I think you're right on all counts, dear CB.
The little power struggles are pointless and it's much better to just not have a need expressed and muddle on. Mostly, I don't ask much...but any small request does get magnified into The Battle. You're right, I vacuumed before (now and then when the dust bunnies grew 2' high) and will do it again. As to the lessons about whether I can/want to manage a house this size, that's all moot until my brother responds to the last settlement offer. One way or another, the estate has to be settled, either by me buying him out so I can sell it or keep it (the only choice for me, as I can't sell it WITH him, that would be BULLY II)...or if he never will, then eventually back to court for a forced sale (and at that point no judge would force me to work with him). So I'm safe here for now and have adapted to the limbo. For my D, it all adds to her feels of instability. She says, I'm sleeping on the couch of a person who's sleeping on the couch. (In the longer term, I have come many miles in letting go. If it's clear at the time that I can't keep it, I'm ready to let it go and make a cozy nest somewhere else.) Just not clear yet.
I do have to (and have grown eager to) let D go. When she was in Miami, down to $150 and sounding irrational ("All I need is a bicycle")...I didn't have the heart to say, Gosh, let me know what happens. I did intervene to "rescue" her and she resents it bitterly that instead of paying for a truck, gas, fuel to get her home, I didn't just send her the money to do whatever she wanted with. I just couldn't. She'd just stiffed me for thousands, I am hurting financially, and I knew that whatever I sent she'd blow through and it wouldn't be enough to keep her safe. Now, she's safe, but furious. One sticking point I will talk through with my T today is she wanted to keep her things in a storage unit down there, and I pushed her to bring it ALL here. So now, she has the monthly expense of that (would have down there as well) and also felt that it was the last thread that kept her linked to her dream there. She really resented that I pushed her to get it all in one place, especially this town, which she hates. She said for her emotionally that was the last straw, and I believe her. She also has a complex argument that because I said I'll get you a UHaul but not a rental car, and I'm not paying for a storage unit, I didn't give her the help SHE wanted but only the help that I wanted...that I really owe her that money so she can start again.
I know what she'd prefer: I give her about $10K I don't have, so she can get a car and move back there. On the one hand, it's tempting. On the other it would be disastrous for me financially. And it's really not enough to get her into a safe situation. $20K would be, but I don't have it. So, one step at a time.
Thank god for a good T, friends, and this board.
You are right on the pulse of it when you talk about me REALLY letting go and releasing the outcome, in faith that I can have a good life whether my daughter rejects me forever or not. I think...I have no choice.
And the medium chill courtesy without engagement about our relationship is critical and I have to stop agreeing to the marathon sessions with her when I feel absolutely verbally beaten up. I think the more I consent to it, the more it escalates. Hopefully, we'll find a new family counselor who can help us with hearing each other, soon.
Must go write. Thank you CB, and TT, and everyone, for all the kindness and wisdom and caring.
Beyond thanks.
Hops