It's about time I posted an update...
CHANGE is the order of the day in my world, these days - in external circumstances, relationships, and my inner world. Not everything has changed; the "old stuff" still clutters the interior landscape of "me" - but now it appears in high contrast or relief as self-defeating or non-functional; it's all so clear - sometimes painfully so. That clarity is incredibly useful.
What the old stuff contrasts with, are a lot of new feelings, that previously I couldn't DARE to imagine or actually feel, for fear of the repercussions... of how someone else would feel about my feelings.
There is a lot to get caught up on, so I imagine this will take several "chapters" of posts. I am VERY busy these days, for someone who doesn't "work"! LOL!! It's a good type of busy... and yeah, I still overlay the old "have-to" resentment on it... but to a lesser degree. I catch myself and am able to choose to let it go...
It all started in our preparation to go to OBX (the Outer Banks, NC) for our usual vacation. This year was different 'coz we're finally able to realize our "dream" goal of buying property, "retiring", and moving there. This was our 3rd year in the same rental house - we're on good terms with the owners - so I abandoned my absurdly anal habit of using a spreadsheet to pack... and I worked to thin out the amount of stuff we took. It was STILL way too much - and most of it was once again unneeded/unused. For some reason that I still haven't sussed out, I get all bent out of shape and overly controlling when "packing". It might have something to do with my big move when I was Twiggy - and how some of my essential comfort items "disappeared" in that move. Things I "needed" that I didn't have later. (Unresolved emotional needs, too??????) So, this year, my strategy was to pack to truck the day before - by myself. We needed to get on the road - and down it - in a hurry so that we could meet up with the realtor that afternoon. There was still quite a bit to pack at the last minute... and I had only one "meltdown" - that evaporated quickly; as soon as I got into my seat. I didn't even do the last walk-through check to see if everything was ready to leave to my kitties for 2 weeks; I just checked the windows. (compromises...)
Everything worked out well. We got most of the stuff unloaded, Mike's daughter & grandson arrived in time to dog-sit, and then the realtor arrived and whisked us away to visit the house we'd pretty much decided was the one we wanted. We'd been in touch with her, since our last vacation a year ago and had used the online MLS listings to narrow down the houses and areas we were interested in. The online aerial mapping tools helped us learn a lot about topography, neighborhoods, etc. And we always came back to this one house - because the fundamental things of location, functional aspects of the house, items on our wishlist (like garages for Mike) and aesthetics, for me - were all there. We'd done our homework and tried to learn as much as possible about the properties we liked.
A week or so before, the pressure to make a commitment on this house started to increase. Whether it was a tactic to get us to buy, or if there was really that much competition for this property - I can't be sure. But I stood my ground and refused to commit until I had actually been there and seen it for myself. There were other properties I wanted to see, too. But "our" house, was the first one, of course. I was prepared to be disappointed; I braced myself for things that "weren't right"; I centered myself and brought my focus toward trying to find things about the house that I wouldn't "like" - or simply didn't feel right. I was totally EXCITED (there's a new feeling!) about finally seeing the house in person and I had high expectations.
From the time we turned into the driveway entrance... I was devoted to absorbing visual & spatial information. You know how, when you've spent all day at an art museum... only certain images remain in your mind? And you don't remember others that other people remember? That happened to Mike & me. I completely missed things about the house, like the washer/dryer. Mike missed other things. The house completely knocked our socks off. It was so much MORE than what we knew about it already... in layout, space usage, finishes, and details. It always looked "grand", without being "grandiose" in the pictures... but we were both overwhelmed by the elegance of it. It's a simple elegance - everything excellent materials - without being ostentatious. Enough storage for Mike's "stuff"... plenty of functional space for both of us to indulge our creativity... and still have a nice space to socialize with groups of people. A completely separate (2 bedroom) living space on the ground floor with complete kitchen and entrances; so if my MIL comes to stay - she'll basically have her own "house".
That first visit, my focus was on how it felt to me in the spaces. You step up from the foyer into the main living area, which extends from the front to the back of house - glass & views both sides. The ceilings are quite high - but the "footprint" of kitchen, dining, and great room was a comfortable, human scale. It felt intimate - but still large enough to have a good sized party without people bumping into each other. It didn't overwhelm... and the downstairs area is only slightly smaller. It feels "cozier", has a lower ceiling height (it's still 9 ft), but still has plenty room. It's quite light "downstairs", also - not like a basement; large windows out the back and a full glass door that opens the front to light. The bedrooms have nice sized windows.
There's a bit more land to the property than we have now... but it should require less maintenance than my current jumbled "cottage garden" style of planting.
We were whatever the opposite of disappointed is! Very impressed with the "intelligence" of the layout, storage and flow of the house... all the practical considerations were designed into it. It felt welcoming, human, and yet has an elegance about it... a confidence to it. Or maybe that was me... really accepting that I could, if I chose to, really buy this house.
We drove past the "next runner up" on our list on the way back to where we were staying; we had an appt to see it the next day and I was really eager to see this one - it was very different in "character", but still elegant and still met the majority of things on our list. We cancelled the appt after seeing it's situation: almost no yard at all and it was built in the lowest spot on 3 sides - any water would drain toward it to the creek behind, that drains into the sound. Someone chose a site for this pretty house, that shouldn't have been built on... on a barrier island. I was sad for the house... in another location I definitely would've considered it.
Tuesday - we looked at two very different kinds of houses, on the ocean side. Our thought was, OK... if we freak out on the cost of the one we really liked, we could buy a second home and either rent it or sell it later. The first one, looked very large online and much smaller in person. It's main drawback was a lack of parking space and garage (needed to keep the salt spray off the cars) and it's location on the only main road, north to south, with no traffic light. That would mean long waits for a break in weekend traffic (which is bumper to bumper in the summer). The second house, I liked. It was what I thought of as "beach house" - light, open, airy - and the artist/owner's quirky decorating style and the odd layout of rooms on the ground floor didn't detract from the overall sense of "being at the beach". It felt like a happy house. And from the top deck, you could see the ocean for miles north and south - the house is on a high part of the dune. But that's not a good thing, in hurricance force winds and the siding was old, wood, lap... which would require constant maintenance... not what Mike envisions filling his retirement time!
So that evening, we started the negotiations to buy house #1. This continued all the next day... and I was hampered by the fact that the realtor knew more about our approval for a mortgage than we did. We had not been given a set of numbers to work with; all I knew was a loan to value % and how much I could safely put down for a mortgage - and still pay taxes next year. Mike worked the spreadsheets and I made the decisions. I started to feel like I was playing high stakes poker push-hands... and the tension/anxiety pushed me right into an emotional "safe" zone... where even communicating with Mike was a challenge. I could hear his words, but I didn't know what they "meant" and he had to try to explain. But I stayed engaged and kept going. By that evening it all came down to a yes/no from me... and I said yes. We signed the contract and accepted 4th or 5th counter-offer.
Understand, I had just committed myself to a mortgage that was more than our combined net worth up until I inherited this estate. I had to manage all that fear... balance it with what I wanted (and this was the ONLY thing I could with any certainty say I really wanted for the last few years)... I had to stay present and engaged emotionally in the face of all the "old stuff"... the "I don't matter", "I don't deserve it", the identification of myself with a "low man on the totem pole" self-image... and still negotiate wisely. The final price was still at "fire sale" levels and I still had some more room to go up, if I needed to... but it must've been the right price, for the sellers, since they accepted, too.
And since then, I've been doing all the emotional processing. There simply wasn't any time to do it until we got home. But, I did allow myself a chance to sit on the deck that evening and watch the full harvest moon rise over the ocean... with my favorite libation... and enjoy the moment. And I realized that the date was exactly 1 year to the day, the exact day my Dad died a year ago. I was able to finally "let go" in pure gratitude for all the changes that have happened in that year - and that are still to come. At any point in the process, I simply could've given up... slinked off into my own doom-gloom denying myself what I want and coming up with a rationalization to justify giving up... but I didn't.
And that's a whole new universe for me... new thoughts, feelings, perspectives... and even though it's scary at times and I retreat to the old habits/routines... I see how easy it is to choose differently. And I've got a lot of new kinds of choices and decisions headed in my general direction.
More later.
