Advice Please....

[angrygirl]

Can you guys/girls help me with a dilemma?

I was just talking to my sis and inviting her over for my baby's bday and I told her that I would be inviting my gmom but she said before that she didn't feel right going anywhere that my mom wasnt going to be, and that gmom prob wouldn't be there.  So I told sis that it was gmom's choice if she doens't want to go to anything she is invited to.  My sis said that she didn't blame her and it was ridiculous that this "fight" was still going on.  I told my sis that it wasn't just one fight that it was destructive to have her in my life and she said but baby won't know his grandparents and that is wrong.  I said no its wrong that she thinks the world revolves around her and can't do anything wrong and I don't blame her for it she can't help it she doesn't know she is like that, its just the way she is.  She said what will you tell baby when his cousins (her kids) talk about grandma/grandpa and baby doesn't know who that is? How will you explain that? I said I didn't know but it is better for baby to have a healthy environment without her than know the problems/vicious cycle of fighting and hostile environment.  Ok, my advice I need is...
Sis thinks its just a fight.  She always says that me & nmom were always close and never fought.  How do I explain to sis what the problem is with my mom? She thinks this is just the way our family is...every fam has problems.  Oh my sis has issues of her own, she is always right and is quick to anger and disagree with you, screams fights etc.   Do I bother explaining it to her? Or just let it go? I feel bad for sis cuz I am only sibling and this effects her holidays too?  Like how do I handle niece/nephews special days, bdays, communions, etc.  I can't expect my sis to come to mine if I don't go to hers can I?

Does any of that make sense? Sorry I am rambling again  

[satori]

wow, that's a truly tough one.  I'm not sure you can make your sister understand and you might just end up with her angry at you too!  maybe give it a little time to let what you've already told her sink in?  whether she gets it or not it's sure going to be tough on both of you to navigate holidays between your kids.  I really respect the steps you're taking.  your actions show great courage!

[angrygirl]

Thanks Satori.  My sis has no other family (her H doesn't have any family left,they are deceased) and my sis has had her not speaking with my mother periods as well.  My mom never showed up when her baby was born cuz they were fighting Didn't spend xmas one year with them cuz they weren't talking.  And many numerous other times, all of THOSE times though, Nmom had me.  But like I started to say, my sis will always be in contact with my Nmom because its the only fam she has other than me.

[bunny]

I was just talking to my sis and inviting her over for my baby's bday and I told her that I would be inviting my gmom but she said before that she didn't feel right going anywhere that my mom wasnt going to be, and that gmom prob wouldn't be there.

I guess she is not yet an adult. If she were, she'd go wherever she felt like going.

So I told sis that it was gmom's choice if she doens't want to go to anything she is invited to.

Good answer.

My sis said that she didn't blame her and it was ridiculous that this "fight" was still going on.

Your sister has taken sides and doesn't want to be bothered with the facts.

She said what will you tell baby when his cousins (her kids) talk about grandma/grandpa and baby doesn't know who that is? How will you explain that?

She pulled out the "embarrassment/shame" card. Very clever. But you didn't fall for it!  

I said I didn't know but it is better for baby to have a healthy environment without her than know the problems/vicious cycle of fighting and hostile environment.

Good answer again!

How do I explain to sis what the problem is with my mom?'

You already have explained and she doesn't want to hear it. No more explanations will help. She's taken sides. Don't rely on her or trust her with your vulnerable feelings.

how do I handle niece/nephews special days, bdays, communions, etc.  I can't expect my sis to come to mine if I don't go to hers can I?

How do you handle it? By treating your niece and nephews as you want your children to be treated. Go to their special days unless you're specifically disinvited (which may happen). If your sister doesn't reciprocate, it means she is a hateful, spiteful person. But this isn't a "quid pro quo" (tit for tat) situation. There are children involved.

bunny

[angrygirl]

Thank you for your response Bunny  I WANT to go to niece/nephews stuff but my Nmom & dad obviously come first they are grandparents.  And if my Nmom is at these events I don't want to be there, I am not strong enough yet.  I have always gone to my sisters and have always treated my niece & nephews special, I love them so much and want so much for them to have happy childhoods.  I want nothing more than to be with them especially now since I have a baby and a niece that is the same age...it should be a special time for the family.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I'm afraid they will wonder why they don't see you anymore. Even if you send cards they will wonder what happened between you and them.

Do you have a therapist to help you get stronger?

bunny

[satori]

I know this isnt' the best answer, but you could do special parties for these events that are just you and your sister and both of your kids.  I've never heard of kids ojecting to having two parties!  that's what I'd do if I wasn't able to make it to a special occasion for whatever reason... I'd honor them at a time when I could! even a trip to macdonalds together can be special!  or if money's tight, a trip to the park.