Hi All,
It has been a while since I have posted. I moved through much old grief and stored pain this past summer. It seemed that I got a break from the wounds of being raised in an N home, the emotional desert of non-love.
My Nmom and I had a fight, which is nothing new this time of year, the holidays always seem to stir pain for our family, especially my mom. I am struggling to work through the pain of never really being seen by my mom for who I am, not having a normal mom's love and protective care through life's hardships as well as what it is like to feel looked at or upon as ugly, which is exactly what my mom did to me, she saw me as nothing or ugly to keep herself feeling safe, it was her walls of envy, her walls of insecurity that she puts up, keeping her staring at only what she sees is wrong with me, her own reflection, rather than seeing anything good about me or really just seeing me at all.
It hurts. Again. Writing about this has helped me in the past to let go of the old idea that I have to be seen through others eyes in order to validate my worth or even to validate my existence. I fear the empty feelings of being nothing if I feel that I am not seen in some shape or form in this world which comes from years of being seen as nothing through my mom's eyes.
These wounds are small, I have worked on these ideas much, this just seems a last layer of really letting go of what others think of me and really letting go of the need to be seen through the eyes of others; something that I cannot control anyways.
I feel as though I have fallen way back, back to addiction and back into dysfunction all over again because of my attachment to being seen...another huge cross of letting go, dying to self is on the way, something that I have been clinging to for so long is about to get taken out of my hands by God, like a pacifier taken from a baby, another one of many for me that I have had to let go...I have lived on pacifiers for most of my life. Bleh.
This too shall pass.
