N Suppliers, N Deniers

[Anonymous]

Well, she is a single mom now, daughter at UofT, so she decided to live her own life, and here she is bag and baggage, moving this week, five minutes away...and very needy (but needy because of her constantly poor decisions, trying to live on alimony instead of working to support herself, etc.).  I tried to be helpful when she came and stayed for days at a time, house hunting all summer, and dH and I noticed that she never lifted a finger.  At first, it was understandable b/c she was making a huge life change, but now we notice that she feels entitled to be treated like a Queen.  H and I have worked our butts off for every thing we have, and she wants to ride our coat-tails.  My dear H says : 'How did we end up with another N in our lives, as if NM wasn't enough?'  She says I am her best friend, and the only one she has -  no pressure there!?  (small family, all out West)

You've outgrown this woman. You don't have time to babysit this lazy individual. She will sponge off of you as long as you allow it. If you don't allow it, she'll find another sponge. Maybe she'll move again, where there is another spongeworthy person. But don't let it be you. I would say buh-bye to this so-called "friend" as she has nothing to offer but botheration. With friends like her, who needs enemies???

bunny

[OnlyMe]

Instead of the Red Hat Society, we'll be the Red Scarf Society!!   Voiceless Wonders!

Well, I tried my voice tonight with NM, while wearing a red turtleneck.  
Long story short : My dad, an artist, left me his paintings in his Will this summer, and I left them hanging on the walls on the house where NM still lives. NM tried to make prints, sell them, etc. until I had Dad's lawyer contact her to tell her to leave them alone.  Tonite she called to say she has wrapped one of the paintings in paper as her gift to a gentlemen she knows, as a retirement gift.  Instead of just staying quiet, I found myself reminding her that the art is not hers to give, that it is my decision, etc etc and we locked horns    (got a fleeting flash of the devil just now)  .  It became quite nasty, she became quite nasty.  She tried to twist words every which way, but I stood my ground, voice firm but getting louder and clearer.   I think I surprised her.   She finally stopped, and assured me she will wait until the next time I visit, and we both will give that man a painting that *I* am prepared to give away.  Then her crocodile tears started - this woman didn't even cry when NDad died, and never cries, so I know they were fake, but I stood my ground.  My cheeks are burning, my tummy is upset, but gee whiz, I'm proud of myself at the moment.  
Of course, I know she'll come up with some way to get back at me, inflict pain so I'll be prepared for anything, but right now, I feel Good.

*and bunny, once again, you see the situations so clearly!  
.."You've outgrown this woman"..  - that's IT exactly, well said.  
Buh-Bye Botheration!

Don't know how I struggled along before I found you all - whew!

~I've come such a long, long way, but still have a long way to go!~

[Anonymous]

OnlyMe,

You did a fantastic job standing your ground.    It may be time to remove the paintings from her walls before she starts giving them away without prior warning. Keep up the good work!

bunny

[Discounted Girl]

Well OM --- good for you. I wish I had stood up to the NQueenmother that way, instead of being a wimp. I have since removed the "I am a doormat" sign from my back, but my brother (the one without the jingle jangles) and his greedy wife have taken over and I got/get zilch from my parents' estate. Their greed runs so very deep, and I now realize the 3 of them teamed up against my Dad in his final years. But, my broken heart would not let me be objective enough to see it.

Anyhow, on that red scarf (I do hope it's cashmere) -- be careful not to let it trail on the floor when next you visit mother dear. You wouldn't want her to trip over it.  

[les]

I'm cheering here in TO Only Me! Can you hear me!  Imagine what you could do if you were dressed entirely in red!  I'm sure you surprised her! This sounds like another signifigant step OM.

 I took another step myself today. For years my mother has used the poor abandoned me approach often saying that she will have to hire some "companions." Usually after she works that idea around she says cheerily, "Perhaps I could pay you to visit me." Well today when she started in about the "companions" I said, "Great idea!" Boy that felt good. I didn't take the bait. (just BTW - this woman does more things in a week then people 20years younger) Once a week is my limit and I'm sticking to it!

red cashmere scarf, mmmm, hope you get yourself one Discounted Girl.

Les

[OnlyMe]

Thank you for your support, Les, Discounted Girl and bunny.

Yes, Les, I can hear you!!!  Congrats and pompoms on your reply to the Companion comment!  I'll tuck that one in the back of my brain, for the day my NM tries that tactic.  Another Cue Card     I need Affirmations Cue Cards and Snappy Retorts Cue Cards!
Once again it sounds like we share a NM - mine can run rings around me, entertains, has people for dinner every week, or bridge and dessert, all sorts of things, and is always going somewhere, every day, all dolled up!   What drives these old girls?!!  I think mine equates being busy with being important.

Re: NDad's paintings - even knowing as much as I do about NPD, it still amazes me that I cannot trust my NM at all.  Part of me still wants to think of her as a "Mother", I guess - but I realize, now, that her word means nothing.  I cannot trust her with anything that belongs to me, and certainly not my heart.  

(oh, and It's just a little square silk scarf, but the red seems to work!
And I gave ND a red cashmere scarf a few years ago, and it's in the box of stuff I brought home with me - well, there's no stopping me now!)