[
color=blue]Just wanted to introduce myself into this site and message board. I am looking for ways to learn about and process the damage that's accrued in my life over the past 39 years (can't say 40 until next month
). I am hoping that I can regain some power (or maybe I should say, begin having some power and voice) in my life. I have been in and out of counseling and processes many issues, but the most significant and most damaging has been the effect my mother has had on me. I always thought she was "controlling" but in the past few weeks I have found that she is pure narcissitic. She's the poster child for narcissism
The feelings I have struggled with over the years have been: feeling misunderstood (I guess since I didn't have a voice), weak, and angry - actually rage. The really weird thing is that I spent all my time trying to believe that everything was my fault and that in being so I could actually do something about it. But it wasn't my fault and I can't change the fact that she will never understand me, never listen to me, never accept me. She is center stage and the world revolves around her.
I was suicidal from about age 13 - 25. I then married someone who was just like my mother. I didn't see it for years - until he began to hurt our children and eventually tried to kill me. He was much more subtle than my mother about his narcissism. It came across like everything he did was for me even though it was for him. The hardest thing I've ever done was to divorce him and even that came almost too late - I didn't do it for me, I did it for my girls.
My counselors advised me to move 2000 miles away from my mom. I began building distance and finally ended up in Tennessee with her in Ohio. That was good. Then my father retired and they moved to North Carolina to be closer to their grandkids (my girls). Then I divorced and moved closer to them so now I'm back at 25 miles from my mom and things are as bad as ever
Examples of her narcissism: I'll be 40 next month. She called and stated that she and dad would like to take me to a play on my birthday.
I hate plays! I always have. I've made no pretenses about it. She and my sister are theatre lovers. My sister has her PhD in Theatre. My mom was a thespian in high school, but I don't like plays. I guess she never heard me
After telling her I don't really care about going to a play she just continued on saying she would take me and my new husband out to dinner prior to the play - "their treat". So now I've made it clear that's not what I want to do on my birthday and she acts as though she's not heard me at all. It's not even a gift since she has season tickets to all the plays, she hasn't gone to any expense on my account. Why can't she just ask me what I would like for my birthday
When I was 18 years old she bought me a scale for my birthday. And the next year I received
Amy Vanderbilts Book of Ettiquite and
How to Dress with Style. (Obviously I need to lose weight and look better)
Last year for Christmas I got a disposal unit for the kitchen sink. They had purchased it for their home the year or two before but got themselves a better one and had forgotten to return this one. So now it's my Christmas present. (These are Upper-Middle Class people who can afford the best in life for themselves).
I have so much to vent, but I'm late for work - I case manage the severe and persistently mentally ill. Mostly schizophrenics. It's a really great job and I love making a difference in their lives. My life is charmed compared to theirs![/color]
