Author Topic: Discovering the big secret!  (Read 2124 times)

heehee

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Discovering the big secret!
« on: October 16, 2004, 06:17:25 AM »
I've got this need to get reaction to this situation...

My N mother has caused some great turmoil in my marriage due to her accusation (without proof) that my husband has been unfaithful.  Long story short...my H and I are fine.  However, I no longer speak to my parents (long story), but it gets juicier!

I uncovered a folder in my mother's office full of printed e-mail correspondence between her  and her high school sweetheart.  Every communication was printed.  There's mention of intimacy, and receipts from book orders on Amazon, titled, "Surviving Infidelity" and the like.  I don't think dad knows.  How ironic....My mother has been cheating on my doormat father, while she accused my husband of following in the same footsteps!  I'm interested in hearing some responses to what you would do, if anything, with this information?

Looking forward to hearing from anyone.  Thanks

Anonymous

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Discovering the big secret!
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2004, 08:34:33 AM »
Personally I would do nothing except keep it to myself. All actions have consequences and we are responsible for our actions.

Anonymous

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Discovering the big secret!
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2004, 08:47:29 AM »
Leave it alone if you're no longer talking to them anyway. It's their problem.
As for your own turmoil, that's between you and your husband.

bunny

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Discovering the big secret!
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2004, 12:02:46 PM »
If you don't speak to your parents, how did you find this folder in your mother's office?  Anyway, I would do nothing.

bunny

BlueTopaz

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Discovering the big secret!
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2004, 01:08:11 PM »
I would leave it alone, and get on with my life.  

Why become entangled with N parent again when you are already out of it?   And why in such a way (telling on affair) that would bring the full fury and wrath of N down upon you, and bring new, unrelenting (she wouldn't soon forget such a thing) chaos in your life?  

You might find the revenge of it, and delicious irony very tempting (don't know), but as someone mentioned already, each act carries its own consequences.   That means that the dynamics that are just between your mother and father will reflect what she has done.  

Your father may even already know in his heart.  If he is living with an N, he has already been treated poorly, and emotionally hurt in many ways.  

And if you confronted your mother, as N does no less than supremely, she would turn it all around on you, being the evil villan, and take zero responsibility for it.  There is an excellent chance that is why she projected the whole thing she was doing, onto you & your husband in the 1st place.  

So really, on every level, think "what good would come of it"?  Whether your motivation would be caring (i.e. for your dad), or an angry, vengeful one, it seems it would only result in more pain, hurt, and frusration for you in your life.

You say that things are fine between you & your husband at this point, so again, I'd leave well enough alone right now, and get on with my life that finally has some peace in it without crazy-making N...

One of the hardest and most frustating things with N's, is that there is seldom any satisfying validation and closure for their victims....    But, doing our best to heal and move on with our lives in peace (over time- it's not easy I know) can bring us our own closure...

Best of luck.

BT

heehee

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Discovering the big secret!
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2004, 06:48:11 PM »
Dear BT,

Not all that long ago I can to a peaceful decision regarding how to handle this situation.  Fortunately, every one who has responded so far, has chosen the same path that I chose for myself.  Your response had a profound affect on me because I felt as If your letters were coming out of my own mouth.  Your response was almost "verbatem" the explanation I have given to the few personal friends that know the whole situation.  This decision did not come easy for me.  My mother runs a successful business, that my husband and I both "worked" for.  I left earlier in the year because I couldn't take another minute seeing her daily.  Not to mention, the sheer entitlement the thought she deserved regarding the personal daily "whatever" that was going on with my own family.  Looking bad, of course I now realize it was just a final attempt at "control".  

I guess after I left the picture, she was a bit bent, and decided to strike back.  One month later, she fired my husband.  Not only fired, but he was given a legal seperation document restricting him from obtaining similiar work on the entire Eastern Seaboard for 2 years!  He was ushered out like a common criminal, was made to turn in his keys, and hand over his laptop!  Under regular circumstances this would be shocking.  But almost impossible to swallow since this was family!  She took away the financial stability of her daughter, son-in-law and 2 young grandchildren!

The reason I discovered the folder was quite a coincidence.  I stopped by my parents home and tried to open the garage door with the code that has worker for nearly 15 years, but this time....no luck.  No one was home at the time, and my first instinct was to call my brother and get help to get in.  My brother is the "golden" child, so he tries his best to stay neutral to all that has transpired.  (Weasel!)  By some sort of mirical...he knew of a new code that worked!  (Sooo surprising!)  He played dumb as to why the code had changed, and of course noone had informed me.  I took that as another sick move my parents directed upon me.  I was enraged at the time, and started to thumb through my mother's personal home office.  I know this was wrong, but I was truely searching for some kind of documentation regarding the firing of my husband.  Well...didn't find any paperwork on that subject, but found something even better!

Oddly enough, my reaction was laughter.  Sad, but true.  Almost as if, I wasn't surprised at all.  Instantaneously I was giddy thinking about how many ways I could screw her life, like she had just done to mine.  I thought about bribery and the sort.  It took some time to figure things out.  Isearched for answers from a higher level this time around.  I met with and spoke with many respected people within my religion.  I was already semi-sure how I wanted to react, but they sealed the deal for me.  There response was the same as yours.  They stated that if my mother was sick enough to do the damage she had already done, she would surely caused extreme havoc against me if I tried to screw with her "perfect" life.  Not too mention, what if anything positive could come of it?  I would be just as evil as her.  She decided she was going to intrude into my marriage and create havoc in my world.  And by revealing my mother, I would be doing just the same.  

Today, I am just as giddy with this secret.  I feel like no matter what transpires in the future..I'll always get a smile from this information.  I really sad for her and very sad for my father.  My birthday just passed last week and my father never even called to wish me a Happy Birthday.  That made a real statement.  It hurt, but I now understand that he has no other choice than to "back" my mother.  Whether he is in the dark about what's been going on or not...it wouldn't matter.  My father wouldn't survive without her.  I think of this and feel even more sad for him.  I finally got out of her grip, but my father, unfortunately, will more than likely never have that opportunity.  

I consider myself lucky!  I count my blessings each day, and pray for both of them.

Thanks for the responses!

StaceyLynn

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Discovering the big secret!
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2004, 07:52:48 PM »
Just want to apologize for all the typos!  I'm extremely tired.

BlueTopaz

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Discovering the big secret!
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2004, 08:54:23 PM »
StaceyLynn,

That is really quite a thing to have gone on, and then the finding.  I am so impressed by the very careful, and thoughtful way that you handled this!

Though I know it is not something for everyone, I am also touched that after all the hurt, you pray for your parents.  

After allllll the hurt, I also still pray for my XN dating partner.

BT

mattiedread

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If my Nmother made such an accusation...
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2004, 09:07:09 AM »
I would immediately think that it was her was having the affair (or her husband). That has always been the M.O. in my Nfamily... project the awful behavior onto someone else. Seems as if other people on this board have had similar experiences (transpose/project).