Do "normal" moms feel bad when their kids cry?

[nolongeraslave]

Do they? You tell me, b/c my mom didn't care. It's almost as if she took pleasure in seeing me cry, so she could manipulate me into doing what she wanted.     

When I told someone this, they said "Maybe you were crying over childish things."

Um...when someone makes you feel worthless, not good enough, fat, screams at you, intimidates you, acts mean....your feelings will be hurt and you may cry to express your pain.    How is that childish?

When I wanted to see a therapist for my past sexual abuse, my mom screamed at me causing me to cry.  She said, "I'm better than any therapist out there! You should only talk to me" (HAHAHAHAH!) I cried, because I wanted help so badly.  Then, I thought my mom was stopping me from getting something that was good for my health.   At 24, I had to sneak around my mom's back to see a therapist (without that therapist, I wouldn't be where I am).  I didn't want to deal with my mom screaming at me or plotting ways on how to stop me (she's good at sabotaging things). 



My question is how would a normal mom act in this situation? Would she understand why her kid is crying?     On top of that, all of my ex boyfriends were just like my mom. They hated tears and yelled at you for crying. They expected you to take mean comments and just shut up.



It makes you wonder if the whole world is like this. I hope not.  I hope people can agree that the above examples make my mom seem truly cruel.

[binks]

Your mother is really cruel. NMs have no empathy and worse than that they seem to delight in hurting their children or in allowing them to be hurt.

A normal mother feels her child's pain and does everything she can to make things better. When you child is hurt or sad you feel it like a physical pain, because the empathy is so strong.

When we DONMs become mothers I believe we cannot imagine doing the nasty things our mothers did to us, to our own children. It makes no sense to us, because we have true motherly feelings for our children.

[gratitude28]

When I was a teeneager and learned not to ever let her see me upset/cry, NM would rage and get sooooo angry. She tried and tried to 'break' me. She loved to see me cry. Interestingly enough, my NM never cries (unless it's calculated) and shows no emtion toward normal situations. When her brother died, she ran out to buy new clothes so that everyone would see how good she looked at the funeral.

[Still Ticking]

Blocking a kid from a therapist is about as low as it gets, nolongeraslave.  I can only speak for myself, but seeing my daughter or son cry breaks my heart.  To derive pleasure from their tears,  is unthinkable to me.

I want to slap your mother for stopping you from getting help after being sexually abused.

In general, I think all N's get nervous when someone in their midst seeks help.  When a child (whatever age) seeks help it reflects poorly on them in their minds.  Remember, these people have no flaws and aren't inclined to take responsibility for any of their actions.  Therapy kind of opens the door for people to be questioned or called out on the carpet for past behavior... and I've yet to meet an N who likes anyone rocking their boat.  If your mother was your therapist, she didn't have to expose anyone else to her flaws.  You suffered, but she was safe.  And that's probably what mattered most to her.  Keeping up appearances.

My mother had me so well trained that I don't recall ever crying in her presence when I lived at home.  We stuffed our emotions, swept everything under the carpet and wore plastic smiles.  I always thought she was a very loving woman and capable of great empathy, but looking back I see that was only the case if I made no waves and was a little clone of her.

What your mother did to you was cruel, Nolongeraslave.  Please don't doubt that for one second.  Normal mothers do not take pleasure in their child's tears.

Love, 

Still Ticking

 

[HeartofPilgrimage]

If I made one of my adult children cry, I would feel terribly. I have to admit though that sometimes the tears they turned on as children didn't move me much, if I thought they were trying to manipulate me or if they just felt sorry for themselves.

My husband is a very good man, but grew up with both a N mother AND an N father (I have no idea how he or his siblings turned out so well!) ... and something they all do (including my hubby) bothers me. When a baby or very little child cries, they chuckle. Their explanation is that they're so cute. But although I know that you don't get upset when a baby cries, it seems to me unnatural to think it's funny. My husband is otherwise a great father, a loving person, a very decent person. I just think that response to a baby or small child's tears is weird. It's like there's a gap in empathy. I don't get upset every time a baby cries, but it certainly doesn't make me feel like giggling. And if the baby cries long enough, I start to feel distressed.

My husband is a gynecologist, and he's totally great in part because manipulative women have no effect on him by turning on the tears. Actually, it just pisses him off when he feels a woman is trying to cry and manipulate him. If he feels she is genuinely distressed, it doesn't piss him off, but he is able to remain calm and objective (unlike a lot of men who freak at the first sign of tears).

His mother was and is very manipulative. Maybe that is the root of what I view as a strange reaction to baby's tears and also what I view as an unusual male reaction to female tears.

[nolongeraslave]

I'm seeing my parents again for christmas eve, so maybe that's why these memories are coming up. I always get into a frenzy before I see her....I couldn't even cook my pancakes properly, haha.   My mom has made it seem like EVERYONE else is cruel, when it's really her!  

My mom also forced me to stop taking anti-depressants (I had a severe form of OCD/depression) when I was 22.  I was terrible, but my mom didn't care.  She wanted the satisfaction of me not being on meds, b/c it made her happy.   She said nobody would like and marry me if I was on anti-depressants.  She made up lies on how my anti-depressants were making me gain weight. The truth was I was over-eating to numb myself when living with my mom.  It wasn't the anti-depressants.

One moron said, "It's your fault you're not taking meds", when my grades were going down in college. I needed the medicine to concentrate, but I was scared of my mom being SO MEAN about me taking it.   As an adult, it's hard to explain to "normals" why you can't say no to your mom. My mom was SO mean if I didn't do anything she wanted. She would rip me to shreds with insults and put-downs.  She would come in my room and taunt me, "Are you taking your stupid medicine now, you crazy girl?"  Her comments would make me feel like I wasn't even human. 

I would then internalize those put-downs, so I did what she wanted me to do to avoid her mean comments.  Feeling bad about yourself is a horrible feeling.  It was such a FIGHT in that house to get the care I needed.  


My mom cries, but it's okay for her to cry only.    


I also grew up thinking that my mom was compassionate, b/c that's all what I knew.  It doesn't help when society thinks your mom is "so sweet."

[nolongeraslave]

The only reason why I'm going to see them for Christmas eve is b/c one of my favorite bands is playing  in my hometown...so I might as well go visit at home for a few days. I get to see some old friends too.   I'm more excited to see my friends and the band more than my parents, haha.

My step-dad and mom iaremore than happy to pay for my airfare, so I just took the offer to go.  My job is slow during the holidays anyway. 

I'm just glad I get to vent about it here, without people telling me, "It's your fault you still keep contact with your parents, so you have no right to complain."    Cutting contact isn't a realistic option right now.  I think the only realistic thing for me is to learn not to let my mom have control over how I feel. 

I want to see her as a funny  act that you look at and then forget about when you walk out of the circus. 

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Yeah, NLAS, I suspect that that is what my soon-to-be-ex daughter in law is going through. She is only 20. Her N mother has poisoned her against me, so that anything I do is interpreted as malicious. She doesn't know what compassion is, so she doesn't trust me when I have told her "I am not judging you." It is so frustrating to know in my heart that I can't do anything, that anything I do will be twisted and distorted ... and now she is divorcing my son due to her mother's poison (OK, no it's not that simple but it's a big chunk of the truth).

Everybody has to wake up to Narcissism in their parent themselves, nobody can help you. It stinks, but you won't believe anybody until you're ready to hear it.

[nolongeraslave]

Yeah, NLAS, I suspect that that is what my soon-to-be-ex daughter in law is going through. She is only 20. Her N mother has poisoned her against me, so that anything I do is interpreted as malicious. She doesn't know what compassion is, so she doesn't trust me when I have told her "I am not judging you." It is so frustrating to know in my heart that I can't do anything, that anything I do will be twisted and distorted ... and now she is divorcing my son due to her mother's poison (OK, no it's not that simple but it's a big chunk of the truth).

Everybody has to wake up to Narcissism in their parent themselves, nobody can help you. It stinks, but you won't believe anybody until you're ready to hear it.

Aww, I'm sorry that she doesn't trust you. I was in the same position, when a FEW people tried to tell me my NM was evil. I didn't want to hear it, because I felt she was all I had and the rest of the world was evil. In order to admit that my mom was an N, that means I had to leave. I didn't have the skills to be out their on my own. I was so disturbed with no money and having too much anxiety to work. 

My N mom's poison broke up my ex and I as well.  She drove my ex insane (she would badmouth him behind his back, accused him of cheating, she got jealous) that even he agreed to break up.   He wasn't the right person for me overall, but it's amazing how much power N's can have.

[nolongeraslave]

In general, I think all N's get nervous when someone in their midst seeks help.  When a child (whatever age) seeks help it reflects poorly on them in their minds.  Remember, these people have no flaws and aren't inclined to take responsibility for any of their actions.  Therapy kind of opens the door for people to be questioned or called out on the carpet for past behavior... and I've yet to meet an N who likes anyone rocking their boat.  If your mother was your therapist, she didn't have to expose anyone else to her flaws.  You suffered, but she was safe.  And that's probably what mattered most to her.  Keeping up appearances.

I never thought about that.  It's like my N mom KNEW that I would leave her and stand up for myself, if I saw a therapist  That makes me think that N moms somehow know what they're doing?   

My mom  wanted to bitch at my therapist for not teaching me to be a "good submissive girl", but she got cold feet, lol. She was probably too scared to hear what my therapist had to say.

 In her head, she thought therapy was a way to make me forget about what my parents did and not give my mom any trouble. No way in hell.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

NLAS, what you're describing is exactly what I see in my DIL. Right now it is hard to untangle if the DIL is actually an N or if she is just so mixed up because of her mother --- I guess it doesn't really matter, except that there's a baby involved. The DIL was the "GC" in her family, but I get the feeling that behind closed doors she took a lot of psychological abuse. The "GC" in that family, I think, just meant that in public you were favored. It is both horrible and sad --- my son would have been good to her if she had given him a chance.

[nolongeraslave]

She probably did take on a lot of psychological abuse.  GC's are narcissistic supply anyway.  I was the GC, and  I still got the worst part of it out of all of my siblings. My NM would tell me how I was the favorite in the family, but then she viciously put me down behind closed doors. It was so confusing.  

My two older brothers were "ignored," but they had the freedom to do whatever they want. They could leave the house and not put up with my mom's mean comments, mind games, etc.  On the outside, it seems like my brothers got the worst part of treatment...but I do envy them in many ways.  They weren't held responsible to "take care" of my mom's sick needs. They weren't harrassed constantly on the phone, they weren't guilted as much as I was, they weren't forced to come to annoying parties to please my mom's friends, they weren't criticized on how they look, etc.   

I honestly do feel like I got the worst part of it. As my mom's GC, I was her prisoner and her slave.  

[Ami]

Dear NLAS
 My M loved to see me hurt , too. I really still cannot face this, emotionally. I can not face that my own mother WANTED to hurt me.              xxxoo  Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Hey, Heart - while researching Disturbed Attachment Style (of personality), I came across a description of some toddlers who giggled at another child crying... it was how they handled their discomfort (and fear) about what would happen to the playmate because of the crying.

Shoe might not fit... but on the off-chance that it does, thought it might provide an explanation.

[Logy]

This hit home for me.

"In general, I think all N's get nervous when someone in their midst seeks help."

When I felt bad and seeked help from professionals, she always wanted to know every detail.  She made every effort to point the finger to someone else in my life.  "My friends didn't care about me.  My husband was cruel to me.  My daughter should do more for me.  My father was neglectful."  Never about what Mom might be able to do.

The one time that I confronted her with a painful experience in my life when I was 12 years old, she belittled my feelings.  I was crying over the phone to her, saying how I felt at the time (and doing this when I was 51 years old and she was 74).  I was sobbing about my experience of the situation.  She was haughty, denying everything I said, and didn't give a rat's ass that I was shedding tears as if it had just happened.

So I now know that I can cry if the rest of the world makes me cry.  If something she did makes me cry, she couldn't care less.  I have le.arned to never tell her when I look to someone else to support me.