Going to be living in NM's house for 9 days in a few weeks.....

[nolongeraslave]

I'm trying to stay strong, but it has been HORRIBLE. I'm sorry for not being too active on this board, b/c I just want to shut down.  I don't know what's going to happen at NM's house when I see her.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I can already hear her voice "Oh my god, you have a pimple! Why aren't you taking care of your skin? You need to lose 10 lbs! Why are you wearing that yucky shirt? You look like you just got out of bed!"   I feel hideous right now and don't want anyone to see me.  All of my body dysmorphic disorder obsessions and thoughts are coming back to me.  I'm trying to lose weight, but I ended up over-eating.  I just can't do it.  Eating unhealthy food makes it easier to deal with NM.  When I try to lose weight, I can hear NM's voice saying "Does it actually help? Are you trying hard enough?"


My brother is getting married, so it's not like I can avoid NM.  I'm worried about looking fat in photos. I'm worried about my NM and her friends talking about how I wasn't as pretty as I used to be. I'm worried about breaking into tears in public just b/c I can't stand to look at NM's face.

A part of me knows that these thoughts have no substance, BUT they feel very real.   Being around NM makes me feel like shit. Being away from her makes me feel like a worthy human being.   

I've tried every healthy coping skill in the book, and it's not working. It's just one of those periods in my life where unhealthy coping skills (drinking ,sleeping too much, eating) make it easier to deal with my emotions.I feel like I'm about to fight in a war honestly. You can't drink a cup of tea or listen to music when you're in war. You got to do whatever it takes to survive, and the only thing that can help you survive may be something self-destructive.

The good thing is that it will only be temporary(that seems like forever), and I will be back in my peaceful apt. once again. Simply preparing for that 9 day stay is scary.

[Ami]

Hi Friend
 Sometimes you do have to do things like over-eat, over shop etc to "get through the night", so to speak.
 I feel that being with the NM IS a war cuz they make everything competitive .
 Since they don't have empathy, they can run all over you and not feel a thing i.e. like common regard for another human being.
 It is how they are. It is not your fault even though it  feels that way,very often.      xxoo  Ami

[nolongeraslave]

I do feel a lot better, and the healthy coping skills are working now...I talked to my therapist, ate a healthy dinner (that gives you a permanent "feel good" effect), and took a walk on the beach.

I feel so much relaxed..thank goodness.  My NM called, and I was fine talking to her...which is weird (numbing).  Maybe it's better to let out these feelings NOW than to act anxious and tearful at the wedding! My body is just scared and preparing for possible danger.

[Hopalong]

GOOD choices: nourishing food, exercise, talk w/ T.

Good to hear, NLAS...

Do you have the option of staying elsewhere?

Hops

[nolongeraslave]

Hopalong,

No, it's not an option. I moved away last year, and my NM STILL hasn't  gotten over that (she will always try to get me to move back). There's no way in hell that she can handle me staying somewhere else when in town.  That would be world war 3. This lady is so cunning that she can get other people to gang up on me and get me to stay with her. 

At least I'm doing better than her..she's not happy in her life anyway. Maybe I can look at her as some comical character.

My T has an NM mom too, and she's in contact with her. She agrees that there's not much you can do about them, except to keep yourself away and safe as possible.

[nolongeraslave]

I'm trapped in f*cking purgatory, but what can I do? It's only been 3 days here. 

I don't know where to begin, but I'm better at handling at some of her crap.  Her mean comments are easier to let go of (like her criticizing my pimples, weight and choice of friends), but her voice seriously feels like a needle being stuck in my eye.  Even if she's acting normal, just hearing her voice is UGGHHHH.

She's acting narcissistic in front of others, which can be a good thing. Other people will now know what kind of a person is. She's so desperate to control me that she can't even hide it in public anymore. A couple of my mom's friends told me, "You must love being on your own!" Yep. They can see how my mom is. The misery and helplessness reeks in my face for crying out loud when I'm around that lady.

I feel terrible for my sister-in-law, as my mom is grooming her and pimping her for years of abuse to come.  My sister-in-law is so obedient and people-pleasing...she won't even realize that she's being manipulated and abused. My mom publicly announced, "My daughter in law gained 10 lbs!" in front of a bunch of people......how embarrassing! My sister in law just sat there and didn't say anything, b/c she probably felt that she just had to take it.  

Next week..I will be out anyway. 

The good news is that my NM CAN sense that I won't take her shit anymore. She even asked, "You used to be so sweet (submissive)..What happened to you? You're talking back and acting smart now?" 

[Hopalong]

NLAS, this is a watermark kind of thing, isn't it?
You're seeing how much farther along you've come in your ability to be detached and stay unhooked.
You might even be practicing assertiveness!

It must be draining, but it's great to hear how clearly you're thinking about the patterns.

Maybe when you leave, you could simply slip a copy of a good summary of NPD to your SIL?

Hang in there, take a lot of walks...you're doing fine.

Your Nother will try to escalate everything but that doesn't work when her target stays strong, centered, self-respecting...

Hops

[Ami]

Dear (((NLAS)))
 i think you should use the Board as a sanity place. You sound strong and confident in your emotions and perceptions, now, but N's have a way of slowly boring a hole through you until you are Swiss cheese. Keep writing and sharing.
I wish I knew about N when I was younger, before marriage and life mistakes.
You have a valuable tool in knowing what you are dealing with. You are not alone cuz we get it, on the Board. Your M is getting that you are different. Keep up the strength, Sweetie!              xxoo  Ami

[bearwithme]

The good news is that my NM CAN sense that I won't take her shit anymore. She even asked, "You used to be so sweet (submissive)..What happened to you? You're talking back and acting smart now?"   

Nolongeraslave: I'm so in the same boat as you.  Whenever I stand up to my NM she literally thinks something is wrong with me.  I used to be so sweet to her and lie down and take her crap and abuse but now I have boundaries.  Once when she was making snide comments to me left and right during one of her visits, I flat out told her she was rude and hurtful and gave her instructions not to say such mean things in my house whether they were about me or about my dad's wife, etc.  My NM laughed and said, "Wow, you're in a bad mood! Don't be so sensitive...is something wrong with you today?"  She then told my cousins that she thought I had problems and that I lashed out at her for no reason and went psychotic.  On her next visit she actually brought me these little books on life, i.e. "100 ways to relax" "How To Appreciate The Gifts of Life"  "100 Calming Things To Do Everyday."  She told me to get help for my problems.

I'm so sorry you have to endure your NM for 9 days.  My NM is coming for a visit in 1 week!!  I'm dreading it as well!!  I'll need all the help that I can get.

You did a great job.

Bear

[nolongeraslave]

Thanks for the support, everyone.

It has calmed down now (don't know how long that will last though!). NM was okay yesterday and today.  She did make some comments about my skin, but it didn't bother me this time.

Maybe it was good to let those feelings out, but I now feel GUILTY for writing my previous posts.  It's an old DONM trait, I know...but maybe that's just my way of getting used to being in this house again. I hope NM doesn't find out that I wrote that about her, haha.