Exposure?

[Lucky]

It scares me very much exposing an abuser especially when the abuser's proxies are like cult members to the abuser's cult. But maybe I should not care running the risk of them starting to see me in an even more negative light?
http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/abuse/what-is-abuse.htm
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

[river]

This is a good reminder.

[Ami]

You do have to be very smart when dealing with abusers of ALL types. You have to keep ONE step ahead of them . They want to take you down and the deal is NOT to let them!   x o x o  Ami

[Logy]

Society has finally acknowledged physical abuse and is learning to recognize it and work to heal those affected by it and stop it from happening in the first place.  This link is helpful in recognizing that there is another type of abuse - psychological abuse.  Just as damaging to those affected by it. 

Lucky, you mentioned an abuser's cult.  For a long time I felt I was up against the abuser's cult with my own family.  I am the oldest of 4 and had the only grandchild for 10 years.  During those years I experienced NM's coerction of me and my daughter, seeking to alienate me from my own child and make my daughter the "golden child" who worshiped NM and thought her own mother was not capable of taking care of her.  When I complained about this manipulation to my siblings, in one voice they all talked about how Mom was wonderful, how could I say that about her, she took such good care of all of us!  But I KNEW there was something wrong!!!  

After 10 years, my brother had a child.  Then my sister had two children.  And they began to experience what I had been talking about.  This whole process has taken two decades.   Two of my siblings now have insight into what I have said over the last 20 years. 

So my point is - when you feel something is wrong, something is abuse, it usually is.  A person knows in their soul when someone's comments or actions make them feel bad.  If they chose to support the abuser then that is their choice.  But their choice doesn't have to be your choice.  A person needs to move forward into their own truth.

Logy

[Portia]

Portia *Likes* this thread.

[swimmer]

Good thread Lucky!  In my experience with my brother and his kids... he had kids before me.  My mom was creating a golden child, scapegoat and a bully with her 3 grandkids.  My NM had to help my brother out cause his life was falling apart and the kids were young.  I saw this and was disgusted as usual, but never said anything.  I just had these blinders on, and my NM was in full form when my daughter was 8 weeks old.  That's when I  became NC again.  I have to get through this period of questioning myself, that I'm going to ruin my daughter's life be not having a grandma on that side of our family.  Abuse by proxy.... they thought we'd never  figure it out!!!

swimmer

[Hopalong]

Lucky your child is LUCKY.

One of my greatest regrets is that I let my Nmother take over so much of my child's life.

I was exhausted, she had so many gifts -- babysitting, piano lessons, tuition, etc etc.

She did love her, but her influence was way way way too strong. For both my D and me.

So...keep respecting your instincts and holding very very strong boundaries with your mother.

One day, your child will be healthy, able to love.


bravo,
Hops