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misogyny?

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seeker:
Dear Neko and Nic,

Thank you thank you thank you for your intriguing replies!  

Nic, your insights on the boarding school experience is really interesting.  Having no sisters and having gone away to school, I know my dad missed out on family stuff and now I realize that that is one reason why he never entered his kids' "world".  He just never saw that himself.  He tried perhaps once a year.  Oh well.  

My brothers both suffered from my dad's Nness because my oldest brother was the first baby competitor to arrive on the scene.  He was pounded into submission which made him ripe for an N wife.  My other brother learned his lessons well and became a younger version of dad.  This served him in many ways: he is/was my mother's favorite (she would NEVER admit that because that would mean she isn't "fair" and therefore, not a "good" mom.)  My brother would never admit it because that would mean he had an advantage and the others would be compensated out of parental guilt.  He also had my dad to contend with as much as the rest of us.  And that never feels like an advantage  :wink:  What was weird growing up for me was that this brother would NEVER hear anything against mom and reported everything.  He could say whatever he wanted about anybody, but not hesitate to tattle on the others.  My other brother and I tacitly knew we were having the same experience...I'm still sorting it out.

Also, Nic, the catalyst for all the N fallout of my family was a sort of history-repeats-itself scenario: we all realized after a first adoption in our extended family by our highest profile N, that she wasn't up to the job.  She also expected us to carry the responsibility while she cashed in on the credit of her generosity.  The woman is the cheapest person to walk the planet since the "Witch of Wall Street".  But N paid good money for full-time daycare (she doesn't work) and told everyone she was going to be the "perfect mother".  We, of course, were major disappointments since we wouldn't sign up to babysit full time for free.  When she was ramming the decision to adopt another child down her husband throat, we all went running.  Except for my N dad who has all the answers (but won't admit that this is what happened to him...)   I have to admit it can be really entertaining to watch two Ns go at it.  :shock:

Neko, I felt like a met a soulmate when I read your post.  You are absolutely right on the mark to point out that both genders have their kinder representatives as well as their more forceful ones.  Like you, I'm pretty idealistic, too.  Or is it that ignorance is bliss?   :wink:   Just kidding.  If I didn't look for the good in everyone I would go crazy.  My brother would complain about how naive I was and talk in terms of "family politics" which I thought was so...cynical.  But now I really know what he's talking about  :shock: .  I was always a late bloomer  :wink:

As for mom, I'm just starting to figure her out.  She basically deferred to my dad in every way, but wasn't going to put up with any female competition because she got plenty growing up.  And I also have to say my mom is the one who is there for me emotionally most of the time, depending on the topic.  We're pretty close.  But as for key girl things, I had no one to talk to about boys, about fashion (that was a total bust), hygiene, etc.  And don't complain about the men!!  I got that message pretty loud and clear.  It was the "watch your back around the women" part I didn't get.  Huh?  The real eye-opener was the never-before-seen open jealousy during my wedding preparations.  Wow.  My mom's "competitive sister" side revealed itself when we all became adults and we all started to do well...I'll stop there.

My point is, I was totally unprepared for the open competition between girls and equally puzzled by how to connect.  I esp. feel it when I see two women paired up as best friends.  

I don't mean to sound like a victim, just trying to understand what's missing in me so I can make it better or accept how I am built.  Bt it does feel so good to get it out in the open with people who have also been there!  As I write this, I am feeling better about some fresh reminders of my deficiencies which happened just hours before.  

Anyway, I could go on--there is so much hooked on gender, Nness, and temperament.  I think they are all coming up because my kids are in a Catholic school which combines priests (male world) with school (female world.)  Yow.  Thanks again for these posts.  Best, S.

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