Mother of wildness seeking calm out of madness

[Gaining Strength]

Today is the worst day I have had in many months.  I have just taken a nose dive.  I know it is temporary but while in the midst of it - it sucks. 

I feel so overwhelmed.  Not that that is unusual but I think I feel it acutely because I have been working to clean up today.  That is exactly why cleaning up is so difficult, it trips some deep seated pain that I am only now getting the slightest access to.  I'm not going to put it down here because on paper it sounds so ho-hum but the pain is unbearable.  I have made the association that as a child problems received excoriating reactions from my parents when I tried to resolve them or fix them or clean up situations.  That is when the worst of their wrath descended.  It has taken me several years to get to this.  It has and indescribable alienating and shaming effect. 

The pain that I feel and the rejection and isolation and loneliness are horrific.  I have nowhere else to go to share this pain except here.

[Ami]

Today is the worst day I have had in many months.  I have just taken a nose dive.  I know it is temporary but while in the midst of it - it sucks. 

I feel so overwhelmed.  Not that that is unusual but I think I feel it acutely because I have been working to clean up today.  That is exactly why cleaning up is so difficult, it trips some deep seated pain that I am only now getting the slightest access to.  I'm not going to put it down here because on paper it sounds so ho-hum but the pain is unbearable.  I have made the association that as a child problems received excoriating reactions from my parents when I tried to resolve them or fix them or clean up situations.  That is when the worst of their wrath descended.  It has taken me several years to get to this.  It has and indescribable alienating and shaming effect. 

The pain that I feel and the rejection and isolation and loneliness are horrific.  I have nowhere else to go to share this pain except here.

Dear GS
 I know it does not help much but I TOTALLY understand. The repressed pain is horrific. Helen said it best,1000 old mourning widows in my soul.
 It was repressed cuz it would have killed a kid. It IS that bad.
 I am so sorry you are hurting like that GS.                                                        XXXX    Ami
 

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you Ami - that's it - repressed and now it has to come out.

I have a new friend as of this summer.  I called her.  It helped to talk about anything.  As we talked I cleaned some more.  As I did that I had an insight as to how something, anything that overrides the pain allows me to get the work done, it keeps me from dipping down into that wretched state.  Maybe I can find some way to create that same dynamic even when I am alone.  That would really be fantastic.

I feel better now.  It was so helpful to have a place to come and a human to talk to who is understanding.  Such a release.  Such a releif. 

The one activity planned for today was my child's football pictures and game.  He has a virus and doesn't even feel like dressing to have his photo taken.  I hate that he doesn't feel any better today.  But I also HATE being so isolated at home with all that repressed horror coming up.

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
Me too.
I'm avoiding it. Because there's so much it's -- ugh. One thing at a time and the list never gets shorter. Though it CAN. I know the purging, decluttering, simplifying thing is real. And does change lives.

Tiny example. I got everything off the floor of my closet a few weeks ago when I gave away a third of my clothes. Duh. Now it's easy to vacuum.

But I did get started this week. Vacuumed a lot.

Now...I dedicate the cleaning of my moldy shower curtain to you!

(Only you would...might...consider that a good thing...right?  )

Hugs,

Hops

[Ami]

Thank you Ami - that's it - repressed and now it has to come out.

I have a new friend as of this summer.  I called her.  It helped to talk about anything.  As we talked I cleaned some more.  As I did that I had an insight as to how something, anything that overrides the pain allows me to get the work done, it keeps me from dipping down into that wretched state.  Maybe I can find some way to create that same dynamic even when I am alone.  That would really be fantastic.

I feel better now.  It was so helpful to have a place to come and a human to talk to who is understanding.  Such a release.  Such a releif.  

The one activity planned for today was my child's football pictures and game.  He has a virus and doesn't even feel like dressing to have his photo taken.  I hate that he doesn't feel any better today.  But I also HATE being so isolated at home with all that repressed horror coming up.

It IS really hard when it comes up. There is no way around it. It feels hopeless like it will never get better.
I think I am getting better .
You can't let anyone guilt you out of it, though, by a "Just get over it""You have everything to be grateful for so stop complaining". "Fix yourself up and get out of the house(*I* get this all the time  )
  You have to respect the process, I am finding. It just IS from what we went through.
 Most people didn't and can't understand.
 In the meantime, its a mean time, you know?                                   xxxx Ami

[Gaining Strength]

(Only you would...might...consider that a good thing...right?

YES I DO!!!
I wish I were close enough to come do it for you.  I have some great cleaner that is not chemical based and has a fabulous fragrance.  I would do it in a heart beat.  We should swap.  I suspect you could help me and I could help you.  I just wish we were close enough to make it work.

Thinking of you.  I think I will invoke your encouragement tomorrow while I try to finish the kitchen.  It is so much easier to cook in a clean and neat kitchen.

[Hopalong]

I love cleaning kitchens.
I wish I could clean yours.

xo
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

O - so funny Hops.  I was thinking about you today and thinking that I can do some things in my home and put into it the effort that I would put into helping you.  That's the odd thing.  I can do for anyone but me.  That twiested stuff of N injection.

CB - thanks so much.  I've been thinking of you in the past few days.  Must have been one of those mind-connects.  Hoping things are moving along swimmingly for you.  Thank you for returning my focus to the good stuff.

Ami - I was thinking this morning that each and every time I deal with an issue - it gets worse before it gets better.  I believe that is what was going on with me this weekend.  Not to mention that as a single mother of an ill child I was completely housebound for 84 hours.  That is wwaayy too long.  This roller-coaster ride is a clear pattern for me.  I will just have to ride it out because the prize is at the end.

Thanks for caring you three.

[Ami]

O - so funny Hops.  I was thinking about you today and thinking that I can do some things in my home and put into it the effort that I would put into helping you.  That's the odd thing.  I can do for anyone but me.  That twiested stuff of N injection.

CB - thanks so much.  I've been thinking of you in the past few days.  Must have been one of those mind-connects.  Hoping things are moving along swimmingly for you.  Thank you for returning my focus to the good stuff.

Ami - I was thinking this morning that each and every time I deal with an issue - it gets worse before it gets better.  I believe that is what was going on with me this weekend.  Not to mention that as a single mother of an ill child I was completely housebound for 84 hours.  That is wwaayy too long.  This roller-coaster ride is a clear pattern for me.  I will just have to ride it out because the prize is at the end.

Thanks for caring you three.

I really think, GS, that the healing IS in the feelings coming up and out.The hard part is enduring them. Under the feelings are the insights which open doors to show you that the stuff was old and does not apply to you,now and never did
 I am getting those kind of insights. It does feel good on some days and hopeless on others. I agree with that!                  Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I gained another sliver of insight today.  I was stressed over the failure of my internet service.  The provider says it is a piece of hardware and gave me the manufacturers phone number.  The manufacturer tells me that I need to take it to a certified repair person but that the only person they have is in an area way out of town but that he can do some test for $35 right there on the phone.  Whatever it is, I can see the $$$$ mounting up and it sends my stress levels soaring.  It is just one of several issues that I am having with things breaking down in my home but I am internet dependent.

After spending an hour + on the phone with various folks re the internet I get in the car to take my son to my mother's b/c I have a meeting this evening.  Stressed, I find myself getting irritated about having to go to this meeting.  I don't have many clothes and I feel rotten about what I have on, and on and on.  I feel myself slipping into a dark place, a place of despair and bad mood.  I will only know 2 of the 10 or 12 people here. 

Suddenly, I saw what was happening with me - it was a flash back - so many times something would happen on our way to some place - I would be screamed at or told that my hair looked awful or that my dress was ridiculous or something that caused me to feel horrible about myself - no one to turn to for comfort - and then we would arrive at our destination - another family's home, an event, the country club or something and I would be still hurt, still feeling bad about myself but expected to just snap out of it and pretend that nothing had happened, to shift into positive and perky and FUN.  But the resentment I felt at having no acknowledgement of my experience nor my feelings was huge then and has remained so for all these years.  It was because I had no voice and no listener.  Never have.  It fuels resentment and frustration.

Tonight I will be able to shift out of this and recognize that it belongs to the past and to the issues aboutmy computer rather than to this next event.  I believe I will be able to separate the two tonight.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Your post reminded me of how awful Sunday mornings always were. There was always a fight and everybody always arrived in a bad mood. The fight was usually over appearances. I don't know why it was more important to look perfect than to arrive at church in a good mood, ready to receive some kind of spiritual blessing.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi GS...

how did your meeting go?

I'm curious, because of your insight prior to the meeting - of being able to separate things past & present. Was that a help? I wonder if you felt more confident about the meeting, knowing that the bad mood you felt yourself slipping into was a past script and that while you were justifiably irritated and concerned about your internet access, if you were able to put that aside - let it go - to focus on the meeting. That would be a good skill to have!

I've been "seeing" a lot of things like this lately, myself. And sometimes, the insight does help me shake it off; other times the effects are more subtle. But they do tend to accumulate "critical mass"... like a snowball... and then there's an increase in momentum, propelling me into a whole "new phase".... of maybe what I'd call internal emotional competence (???). Granted, it's not complete, consistent... reliable... yet. But I sense that the more experience I have of this, the more solid it's getting.

How 'bout you?

[Gaining Strength]

Hey PR - the insight shifted my reaction completely.  It wiped the bad attitude away completely and I could look forward to the meeting and I enjoyed it.

I am not around much because I have been having trouble with a bunch of stuff including my internet interface card and several other aspects of the internet connectivity.  SOOOO irritating - but helps with my computer addiction - lol.