Feeling Sorry for the Abuser

[Ami]

Alice Miller says the abused kids feel sorry for the abuser cuz that is a way to cope. I am STILL doing it with abusive husband. I am still the same mess I was when I got on here, it seems.
 I feel sorry for that ASS and not me!!!!!

[Ami]

i hope to God that ONE day I will have one ounce of the feeling for myself that I do for the F######ing Abusers!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Portia]

Feeling sorry for abusers is fine and dandy when you're a very long way away from them,and never when you're with them.

Feeling sorry for the sad nutbars in the news is ok. Compassion is ok but not at our expense!!!!

"I'm going to Jackson, that's all she wrote"

but where the heck is Jackson???

[Ami]

(((((Portia)))))      x o x o   Ami

[river]

Its a deep issue.  They probably need opposing just as others need love.  But how to do so effectively ~ thats the learning point

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I don't know about being sorry for an abuser ... but I do know I've noticed lately that I take other people's perspectives to the point of ignoring my own perspective. I have been trying to consciously step back from that. I think it is a result of being raised by someone who was unable to take other perspectives, and instead demanded of us from the instant we popped out of the womb, that we take THEIR perspective. So we have way too much practice taking other people's perspectives and too little practice just being with our own perspectives. I'm way quick to jump to "how he/she must be feeling, how he/she looks at this situation" without BEING with my own feelings and how I look at the situation.

Actually I think this would make an excellent research project for somebody ... there is some evidence that early-developing theory of mind is linked to depression ... i'll have to look up the references if anybody asks though. Theory of mind is the first component of perspective-taking ... it develops around the age of three and involves understanding what information other people have about a situation, even if it differs from what YOU know. Awhile back I read an article that says that children who were assessed as having a precocious or early-developing theory of mind as preschoolers tended to be more perfectionistic and self-critical as kindergartners. Makes sense to me!

[river]

check this one out, I cant vouch for it.......

http://www.narcissismcured.com/Narcissism_Cured.html

[nolongeraslave]

I don't want my parents to get into trouble or have people be mean to them, because I feel sorry for them.  I'm more quick to protect them than me.


Some say you can be sorry for the abuser, but that doesn't mean they have to hurt you.  I know I've "allowed" (I can't find a better term right now) them to abuse me, because I would think "They've been through a lot."

Dr.Mcbride said to react with love, because they never had any. I don't know. 

[swimmer]

I used to try to fill that void in my NM because first off I was assigned to at birth & I thought she might give me the emotional attention I needed.  

Now, I'm not really sorry for her but pity her.  Her emotional immaturity is terminal and must be really hard to live with.... But she has been graces and tools she has ignored.  This might be part of the disease, and that is the pity.... It's not solvable.   

I'm not sure what Dr. Mcbride means by reacting with love because that's what they never got.... This would put a responsibility on th child for filling a need of a parent.  Not sure I understand this?  It makes sense to react with love, but I think this puts a child right in the spot the N wants them in.... At least my NM.

[river]

These days I take 'love' to mean 'the actions of love'.   This is very different from the luvvy duvvy type of love.  Its more an aim for the highest good in any given situation, and that can include a confrontation/ NC/ ~ its about doing the right thing, or at least seeking to find it,  no matter how difficult that may feel.    This doesnt apply to a child of course, a child cant take on this type of ability. 

Finding this is also where I get caught in obsession : (  tho.

[Ami]

I HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEE    Him.
I married a piece of shit like my mother!!!!!!!!!!! I married my M. I  stayed cuz I had no dignity!!!!!
I hate both of them.

[swimmer]

(((((((Ami))))))

Embrace your feelings, they are yours, and they are valid:)

[Twoapenny]

(((((((((((((((((((((Ames))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

For me, getting angry because I felt sorry for them and not for me was a big step toward becoming free.  I couldn't bear making my parents upset, it felt like someone was ripping my heart out.  When I told my mum about the abuse and she reacted so badly my first thought was that I'd been so awful to lay all this on her and I should never have said anything.  It didn't occur to me that anyone should think about me or my feelings.

It's taken a long time but I am able to put responsibility where it needs to go (most of the time).  I can understand why my mum is the way that she is and feel empathy for what she's been through in her life - but without feeling responsible for making her better or allowing/accepting her behaviour.  I'm also able to put my needs before hers now.  My life is much calmer and happier without her in it, so I keep her out of it.  My needs are more important.

I've wanted to bang my head against a wall at times when I've realised how much I've worried about other people and no-one's worried about me.  I think if the feelings need to come out, let them.  You have a safe place here to let off and you know you can say anything and people will understand (and will probably have said similar things themselves in the past).  I hope it's a stage you are able to go through - I have found my life has got better and better the more I have been able to let go of my old patterns and programming.

Hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Thank you ((((( Board Dear Friends))))))))