Mad

[Worn]

I feel like it's ok to be myself here.  I just want to vent, so here goes.


At 32 you'd think you'd allow me some privacy in my life.  If you want to know something about me, ask me.  I will choose whether or not I want to share that information with you.

You never did allow me any privacy.  My stuff was gone through all the time.  Doors were not allowed to be locked.  You got mad at ME if I found you searching my things. 

You say you don't understand why people have to have friends.  That doesn't mean you can go and try to destroy my friendships.  It just means you're screwed in the head.  Of course people need friends, if only to talk over how crazy their mother's make them. 

Don't play games to try and find out things about my life.  I can't confront you about you doing this because you will deny it happened or say it just wasn't a big deal.  I'm telling you now, it was a big deal to ME.  If I try to confront you and you deny it I will only become more angry.  I can't win with you.

I knew if I gave you a little bit of room back in my life the games would start eventually.  It took about a month.  That may be a record for your holding out. 

I've been thinking lately that I am slowly divorcing you emotionally.  This feels right to me.  I want out of the emotional relationship we have.  I don't want to be pulled and pushed by you every time I interact with you.  I really don't want to be around you at all. 

You gave me almost nothing I needed to succeed in life.  You took what I did have and smashed it.  I feel like I've been crippled by you. 

I am angry with you.  I hate what you did to me.  I hate what you are still doing to me.  I hate that part of me still wants a loving mommy.  You will never be that, I think you are not capable.

The thing is, you never gave a dam about me.  You only wanted control.  You wanted something to manipulate me with.  You wanted something to hold over me and make me cower.  You wanted to make me crawl and beg.  I did that, it killed part of me. 

I'm taking it back, I'm taking myself back.  You can't have me anymore.  I am my own.  Sharon

[BonesMS]

Hear!  Hear!!

Bones

[Ami]

Dear (((Sharon)))
 The NM's try to take our lives, every inch, every molecule and eat it  like Pac Man. You have every right to be angry. You were violated and our natural response is anger.
 Keep trusting yourself, Sharon.
 I know *I*can  feel guilt when I get angry at my M  but I should NOT. I hope you don't feel guilt but a sense of being connected to your true self. Keep sharing.Your anger is very valid!
                                    xxxooo   Ami

[Worn]

Thank you Bones and Ami.  It is a wonderful thing to have validation.  My T and I have been talking about how I handle anger.  My anger has always scared me.  Others anger has always scared me too.  I explained to a close friend that when nm got mad it was cut you mad or throw you down the stairs mad.  She never did this, but it seemed like her rage consumed her and she could have been capable of taking it to that level.  Watching people interact I have learned that anger is not normally that way. 

My own anger I keep a very tight lid on.  Unfortunately I've been keeping a lid on a madly boiling pot for way too long.  Pressure cooker style.  When I was younger this rage would eventually boil over and it just wasn't pretty lol.  I'm learning to express my anger, to look at my anger and analyze it.  Why am I angry?  Is this something I have a right to be angry about?  Is this about the person I'm angry at or is it something else?  Is the level of anger I'm feeling at this a rational level of anger or am I reacting to past circumstances?  Frankly its a pain in the butt. 

But really, this is an area I need to address.  I need to find peace and grow in this area.  So I'm gonna let myself get mad.  Righteous indignation.  I have the right and I definitely have the indignation.  Sharon

[Ami]

Feeling comfortable with anger is relaly ,really hard when you have an NM who made you feel like Atilla the Hun when you had even an annoyance. Anger was BAD, BAD, BAD.'
 It is a really hard climb up to be comfortable with any emotions, let alone the Big Kahuna --anger.
 I understand ,(((Sharon)) and am fighting right along side you to find my true self and feel at peace with it!    xxoo Ami

[Worn]

Yep Ami, you hit it on the head.  Anger was BAD!!!  Nm was the only one allowed to have emotions in the house.  That was her domain.  Mine was to be meek and mild and let her do as she pleased. 

I'm finding that the more I just let myself feel my anger, to just let myself be angry and be ok with that, the easier I feel inside myself.  I feel stronger for having let out some of my anger.  Is all this anger inside me keeping me weak?  Because I do feel very weak.  Like I have no will. 

We were studying Erickson's stages of development in class tonight.  My nm screwed me on every stage completely until I got to school years and got some positive support from teachers.  Mistrust, shame, doubt, guilt, and inferiority were all given to me by nm.  She made sure I received these precious gifts of hers.  And guess what...that makes me mad!

Ok, I'm having a little bit of fun with this, but that's ok too.  I'm sure you're familiar with the double entendre of the word mad.  Well I'm mad as hell! 

Thanks for listening, Sharon