Would it speed up healing/recovery if we weighed our limitations in the balance?

[teartracks]

Hi,

Do we slow down healing/recovery by not acknowledging our limitations?
Or more specifically, do we fail to acknowledge the difference between self-imposed limitations, other-imposed limitations, and the limitations  we were born with or if you will, the God given limitations that are ultimately a part of our uniqueness? 

tt

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi TT

For me, I would slow down my healing/recovery in being angry, vengeful and holding on to that, instead pf going No Contact and letting go of something that can never be changed.
xx
Izzy

[Ales2]

For me, at this moment, the #1 reason (i.e. limitation) for me to be LC is because of my financial situation. The first thing I will do when it clears up is save $$, so that I can be completely NC.  My other limitation is that there is an intellectual part of me that does not understand why she did what she did - its seems counterintuitive and I want to question her about it, but I have to remember that knowing she is an N means that I should be beyond engaging her in an argument.  Of course, sometimes, she starts one and then all I can do is stay calm, and get off the phone or drop the call, which is what I try to do.

[Ales2]

oh- I also did not answer your question- I think knowing our limitations is good if we can use it to drive us forward.  I think its about perspective. some limitations have to be accepted others can be addressed.

[teartracks]

Hi Ales,

On limitations, I remember when I began healing/recovery, thinking how obvious it was that I was starting from ashes (a la Phoenix bird).   As wounded and ill-equipped as I felt, there was something in me  that  wanted to do the rebuilding the right way.  At that time, having been LIMITED all my life by external forces, i.e., a narcissistic mom, I just wasn't prepared to think in terms of being limited.   I expect that mindset is not uncommon for people in similar situations.  But as time went on, I began to understand that a higher goal was to be me with all my gifts & talents AND with all my limitations.  Now I understand that my uniqueness as a human being is a mixture of both.  It is just as important that I recognize and acknowledge the things I am not good at as it is to acknowledge the things I'm good at. 
I look to others (people are always giving us signals about the state of our behaviors if we tune in), and I look to myself to monitor the state of my behavior, with a desire to square 'how I am & what I am' against the Golden Rule.   The big thing is that I'm my own person now, good, bad or indifferent.  I know better (than to be roboticized by others) now, so I'm responsible to do better...I love having that responsibility.

tt

[Sealynx]

TT,
I think you have brought up a good topic. I mentioned on another board that one things N's project very well is "certitude". Having one around means having someone who is NEVER in doubt or willing to admit limitations.  Worse yet they gave us awful words for the people they found to be "limited" .....stupid, ugly, argumentative.....but never....human.

Part of our recovery is realizing that we can relax into our limitations and see them either as a natural place to stop or a resting point beyond which we are not willing to go at this time is important. We were never taught that the world won't fall apart if we don't completely understand it or excel in every way that we see others excelling.

I was having a discussion with someone the other day about how most relationships I see have a hook. What I mean by that is that one person bolsters the other in some way. One has a limitation and the other compensates. If you never acknowledge a limitations you never get to meet those good people who would love to get to know you better by helping you with something.

[teartracks]

Hi Sealynx,

I was having a discussion with someone the other day about how most relationships I see have a hook. What I mean by that is that one person bolsters the other in some way. One has a limitation and the other compensates. If you never acknowledge a limitations you never get to meet those good people who would love to get to know you better by helping you with something.

Yes.  Always two sides to the coin.

I remember a woman many years who came to my business seeking employment.  This was before I knew anything about dysfunction/recovery/emotional healing or that I might have some serious issues of my own  .  Anyway, she was a bit on the odd side.  She has multiple, somewhat severe and distracting facial ticks.  They cross over her face/eyes  like lightening and often.  And though what she says on a subject is usually well organized and well said,  she just talks too long once she gets the floor in social settings.  The signal to cut it short goes right past her.  To tell you the truth, back then, she scared me for I didn't know how to react to or handle what were obvious, but harmless quirks.   Fast forward to now.  We both regularly attend the same church activity.  She still has the same quirks.  But I have grown up enough that her quirks no longer scare me.  I look right over them as if they are not there.  Here's the neat part.  Now that I'm not afraid to meet her where she is I see a woman who has a keen sense of humor and who can laugh at herself.  I see a woman who when she listens (not her strong point), she REALLY listens.   Now that I'm not afraid of her, I hear how she has routinely struggled all these years where her work/employment is concerned.  I didn't hire her.  I don't think I would hire her for other reasons, if the same scenario presented itself again.  BUT it feels good to have grown up enough that I can see past her 'quirks' and see more of who she is.   I accept her just the way she is.   Now that I'm not afraid of people (fear of people being one of my quirks/limitations back then), every one I meet is at the minimum a small adventure into humankind.  I've always known that we folk are more alike than we are different.  It's our differences that add the most texture to our encounters/relationships.  Odd how what was different used to be the scariest part for me and now I look for differences.  Does any of that make sense?

tt

[Redhead Erin]

I think getting to understand our strengths and weaknesses is part of personal growth and becoming who we are.

 For example, I used to think I was the greatest saleswoman on the face of the earth.  When I realized that other women were routinely outselling me at work, I had to reevaluate that idea, and I took some sales courses.  Now I am MUCH better at what I do, AND I still realize there is lots of room for improvement.  So I still work at it.

In another example, I have really severe limitations in some aspects of my marriage.  I tried for years to cope with things like jealousy, insecurity, trust, and similar things.  I spent hours and hours in therapy trying to overcome these issues.  I spent many nights crying over not being good enough/strong enough/brave enough/whatever.  I am 40 years old now.  I have been trying to deal with this stuff for more than 20 years.  Finally I said to my husband, this is the way it is with me.  I am stupid jealous and insecure.  I can deal with X behavior, but not with Y.  Z is grounds for divorce and it is non-negotiable.  If you can do A, B, and C for me, I will be a much happier camper. In short, I have given up trying to fight certain limitations.  Instead, I have changed the way I approached them and opened the door for discussion.  It was the hardest thing to admit these things to myself, and even more so to explain to my husband which specific behaviors of his would really hurt me.  But you know what? It was worth it.  I don't spend any time trying to be someone I just am not, and he understands where my boundaries and limitations really are, instead of where I wish they were.

But sometimes I hurt myself, too.  Trust does not come easily to me.  I use this as an excuse not to reach out to people I would like to have for friends.  I don't trust them; I don't trust my perceptions about whether they like me or are trustworthy or whatever.  So why bother? I never trust anybody anyway, so how will I be their friend?  I have been wrong so many times before, why should this be different?  In short, knowing I have trust issues gives me an excuse not to try having any friendships, because I will probably just mess it up anyway.

So I would say that understanding your own issues can be a very helpful thing, so long as you either try to better yourself or set realistic expectations for yourself and don't (like me) use it as an excuse to limit yourself.

[teartracks]

Ahhhhh, CB,

I hear you. 

I never dreamed I'd be here in this state of mind seven years ago when I was stuck in that knothole that simply wouldn't let me go.
Progress of any kind felt like an impossible dream.   I've learned to look toward the next eye openers, and they are always just around the corner if I slow down enough to them happen and remember not to struggle like an animal caught in a trap.  I hope no one interprets this to mean that a single moment of the process is easy.  It wasn't and won't be.  But I understand it a lot better.

Thanks for the tap.

tt

[Ami]

I think the hardest person to face is ourselves, especially when we had to take excessive shame on our backs in order to survive. It has always seemed "easier" for me to get you to like me so I could be OK.
 Of course, all the outward ways to heal the inner don't work .
So, again we are faced with the inner, at some point.
I hope to be able to accept my good and bad as just human. That would be an undoing of the perfection model I had to take on.
I bet it would be a tremendous freedom.      Ami