The longer you go, the more you notice

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I have NO idea if my mother is really getting worse now that she is well into her 70s or if I have just finally seen enough of both HER and the outside world to recognize it.

It seems every day, she gets worse. She always had to have everything done her way --- the way she wanted it, when she wanted it, whether or not anybody else in the world cared if it got done. But now that she is elderly this determination to have everything done her way and on her schedule seems stupider and stupider. She has always refused to accommodate other people's schedule or willingness to help, and then complained because she "has to do everything myself." Most recently, she offered me some cardboard boxes since we are packing some stuff up, and I said yes ... we have been planning for the whole family to go to her house for Sunday lunch tomorrow, and I told her a few days ago we'd get the boxes then. (Side note: my husband kids and I live out in a rural area, the road is all torn up right now with the county repaving it, and I have started a new job that requires me to be out of town several days a week). Apparently my mother couldn't wait for Sunday ... she dragged her husband of 2 years out to our place and dropped off the boxes in our barn because she wanted them out of her garage IMMEDIATELY. You'd just have to know the relationship I have with my mother to know that this was a message from her that I didn't come get the darn things fast enough to suit her. That's fine if she wanted to break her neck getting those boxes out there, I'm not going to apologize for not doing things RIGHT THIS SECOND. The boxes will probably get filthy though, the barn has no floor other than a dirt one and most of the junk out there is covered in dust. I haven't even checked them out yet.

Called me on my cell phone while I was at work ... shame on me, I was with a client when she called ... good thing I keep my cell phone on silent because she never pays any attention to when I am working. She left a voice mail to call her back (no indication of what she was calling for) ... so I called her back immediately because who knew, it could have been a medical crisis or something. But she just wanted to discuss what we were having for Sunday dinner (my birthday). Nice ... except that I couldn't talk so I asked her if I could call her back later. Called her back on my way home from work, she was miffed because I hadn't called earlier, told me we were just having sandwiches for Sunday dinner because I called back too late and she had already been to the store without knowing what I wanted for dinner. Again, you just have to have the history to know that she is disdainful of sandwiches as a "real" meal.

Come to find out, she actually IS cooking for my birthday dinner, the "sandwiches" are going to be hamburgers and grilled chicken ... but why did she have to spoil it by acting like I had done something wrong by daring to have a work life that doesn't revolve around her? I just think the drama is so stupid.

I dropped by their house today ... I had to get back home and work some more on my "day off", but that is calculated ... I try these days to always have something I have to do when I "drop by" so that I don't get stuck for long periods. She wanted to know how I was, but when I started to tell her --- specifically, I'm feeling sore because I've had a lot of tension in this new job build up and then I had a massage yesterday, the combo made me sore --- she didn't even listen. I used to get irritated at the way she didn't listen to me (always diverting her attention to something else) and would doggedly go on with my story no matter the interruptions, but today I just wondered if she would even notice if I didn't bother finishing my story. She didn't. As soon as I said the word "sore," she took over and went into a long spiel about how she is always sore, it is a part of getting old, etc. I realized that at least when she is in the "N state" she could care less about my story.

My mom really does cycle between the "N state" and being fairly normal. On the one hand, I think that it is nice to have periods where she can be pretty normal. On the other hand, those periods of normalcy do suck you in and put your guard down. So that she can sucker-punch you the next time the "N state" kicks in.

I'm just sore physically and mentally right now! Too tired even to get very worked up. My daughter seems to have similar problems to my mom so I am sandwiched (ha, how appropriate is that word right now) between two generations that exhaust me and whom nothing pleases. At least my daughter has some excuse for her behavior --- besides being a teenager, she has a trauma history (from before we adopted her) and also a traumatic brain injury at age 11. What my mother's excuse is I have no idea.

[Logy]

Oh yeah!  This is EXACTLY how my NM is.  I felt like you were a fly on the wall, watching my life.  Or are you my sister?  Judy? 

Yes, on HER schedule.  Your box story - others who have a normal mom might think, oh how nice, she wanted you to have them right away.  You and I know better.   

And yeah.  NM asks about me and when I start to tell her, she either has the same thing only worse or she changes the subject or she gets up because she has to do something (like wipe the sink).

My NM has always been this way.  I'm just grateful for my own maturing and knowledge because now I know I am NOT the stupid, insignificant person I always thought I was.  I'm still working through the residue but feel more peaceful.

Logy

[swimmer]

HeartofP

Being a minor, your daughter has an excuse for needing you as well.... as for your mother, she sounds like an emotional slavedriver.  Happy bday to you:)

Swimmer

[JustKathy]

Called me on my cell phone while I was at work ... shame on me, I was with a client when she called ... good thing I keep my cell phone on silent because she never pays any attention to when I am working.

I think they do get worse as they get older. They've been used to getting their way all their lives, and I think the older they get, the more they feel entitled to that.

I highlighted your quote about your M calling you at the office, because mine would do the same thing. When I was working, I had a very important job at the executive level. M refused to acknowledge that I had a successful career, so she just pretended that my work number was another home number. One time I was in a meeting, and my secretary was screening my calls. My mother said, "Isn't that cute how the girl on the phone asked who was calling, like you were important or something. How funny." She would never accept that I was at work, earning a living, doing an important job. She would call in the middle of an important meeting to talk about Oprah, as if I were at home doing nothing.

[SilverLining]

I have NO idea if my mother is really getting worse now that she is well into her 70s or if I have just finally seen enough of both HER and the outside world to recognize it.

 

Hi HP.  Both of my parents are well into their 70's and I've wondered the exact same thing.  I think they are probably getting worse,  AND our recognition of the situation is getting better.   Getting old has gotta be tough for an N.  It's sort of the ultimate proof that they aren't really special.  

Both of my parents seem to be getting even more self absorbed than usual.  When I went to visit last Christmas, my mother babbled about herself nonstop nearly every waking moment.  And she has become alienated from most of her friends because she claims THEY don't do anything but talk about themselves.  It amazes me how little insight they have into their own behavior.  My father has retreated into a typical depressive mood.  He hardly talks at all anymore, except to throw out a counterpoint or dismissal of others points of view.  I've come to realize this "emotional phasing" has been a regular feature of his entire life.  

Like you say, the phases of relative normalcy suck others in.  But it is ALWAYS followed by the return of the self absorbed, and abusive phases.  Acting normal and treating others well is just too much of a strain for them.  They seem to (sometimes) know intellectually how they are supposed to act in relationship to others.  But I suspect it doesn't feel good to them emotionally.  They want to have good relationships, but they need to have the "N supply" they get from abusing others.  So life is a constant phasing back and forth between trying to be decent and being abusive. 

Frenetic activity seems to be another symptom.  I think their inner life is so impoverished, they have to have constant distractions in the form of plans and dramas.  

[Logy]

I have NO idea if my mother is really getting worse now that she is well into her 70s or if I have just finally seen enough of both HER and the outside world to recognize it.

 

 I think their inner life is so impoverished, they have to have constant distractions in the form of plans and dramas.  

That quote was brilliant!  Thank you!  Exactly how it feels.  If NM doesn't have drama, she creates it.  If she doesn't have plans, she imposes on anyone else's life to create them. 

Once my siblings and I first, recognized the manipulation and emotional abuse and, second, decided to live our own lives rather than continue to cater to NM 's every desire, she decided to become extremely involved with their church.  (A church in which they abandoned in their mid-lives because of their judgement of the minister.)  Suddenly, NM becomes a deacon, coordinates meals for the sick, takes the elderly to doctor appointments, spends one night a week with preschoolers, has Dad drive the church van.  I believe this was an attempt to find another audience, since her children had finally gotten tired of the constant involvement and control.   So now, after 4 years of her involvement (and her constant criticism of the neediness and lack of appreciation by the church members) she is going to quit doing many of these activities.   I actually feel sorry for her now.  I don't know where she will get her next fix to be the worshipped person she so desires to be.  I'm afraid her children and grandchildren will once again become her source of drama.

[SilverLining]

, NM becomes a deacon, coordinates meals for the sick, takes the elderly to doctor appointments, spends one night a week with preschoolers, has Dad drive the church van.  I believe this was an attempt to find another audience, since her children had finally gotten tired of the constant involvement and control.   So now, after 4 years of her involvement (and her constant criticism of the neediness and lack of appreciation by the church members) she is going to quit doing many of these activities.   I actually feel sorry for her now.  I don't know where she will get her next fix to be the worshipped person she so desires to be.  I'm afraid her children and grandchildren will once again become her source of drama.

Hi Logy.  I know exactly where you are coming from.  Sadly this sort of frenetic activity is seen by most everybody else as a healthy active charitable lifestyle.  But for the N it's all just superficial distraction.  There is no real commitment to others.   When it gets boring or they find more exciting self absorbed activities, the charity stuff gets dropped like a hot rock. 

My parents are the same way.  My father did some volunteer math tutoring for awhile, but when the students didn't seem appreciative enough he promptly quit.  They are involved in all sorts of charities, as long as it doesn't interfere with more exciting forms of entertainment. 

And then if we dare to even slightly question their methods , WE are at fault for not recognizing how giving they are.   We are expected to look at the surface and disregard our own intuitions of what is really going on.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Logy, sorry, I am definitely an only child ... I often have wished I had at least one sibling to commiserate with, but seeing my husband's sibling situation, i know that just because you have a sibling doesn't automatically translate into having someone who understands.

Actually, you guys (gals) are much better than siblings because you GET IT! About the frenetic activity --- OMG, I can so relate. ALL MY LIFE my mother has made my father and I into "less than" because we were more laid-back than her. It is only since beginning to read and post on this board that I have figured out that she is on HYPERDRIVE, it's not me that's too slow!

I also am getting SO TIRED of family members who blame it all on "that generation" or "being old." I no longer believe that all of my parents' generation are like that --- I have seen lots of "that generation" who are not self-absorbed. And I REFUSE to believe that it is inevitable that I am going to be like that if I live long enough!!!!

My mom is in her 70s and still yakking about how she wants to lose 20 pounds. I sometimes want to SCREAM about it. I personally need to lose about 35 (which she never lets me forget) ... but I don't have to BORE everyone within earshot whining about it. I also have realized that she tries to undermine every initiative I take to lose weight ... if I get on a program, she criticizes it ... her mantra is "you just have to eat less" if I am trying to count carbs or do anything that might actually WORK for me. Basically, I don't tell her that stuff any more.

I hate sounding so negative ... I'm just in a yukky place now, with both parents and kids.