I am new to this site...

[bludie]

..and just discovered in the past few days that I was involved with an N. I thought at first that his primary problem was alcoholism. But in reading some information over the Internet, I now realize it's been much more.

I nearly lost my mind while trying to end this relationship. It's taken a toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's also greatly affected my 16-year-old daughter and I'm worried that this has permanently impacted my relationship with her.

Through a whirlwind of scenarios and situations, my N persuaded me that moving to a new city and "down-sizing" our lifestyle would afford us the most happiness and stability for my daughter. After months of relentless cajoling, I finally consented to moving about 100 miles away so I could still be near my mother.  I now realize this was a maneuver to isolate me.

Within a few months of moving, I began to realize it was a mistake. I tried as best I could, through counseling and another self-help program, to maintain a sense of balance and purpose. But between the N and his two sons, life became a merry-go-round of chaos and drama. The stress was unbearable.

It's been two months since we formally ended things. For the first 4 to 6 weeks after our break-up, he continued to harass me. He wanted a lump sum of money from me so he could "move on."  Having quit my job and cashed in on a retirement account in order to purchase our home (which, thankfully is in my name) I was not able to give him what he wanted.

His response was an emotional terrorist campaign to denigrate me both privately and publically. Through the help of friends and family, I was able to withstand his machinations, dig my heels in, change the locks on the doors, change my phone number, and hire an attorney.

It appears, for the time being, that his short attention span has taken him to greener pastures -- onto a life in Chicago of wine, women and song.

I am interested in healing from this as quickly as possible. What would be the best book to start with?

Incidentally, my Dad was also an alcoholic N. There's a history here and I am not interested in repeating it.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Hi, it sounds like you're already doing the right things for yourself and your daughter.

So what exactly do you mean by "healing" - what does this mean to you and what do you want?

[bludie]

...Heal in that I want to learn from this and not make the same mistake again. It nearly cost me my sanity and, having been raised by an N-Dad, I've spent far too much of my life in this maelstrom.

If there are other lessons to be learned, for life seems to be the eternal classroom, then so be it. But I am tired of dealing with this personality type and reeling from its influence, impact and particular brand of narcissistic pain.

[Anonymous]

Hi Bludie,

Welcome to the board...

Well, yesterday I unexpectedly entered an environment filled with narcissism galore and am still reeling from the experience.  So when I read your post, the rawness of it all came forth.  

I don't know if you meant you did not want to share your story about growing up with Ndad or if you did not want to repeat the mistake when you said "I don't want to repeat it here."  Just a little ambiguity I couldn't sort out by reading your post.  

OK, that said, I guess I would recommend that you find a way to examine the specific kind of narcissistic behavior of your Ndad displayed and the specific injuries that resulted in you.  These are your "hooks".  For instance, my Ndad was emotionally unavailable and critical (not vain and using).  I was trained to be an approval seeker.  I have one "friend" I have made trying to gain her approval.  I recognize now that I am trying to succeed in a relationship that is similar to the one I had with  my dad.  

The "repetition compulsion" is very powerful and can become an addiction if it remains unconscious.  Some people start to heal and then miss the "maelstrom".  

One relevelatory moment for me came in therapy when I was relating an experience that triggered a panic attack.  My T kept asking me what were you doing?  What were you thinking at the time?  I finally blurted out "Don't think less of me because I need something!"  Another message is "if you don't do what I want, you are BAD."  (the need for approval again)  Once these messages became conscious to me they lost a bit of power.  These thoughts still occur but I am now able to manage in a much stronger way.  

There is a reading list in the forum index on this board.  I would research those books that not only offer insight into the N disease but into the hooks and self-awareness of those they injure.  Your comment that alcoholism is only one symptom of the overall problem is very insightful.  It is a messy mask to cover up the core flaws of alcoholics.

I apologize for not being more specific in my recommendations.  I have read so many books that I can't remember which ones help the Nvictim identify their hooks and increase self-awareness.  But I hope this post helps a little.

Good luck to you.  Seeker
(PS I am a different poster than the first "guest"...)

[Anonymous]

Hi Seeker,

You mentioned that you unexpectedly entered an environment filled with narcissism galore. What did you mean? I'm asking with a bit of purient interest - I hope that doesn't offend, but I'm curious as heck.

[Anonymous]

Hi Guest,

I posted more under the Perfectionism thread.  That's about as specific as I want to get because sometimes I feel a little paranoid (self-absorbed?) that someone will be able to blow my cover.  

Peace, Seeker

[bludie]

...and comments.

I am new to online forums/chat rooms, so I'm uncertain if I am posting this correctly.

As for the experience with my N-Dad: He, too, was an alcoholic and physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. Not only did my siblings and I seek his approval but we simultaneously feared and loathed him.  Having just endured the 'black hole' of being sucked in by my own N-partner (no physical or sexual abuse but lots of emotional/verbal abuse), I can understand a little more how my mother was unable to stop the insanity or leave my Dad until most of us (six kids) were well into adulthood.

At any rate, when I mention not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my past, I am referring to getting swept away by someone and their agenda at the expense of my well being (and my daughter's). Although I have had a lot of counseling to understand/accept how the abuse with my father happened, it was never in the framework of understanding an N-mind and their patterns of behavior (it was in the context of trying to understand an alcoholic).

I am interested in the "repetition compulsion" concept and "hooks" mentioned in the thread below. The small town where I am located only has a few books on this topic (Alice Miller's stuff) so I may need to eventually purchase some other books.

I consider the exploration of the NPD as integral to my healing. It explains a lot. I wonder why previous counselors never mentioned this, although I do recall someone recommending "The Gifted Child."

[Anonymous]

Hi Bludie,

Well, a couple of books I read to understand myself a little better are Too Nice for Your Own Good and The Tender Heart.  Also (in my case anyway) Highly Sensitive People.  Go to amazon.com to get all the author info...

I would read these first before going to the usual Codependent type of literature.  I say this because I find the C label really not very well defined and also it seems like every type of compassionate and caring impulse could be labeled codependence.  

To understand Big Bad Daddy, I guess I would recommend Controlling People by Patricia Evans, If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth, and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy (can only remember his last name right now).  Also, there is a website for Neuharth's stuff at www.controllingparents.com.  

Well, take all this in in small doses.  It can become pretty overwhelming.  Hope this helps.  Best, Seeker

PS Did I already mention the reading list on this website?  Go back to the forum index and click on reading list or whatever its called.  Dr. Grossman compiled a list of all the books that were recommended here by posters over the last several months/years.  Again, good luck!