The shame of dysfunctional darkness

[Gabben]

For the last two years I have been hiding myself away in my bathroom, for long hours of the day, smoking in the darkness with the only lighting a candle.

The darkness represents shame for me.

The bathroom represents a safe place out of this world where I can be safe.

The two combined represent my sanctuary of dysfunction, the dysfunction of going into my mind as a child, seeking refuge from the pain of my day to day struggles growing up in a home without much emotional comfort as well as the pain of repeated trauma, unvalidated trauma and the huge need that grew in me to have a safe place.

My mind as a child was that safe place, it was my sanctuary because there was no place where I could run or go to be safe, except my mind.


I realized this AM that I have intense shame over my ways of coping, that I beat myself up unmercifully for having to hide away, for having anxiety for experiencing depression over the stuffed anger that I had to stuff in order to just survive.

Over the last few years much as healed, but I am still stubbornly putting myself away in the safe place of my bathroom reaching for the self destructive comfort that smoking is. I have seen the layers of wounding that perpetuate the behavior, I have seen what drives the behavior, but I still cling to it and I still live in fear and shame.

The fear and shame are up for me. It is as if I am screaming inside for someone to not make me wrong for the ways that I cope. For the shame of how I cope keeps me coping in the same way, it is a prison. I am screaming inside for someone to validate all the pain that I went through and instead say something in deep compassion as...."if I had to survive that I too would run into a hole in the wall, a dark corner of this word to be safe." Especially since I ran to a parish, a faith, and although I know the faith is a safe place, my interior castle that at times I have found within, a functional place, I have found that the world outside of me, even my parish, can hold no safety, unless I increase my interior castle, increase my faith and lesson my fears.

It really is about overcoming what is inside myself in order to overcome what is out in the world, but I am SO hard on myself as I have felt the world SO hard on me, at times.

What I really need is to love myself, even in my dysfunctional darkness of running. To stop beating myself up for it and to fully allow what needs to surface about my belief in my"badness" to see the lies that I still believe and run from.

Oh how I want to be free of myself, and my own dysfunction, my own lies. It is still about victimization.

[Ami]

It is NOT a pity party. It is accepting reality and you are very,very, brave to do it. As Ray says that *I* am so much stronger than HE is cuz I survived Hell.He had love and support so he is stable. I am a mess.
 I hide in bathrooms,too!
 I never heard anyone say that. Bathrooms are safe places.
 Our paths are different ,Lise. That is why we are so close to God and sold out to God. We had to be.
 The road is narrow and we are on it.
 Keep sharing the shame. I felt stupid  and vulnerable writing this thread. It feels scary to show the shame but we must.
 I love and honor you ((((Lise)))) x o x o   Ami

[Gabben]

One of the wounds that I carry is the affliction of having an N counselor who in the last few years that went on a hogwild slander spree of me within my faith community, pointing the finger at my dysfunction and past life of  childhood abuses and more, even if she was doing it in acting compassion, pity, or fake love, it was done.

It still haunts me, the ways that while truly coping, reaching for faith and truth, seeking to heal by self revealing honesty and grace, the ways this counselor hogwild but covert style went after me. It stirs instense shame and confusion and has been another driving force in pushing  me into the darkness, another pain to overcome while overcoming.

I am trying to let her lies go, let them just be the lies that they were, to see past them. This counselor made me feel bad for having pain, when in counseling sessions I would feel ashamed for speaking about my history, as if it was wrong or that I was unfixable because her head would go all the way down out of eye contact and she would just get silent, it was always so confusing. For so long I thought and rationalized that her silence and head putting down was her intense compassion, that she was just showing me that no words could be said in the face of the stories of pain I was sharing. But I could not make sense of what my belly would say, how her silence and her real inability to transmit or convey silent compassion would actually shut me down emotionally rather than help get the tears out that I was seeking to get out, those cleansing healing tears.

When I would leave our sessions I would be confusion and what seemed more in denial, without much direction to go in.  No other counselor was ever like that to me, especially when I was trying to share my feelings of past pains, trying to heal, I could feel other therapists compassion, their hearts, I could cry in their presence, feeling safe. I could never feel that way with her, it was confusing, there seemed nothing in her heart, but her act was so good, that I had to just believe she had a heart.

Also, the times when I was angry at my father for abandoning, she would look at me with intense fear and somehow convey that my anger was wrong. When I would try to talk to her about my anger issues it was if I was being bad, being bad for even having the emotion. I would feel even more ashamed for being wounded. That is how I feel now, again.

Her way of treating me in the last many years as unfixable and broken perpetuate the belief that I am broken beyond repair. She made me feel that God only reserves grace for those He loves and that I was too messed up for His healing love and grace.

I am still trying to mend the damage that a N counselor did, the lies that so wounded me when I was already so down but trying so hard, with all my heart, to be lifted up by God's healing grace.

[Gabben]

I hide in bathrooms,too!
 

Thank you for saying this Ami, people who were loved in childhood can never fully comprehend our pain, unless they have a degree in psychology and a deeply compassionate heart, if they too have suffered. Then perhaps they can understand without so much judgement and blaming us for our dysfunction, but rather understanding that there were times in life where we just felt that there was NO where to go, we could not go into our pain for it was unsafe, we could not go into the truth for it was unsafe, we could not anywhere but into dysfunction, for is was the safe refuge, if only for then. Now I am really seeking to get out of the dysfunction, for I need to believe that it is no longer needed, it is only now hurting me as I was hurt as a child.

[Ami]

Dear Lise
 People hassle me about not finding a therapist but I have been burned so many times that it is NOT for me.You trusted s/one who was in disguise like my NM is. You all know she is a therapist.
 People GO to her.
 I know the hardest thing is not to believe the therapist. You are throwing yourself away in the same way we threw ourselves away with our NMs.
 That is really what you are saying, I think. You wonder IF ,perhaps, she is right .
 I still think that my M was right and I AM bad . It is going a little though.
   x o x Ami

[Gabben]

You wonder IF ,perhaps, she is right .

Oh what a God send you are.

I was literally just thinking that perhaps the N counselor is right. I was reflecting back to our sessions, in rigorous honesty, looking at myself and where I was coming from in my work with her. Questioning myself and seeing how messed up I was and have been. Thinking that what she saw-- just how messed up I was, because there was truth to that, I was messed up.

But at the time I was seeking her help I was being really self effacing honest, I had to be, I was in a desperate battle, having tried to commit suicide earlier that year and having been swamped in addiction of drinking; I had to be honest, to get the pain of my abortions which eventually set me free to get
sober again.

When I ask myself, in all complete honesty, was I doing something wrong by seeking her compassion, seeking validation for a lifetime of wounds that were surfacing for me after I returned to the church, I realize that I was not wrong. There is nothing wrong with seeking compassion when we are hurt and hurting, that is partly why we seek out therapists, at least for me. The other reason that I seek out therapists was and is so that I can LOOK at my bad and ugly, that I can SEE truth, no matter what that truth was, so that I can be free of my dysfunctional behavior and sin. That was my goal with her, but it seemed that no matter what I ever said to her, no matter what, she always, and I mean always distrusted me, as if she was projecting her own lies and deceit onto me, her inability to be honest, in any capacity. She found the most honest person around to turn into the least honest, exactly what projection does.

I really need to get clear on this so that I can move past her, many people in the faith community are fooled, really fooled by her and believe her to be the saintly love and compassion that she wants others to believe she is, that is a huge form of invalidation and gets me all tied up in confusion all over again, God is helping me, you are helping me.

I must get free from her for once and for all, to never let her in my realm, world or heart ever again. It is the only way that I will heal my past, if I keep on thinking that I was bad and at fault then it will just serve to push me into my darkness, all over again.

[Gabben]

The sinking belief of being bad is still up for me. Last week I felt a mild release, I felt through introspection some clarity around my behavior. But like with most old buried stories, it takes a while, a full while for the whole of the story to work it's way out of me.

Pain. I was in so much pain as a young girl of 4, being left at strangers, being dumped by my mom. The pain was excruciating, it has been and at times still is. Rarely have I ever met anyone in life who too had been abandoned AND was too working through the pain as to go in and out the other side. It is so dark, it is terrifying and very hard.
 

The pain that I felt as a child for being abandoned I identified it with myself, as if I WAS the pain. The pain is up for me again, this time it is the pain of believing that I was bad, it permeates me, it floods me, it overwhelms me, as if it was me. It sits in  my chest, in my belly, in my body. I feel bad, but not to the core of my being, just bad as an old belief that is seeping it's way out of me so that dysfunction can leave me, the dysfunction of acting bad, acting out the repressed memory of being bad, bad for having pain and bad for just being. Lies, I hope? I feel so bad, so afraid for being bad and so afraid of abandonment.

Ugh...more dark tunnels more healing, I feel bad for even that, but better embrace my suffering than to be doing a lot of other things that I could be doing.

I finally ate, not very healthy, but some food, now I feel that I can sleep a bit.

[Ami]

Keep writing (((Lise)))
 I want to hear it all!
 The BAD has a life of its own. It resists and hangs on to us for dear life. We know it is not true --with our heads but not our hearts.
  In our hearts, we wonder if we really ARE bad and we don't want anyone to see and hurt us again.
  That is the vicious cycle.
  I am trying to be more real in 3D and see what happens. I feel more human and less bad but sometimes I feel all bad again, too
  Then, I just figure I will die screwed up and so be it. I will be with God. Scott died screwed up but the angels took him up and he is whole now!
   Love you,   Ami

[Gabben]

Keep writing (((Lise)))
 I want to hear it all!
 The BAD has a life of its own. It resists and hangs on to us for dear life. We know it is not true --with our heads but not our hearts.
  In our hearts, we wonder if we really ARE bad and we don't want anyone to see and hurt us again.
  That is the vicious cycle.
  I am trying to be more real in 3D and see what happens. I feel more human and less bad but sometimes I feel all bad again, too
  Then, I just figure I will die screwed up and so be it. I will be with God. Scott died screwed up but the angels took him up and he is whole now!
   Love you,   Ami

"The BAD has a life of its own. It resists and hangs on to us for dear life."

I think that people who have not done or gone through as much as we have gone through do not understand the recycles and over again and repeat of what we say and go through about our pain. It must seem to others that we are just going in and out of the same thing, our pain, seeking and seeking some pity or attention, rather than realizing that our little lives were raised and lived in a home without love, but more abuse and evil that was day in and day out, year after years, trauma after trauma. That is why we go in and out and through our pain over and over again. But we do get better, we do.

The pain can seem to actually get worse and worse the more you cycle back into the core of your being, the deeper you go, the needs can seem more and more intense the more you get into your core because our cores were the little babies we were and our needs were big and intense. It is a swim back up stream that is violent, horrendous and harsh, at times, and sometimes if feels life threatening, it is battle.
This afternoon I slept more soundly that I have for awhile. I have been so in darkness, confusion, stabbing pain, crushing pain, loss, it has blinded me and taken it's toll on me, I feel all alone in the pain, scared and with no one to turn to except God, which I am so forever grateful for being there.  I would not have been able to get through this dark tunnel that I am still passing through but I am feeling  a break from now so that I can take care of business and get to prayer.

The good news --- Anxiety is leaking out of my body, as if reliving these memories, writing about them is releasing old stored fears, hardwired anxiety. I recall this feeling after my hard, very strenuous work with Peter years ago, the intense pain, the crushing feeling in my chest, the tears and black terror as well as fatigue, then the calm, it starts all over again, then finally the fears start to move up and out of me. There is alway progress. It is just a process, like someone with a life time of psychical pain, our hearts were so broken, mending them and giving the broken pieces back to God is hard, you first have to find the broken pieces and if what you have inside has been broken for so long how can you know what unbroken is?

Feeling better, coming out of the darkness, going to reach for God and nothing else, at least I try.

[Hopalong]

I'm glad you're writing it all out, Lise...

The pain an abandoned 4 y/o must feel is abominable.
I've felt some tiny degree of abandonment at times in my life, infinitesimal, and I don't know how I could stand the degree of laceration you go through.

The only healing I can imagine might be to be around children who need someone to read them stories.

Have you ever had that opportunity?

love
Hops

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I love a book called "The Reciprocal Self", written by three Fuller Seminary graduates (two psychologists, one pastor) combining developmental psych and Christian theology. It says that we were created to become fully functioning "reciprocal selves" --- selves fully capable of communion with God and with one another. From this book, I got this definition of grace, my very favorite definition of the most lifesaving concept in all of the world (not verbatim but close) ...

Grace is the space created inside of a relationship, where the stronger member of the relationship gives the weaker member the space to grow, risk, and make mistakes.

In Christian teaching, God offers us grace ... and yes, He does reserve grace for those He loves. It is very specially reserved for US, the broken and hurting and specially treasured daughters and sons of Adam and Eve. It is reserved for you and me. We have a special invitation and a special reservation to come into that space for grace, that we might grow, risk, and make mistakes.

Psalm 68:6 (New International Version)

 6 God sets the lonely in families, [a]
       he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
       but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

I think the internet is a very special gift for us and for our times. I think here we can safely "sneak up on" healing relationships because the forum is not as threatening as face to face ... not that we are supposed to just STOP with internet relationships, but what a gift that we can ease into the very things that frighten us! Gradual exposure.

I remember a wonderful phrase from a creed we used to repeat in university chapel:

In life, in death, in life beyond death, God is with us. We are not alone. Thanks be to God.

Even in dark bathrooms filled with smoke .... God is with us. We are not alone. Thanks be to God.

[Ami]

Yes (((Hop))), God is so wonderful!   x o x o Ami

[Ami]

Thinking of you my dear friend ((((Lise))))))       x o x Ami

[Gabben]

Hi HeartofPilgrimage,

Thank you for your post.

It feels much better today inside my brain.  I have not needed to run into my bathroom since yesterday afternoon, there is a huge shift in my chest and outlook on life, mostly I know, with ALL my heart (at least I hope), that I am NOT bad.

This is a HUGE shift in my heart and mind, as if the painful memories have come up, passed through me and out, of what it was like to take in bad air or love , life abhors a vacuum. As a child I breathed in the toxic air of being left alone at ages to young to be left alone for so long, therefore, I took in the negative permeating message that I was bad, unlovable and unwanted, insignificant, the way that my going into my bathroom is acting out, as I breathe in the toxic air that permeates me. Interesting, huh.

Last summer I had to unravel a layer of baby aggression, the wanting of comfort that babies need, reach for, scream for, etc.. My addiction to smoking was the acting out of the "comfort that kills"  just like having an N mom, she was NO comfort at all, she was soul murdering me.

There was another layer of the addiction which was about contempt, the contempt that I felt towards my parents as a very small child. As an adult I would hold my addiction and the cigarettes in contempt, it was a safe channel to express my buried feeling of contempt towards the world, my parents etc., because as a child for me to actually really HAVE feelings of contempt, hatred towards my hostile caregivers, would have been too life threatening for me, too scary. I think that I have come to term cigarettes as "hostile caregivers."

Better today, different, and very hopeful.

Also, I feel a huge healing from the trauma/drama of  the old NT. It is as if I got some validation which is SO very healing and needed when dealing with trauma and N's.