talking about the past, bc that's who they are, which seems sad.

One person in particular comes to mind, and I must tell you....... she's MENSA smart, plays muscical instruments brilliantly and would succeed at anything endeavor she chose.  You can just see her succeeding in a sales position.... she'd be wonderful at it, has been wonderful at it in the past.

Instead, what has she chosen for herself?

She's a victim and it breaks my heart to watch her remain mired these past 25 years, adding to her very long list of wrongs and transgressions against her. 

She's moved farther into her victimhood, she wears it like a shroud, weilds it like a tool.  She pretty  well clubbed her lovely marriage into the ground with it.... and anyone paying attention could see that was how it had to go, from the start.

There's something in her that couldn't let go of the unfairness, the pain..... she continues needing validation.  There isn't enough validation in the universe, unfortunately.

The need only gets larger for her.  Is it her coping strategies that failed her?  Is being a victim a coping strategy?  I have no idea, I can only comment on how sad it's been to watch her journey.

On the other hand, I've witnessed you ,Amber and CB navigate through healing processes on this board.

It's been an amazing testimony to how different journeys can wedle their own wegs, but continue moving forward.

Thanks for sharing this article: )

Mo2

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi  Mo2

Thank you for your input and I agree with your take on this.

I think what the professional victim is not seeig is that there is a way out, by not dwelling on the wrongs done that cannot be undone, but to think of how and why those wrongs affected them so, and work on thse 'personal defects'.

I was that away back in the in the beginning, and I think I expected that if the wrong-doer apologized to me, all would go well for the rest of our lives. Not so! I've learned that the wrong-doer is never wrong and will therefore never apologize (change) unless he/she sees the light and wants to. The victim will always be one unless he/she determines what s/he can do to change and no longer be a victim.

I'm being put through my paces in assertiveness, as a no longer victim, as the Occupational Therapist, who is the one to plan my recovery, runs the whole show and is paid by the Insurance Co. BUT I don't have to agree if her choice is not beneficial in my healing. Yesterday she cut off my Physical Therapy. I am appalled as she did it, in my presence, even seeing that the pain was very bad just from too long on my boarded cushion.

She said I could do my exercises myself, which means I drop 2 that require the physical therapist's . Working together, Karla and I were making headway then MJ lowers the boom. I was in 'shock', but needed to first assess the situation, and came online to send emails to Karla, my Insurance Rep, who works with my lawyer, and to my lawyer as well.

This OT, Mary Jo, is mind boggling, and has the power to do what she has done, but my people also have the power to make her reverse her decision.

All this determines if I am a victim of the accident or a survivor of the accident. I just have to speak up and also learn to temper my behaviour with MJ, as the only one hurt in the end will be me,while MJ gones on to plan someone else's defeat!

I am not a quitter, but as a quittr, I wouild be left with a useless leg, amd perhaps pain for the rest of my life.

Love
Izzy

P.S. what is "wedle their own wegs" ?

[lighter]

Wedling Weg is like.....

"winding path."

I agree with everything you're saying here, Izz.

You have to get in there and assert yourself, which you're doing.

It seems money is the driving force behind your pt treatments being cancelled.  I'm sure this woman is doing this bc the rules say she must OR bc she's getting a kick back, something dreadful and without empathy but, it must be addressed.

Good luck with that.

Stay on them.

M02

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Mo2

Ok! I'll believe you! I thought your fingers might have been on the wrong keys and I searched my keyboard for a possible word!

I have sent an email to my lawyer, and the ICBC rep he has for my case. I laid out the details and told them I was determined to be a survivor and all the other necessary thiings--that MJ is an Occupational Therapist who just sits in an Office reading her school books, and the reports from my helpers, then makes a unilateral decision to change my life.

I sent a separate one to Karla, my physical therapist, and told her she was finished and why did I have to tell her? Isn't Mary jo the bearer of bad news? She is nice, as is Christine who will be here shortly.

Yep if we don't do it for ourselves, realize the need, we would go nowhere.

I would think that anyone with a brain, meaning Mary Jo and ICBC, would realize that if they don't pay for my helpers in my recovery, there will be a hell of a difference come Court! I'll have to hire my own helpers, so-----?

xx
Iz

[lighter]

Oh.... that's right.

A bad decision on the PT's part can have very negative consequences for the company she works for.

Sounds like they're inviting you to make that case, IMO.

I'm glad you're planning to continue the T, even if it's discontinued by the Ins Company. 

Losing ground now, would be just too hard.

Mo2