It seems I have a boyfriend

[Lupita]

He dances tango, dances salsa, dances bachata, dances merengue, walks my six miles walk, he has his own buiseness, is a good person, he is funny and fun to be with. He also plays the piano and appreciates good music.
The only problem with him is that he is emotionally blind, he does not understand feelings.
I like him so much. He does not believe me that I have had 20 years without love. He is not an N. For the first time in my life I am related with somebody who is not an N.
I cannot believe that he is in my life. I am so afraid that he is going to disappear or that I am dreaming, or that it is not true or that something is going to happen to disrupt this happiness.
I thought that my life was fantastic with my walking club, my tango, my salsa, my hihp-hop dancing, my flirting, everything was terrific, a job where I am needed and a church where I aam beeing begged to stay an play the piano for them.
Now my life is complete. I am sop afraid. 

[Hopalong]

Ola, Lupita! I'm happy you're happy! He sounds like a lovely man.

Please find a safe outlet for your fear and don't pour it all over him. Remember that it's YOUR job to manage your emotions. He can be comforting and kind but if you greet him with waves of desperation, well, you know what that does.

It is not his job to manage your emotions.

How can you handle the anxiety without pouring it onto him? Remember he has recently met you. Your history is not his. He is not inside your mind. His blood does not run in your veins, nor yours in his.

He has his own history and independent capacity for happiness.

So do you! You have your own independent capacity for happiness.

SHARE your capacity for happiness. Don't make him responsible for your happiness. Manage your fear on your own. Take some of those six-mile walks by yourself!

I could sum up all my bossy advice in 4 words: LOVE IS NOT FUSION.

Stay in the present moment. Every time you catch yourself focusing on fear that it might end, bring yourself back to the present. Meditate. Sitting meditation calms anxiety. You learn to see thoughts come and go and recognize, these are just thoughts. Back to breathing.

I love the idea of you being happy with a nice man who's not an N!

big hugs,
Hops

[Ami]

What do you mean that he does not understand feelings? Could you give a few practical examples.         Ami

[lighter]

Lupe:

I'm so happy for you...... of course a nice man is interested in you.

Please stay busy and active with things you enjoy.

Dn't focus exclusively on what could go wrong, or backfire or dissapear.

Enjoy the time you have today.....

for tomorrow is promised to no one.


Merry Christmas, my friend....

Mo2

[Lupita]

Hop, I am reading the book. I ordered it from Barnes n Noble and I am at stages of courtship. "Not to take anything personal" Courtship has its life of its own.
It helps understand somethings, but does not take the desperation away. You are right. I need to relaxs and enjoy.
MO2, same, I need to enjoy the present. It is difficult to get rid of the negativity.
Ami, tango can be danced separated and in close embrace. Separated, you only hold hand and arm but close embrace is close together and chick with chick. I do not like fpor him to dance close embrace with other women, he says that tango is tango, and that he does not understand why I get mad. That is why i say he is blind, how he cannot understand that it bothers me.
That is the only problem we have. All women chase him at all the Milongas, and dance studios, some of them throw them selvews at him without any respect of me. He says that those are their actiosn and he cant do anything. But I know that he has to do something to elicit the response.
He has behaved very well the last two weeks.
Today, we have a Milonga, we are going in separated cars because I am going to leave if he starts with close embrace.
I really like him.
Dear friends, give me advice.
Love,

Lupita

[Ami]

I see what you mean, Lupita. Is that the only instance where he seems emotionally blind? If so, I could see it several ways and only your own gut can tell you what is the truth.
 He may think holding someone close when dancing doesn't mean anything. It is just how he dances. Or he may be insensitive to you.
 Or, you could be too insecure about his being close to a woman and overly restrictive.
  I would ask God and my inner voice to show me the answer.
        Ami

[Lupita]

I had an anxiety attack in the milonga last night. The instructor called me to dance with her, and I had the perception that she wanted to let him free becasue she thought I was imposing my precense to him. He told me to give him some space before. Another dnacer was irritated with me because I was not doing correctly during the class instruction before the milonga. All that triggered a crisis of avandonement and desperation. My BF was very supportive, held me, made me stay with him, pushed me to dance with other firneds, and really felt blessed that he was with me.
I have to control my self. I guess I have to go back to councelling. Dont know how to control. Once the crisis start cant think clearly and dont know what to do. Feel paranoid, fear, abandoned.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
  I think you can talk about it on the Board and get support. FIRST of all--stop inside when you have the insecure voices. Don't act until you can get some space. You can wait ,not act and get back to the Board .
 I think that you are having abandonment issues from your M. I have been there. We all have, I think.
 The warm fuzzies with your b/f bring up the longing for love and the FEAR that you will not get it.
  I think this is the root of the problem.
  A guy likes a needy woman in small doses but if you get smothering on him, you will push him away.
  These feelings are not your fault. You got poor, poor programming from an NM.                 Ami

[CB123]

Hey Lupe!

I think Ami has really good advice. 

Anything you can do to keep yourself from quickly reacting will be so helpful to you.  Try to parent yourself at those tense moments by promising yourself that you will get a chance to talk later when you are alone.  And then get on the board and talk or journal or something like that.  Talk and talk and talk.  Ami's right--its hard for a romantic interest to handle the full weight of our wounds. 

Any guy worth having will have plenty of opportunity to be patient--but a lot of this stuff is just stuff only you can deal with.  He cant change enough, love you enough, understand you enough, be careful enough, to give you what you need.  You need insight to what is hurting you so badly and it really isnt him although it feels as though it is.

I so hope that you can let him just be a friend to you right now--someone fun to do things with and enjoy. 

Love,
CB