Obsessing over people who don't get the situation

[nolongeraslave]

My natural instinct is to worry about what invalidating people will say. I don't know if that's a DONM survival thing.  While I'm working to get over NM, mean comments from other people still stick in my head and cause me to self-blame.  

I spent a year or two on yahoo answers (when I was 24-25), and felt re-victimized again. People told me that my mom had the right to control me since I was living under her roof, how I'm too old to be living with her, how I'm lazy, how I'm a bad person for letting my step-dad offer financial help, how I "play victim", how I would be the laughingstock of the town if I reported rape...all kinds of bizarre things.  I was dumb enough to believe these people on yahoo, and it made me do self-destructive things. I have credit card debt to pay off, b/c I thought that my mom wouldn't abuse me if I paid for my own stuff (WRONG). After all, that's the advice that people on yahoo answers gave.  NM will still try to abuse you as long as she's alive, so that doesn't work.  All what I'm left with is paying that debt off and still having to endure NM's constant calling about my weight and hearing her guilt-ridden voicemail messages.  I get mad at myself for listening to those strangers on yahoo.

Is the real world like this? I haven't told anyone in Boston (where I live now) about my old life.....part of it is fear that people will say mean things. Only my therapist (who has a N mom) knows. Does it make sense to still obsess over what people say on yahoo answers? It's almost like PTSD all over again. I felt like I had to explain my situation to people on yahoo, and they didn't understand. They made me feel like I was too weak and that something is wrong with me if I can't say no.   I wish I could make people understand that there's no way out from my NM.  Even if I lived in the same state, she would still be intrusive (trying to find ways to break in my place, spying on me, getting others to spy on me, etc).That's why I had to wait to finish graduate school and get a out of state job offer.  I feel like people blame me that I should have gotten away from NM quicker.  I hate all of this "Once you're 18, your parents can't control you" BS. Some parents don't care.

[nolongeraslave]

There's one comment that sticks out of my head

"Dont expect people to give you sympathy b/c you're staying with your abusive parents".  I'm sorry, but these people make me want to run a bus over them.

I tried several times to get away from NM, but I learned that the ONLY successful way was to get my degree, move out of state and save up money for the long-term.   I had no other choice but to just stay with NM, until I reached my goals.   Mind you, I did have things that helped like therapy and reminding myself that I won't be with NM forever.

I'm just so glad that I have this place where people understand. Being re-victimized when you're reaching out of help sucks. 

[bearwithme]

  I was dumb enough to believe these people on yahoo  

NLAS:  Although you are not "dumb" you're answer is in what you write.  You know these people were ignorant of the situation and you believed them anyway because that is what you were taught from you NM.  Deep inside you knew better but you couldn't get their hurtful words out of you mind.  Much like the way your NM treats you.  Your NM probably made you feel "not good enough" or always lacking in something, therefore, you had no tools to deal with hurt feelings or how to dismiss those who do us wrong.  It's like we cling to their every word especially when they're negative or detrimental to our egos.  It hurts us and pierces our hearts to the core.

Unfortunately, the people on your yahoo board are a good example of people everywhere.  Millions of people are like that in this world and it's a sad fact.  You may like to be at a place like this one that is "specialized" and hones in on the real problem: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the people left in its destructive wake = us.  It seems your yahoo board isn't that specialized and includes too many people with totally different sets of problems and they can't relate or even fathom what you are going through.  We do!!  You are voiceless there but not here.

I also obsess over people who tell me mean things but I'm getting better at it. I learn about myself each and every time someone shoots me with a denigrating arrow, or two.  I learn who I am and where I am going, or at least where I DON'T want to go--with them.  

You NM will never stop abusing you. I am 42 and still suffering my NM's abuse and I live 500 miles away.  They never change.  They may get older and slower, but their incessant narcissism will never go away until they do and from what I've heard, even when they die, your old wounds can still open up.

So please don't believe anyone's advice who doesn't try to understand your situation or can't relate.  Leave that all up to your therapist, that's what they are for.  I'm not giving you advice either, just support and I believe that most, if not all, of us can relate to your dealings with your NM.

You're a good person and deserving of being heard and validated no matter what.

Bear

[Ami]

Dear NLAS
 You can be re-victimized anywhere. Some people like to hurt us cuz our issues make them feel weak and afraid or just cuz they want to bully.
 You are doing so well. I am so proud of you.
  xxxooo  Ami
 

 

[Izzy_*now*]

I agree  with bear on this:

It seems your yahoo board isn't that specialized and includes too many people with totally different sets of problems and they can't relate or even fathom what you are going through.  We do!!  You are voiceless there but not here.

The operative word is 'specialized'. I believe there are many people who have no idea what Narcissism is. This expression goes away back when I was learning about N-ism, that you might as well try to reach a blind person how to differentiate the colours. The words just aren't there for someone who just cannot understand.

Let's say we live in Reality A and those who don't know are in Reality B. Only people in Reality A can understand her peers and those in Reality B will respond in a far different way to Reality A's problem. Under so-called normal circumstances, a 'child' of 20 living in the parents house is responsible to the parents, and is expected to be respectful of the house rules, as well as the parents treating the 'child' with respect, as well as an adult when the time comes.

A family that can live in harmony like that is lucky, and following the Golden Rule ought to work!

However Ns cannot, when it is all one-sided in favour of the N's supposed happiness, sense of control.

I wouldn't obsess over the yahoos, as they will never understand until they experience this and can put all the pieces together.
I was 63 when I learned about N-ism and it was a jaw-dropping discovery that forced me to re-examine my whole life!

[nolongeraslave]

Thanks for the replies. I know I shouldn't obsess, but the "effect" of people's words don't last as long as they used to.

I was hanging out with my friends tonight, and they were bashing on McKenzie Phillips out of nowhere. Hello, how come nobody talked shit about her dad? They said she was crazy for going on TV, doing LSD at 11, and mocking her on how she didn't know it was wrong.  The topic changed eventually, but their words stuck in my mind.

I kept quiet, b/c I figured they wouldn't understand if I explained anyway. I can't blame these people for not knowing about trauma, but I felt like I didn't want to see my friends after they made that comment. Then again, that's the unrealistic thing to do.

Any thoughts on that?Do you sometimes just want to shut away and only be with people who understand?

[Twoapenny]

Hi NLS,

I do shut myself away and only spend time with people who understand!  Look at it another way - you've had an accident and sprained your wrist.  You have two groups of friends - one who carries things for you, checks that you're okay and who makes other people aware that you have a bad wrist - and another group who keep grabbing your bad arm, slapping it, throwing objects at it and telling people you're only pretending you sprained it.  Which one do you want to spend time with?

I had to really re-teach myself to monitor the way other people made me feel and to work out why that was.  I also had to work on my own belief system - it wasn't until I believed I'd been raised in an abusive home that I was able to (1) not need other people's validation about it and (2) only be around people who made me feel good about myself.

It's a long road and a long process but you'll get there eventually - although it can be very bumpy on the way

[Ami]

Thanks for the replies. I know I shouldn't obsess, but the "effect" of people's words don't last as long as they used to.

I was hanging out with my friends tonight, and they were bashing on McKenzie Phillips out of nowhere. Hello, how come nobody talked shit about her dad? They said she was crazy for going on TV, doing LSD at 11, and mocking her on how she didn't know it was wrong.  The topic changed eventually, but their words stuck in my mind.

I kept quiet, b/c I figured they wouldn't understand if I explained anyway. I can't blame these people for not knowing about trauma, but I felt like I didn't want to see my friends after they made that comment. Then again, that's the unrealistic thing to do.

Any thoughts on that?Do you sometimes just want to shut away and only be with people who understand?

It is funny you say that (((NLAS)))). I found a singer on U Tube whom I love---Amy Winehouse. She had drug troubles and you would not believe the comments ragging on her. I think people like to hurt other people cuz it makes people with an inferiority complex  feel superior.      Ami

[Sealynx]

I think there are many reasons why people spend time posting on "open" non-dedicated boards. Some people are bored, others like to help people and still others have an axe to grind and are just "lurking" ready to spring on anyone who violates one of their assumptions about life in order to "show them the way."

Support boards such as this usually share a common understanding. For one thing, most of us have dealt with is some level of feeling "inadequate" to handle the world. This can translate into difficulty making most transitions in life. These are not things you can discuss with someone to whom basic life skills were well taught so that they now feel natural. This is especially true of those who feel they aren't getting paid enough for what they do, which is most people. They can see anyone who isn't out there killing themselves as lazy and self-indulgent.

[bean j]

I've learned that the onlu authority on my life is me.  Also, the only one with "the answer" or any answers that make sense, is me.  I've learned to llok at advice as coming from someone else's agenda.  Still welcome hearing it, but I often will do the exact opposite if I can examine the others' motives and see what I dislike about their method of coping or relating to others in the world, in this way even bad advice becomes helpful.  I gotta do what's best for me  Doesn't mean I won't complain, I just find that less and less I'm being tempted to blame anyone for my predicament.  This is just where I'm at and there's some reason for it - I say to myself.

[gratitude28]

Nolonger,
You were smart to look at the big pictre - to set a real escape route for yourself. Those who blamed you for staying at home no doubt had their own issues to work through. Often people call out others on what bothers them most about themselves. I agree with bean, too, that the only one who can know the situation and appreciate all the awfulness of it is you. You can explain or complain, but others will not understand. Often I think they don't want to because it is uncomfortable. I mostly keep my situation to myself now, although I do get so frustrated when NM seems to pull one over on people and make it seem she is sweet and kind. I think, in the end, people see through her. And I try to be the best person I can be.
(((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))
You are doing it all right Keep on keeping on.
Love, Beth

[JudyK]

 I understand you, totally.  It is so unnerving to be invalidated by people. My two "best" friends of over 35 years did this to me. I thought they would at least side with me, not my NM.  But because they knew only her public personna lo thes many years, they couldn't seem to grasp what my NM is really like.
 I don't say too much to them about it, anymore.  It is too upsetting for me.
 I, too, have such a need to explain my situation. I guess, for me, it is wanting so desperately, to have approval for how I feel about my NM. She was so subtle, I really thought, all these years, it was MY fault.  I guess that's why therapy and talking to others online, who have similar issues is so important to me now.