how do you deal with the insults/verbal abuse?

[guest of the evening]

Hi,
I'm going through a divorce to an N and he' s continued to be verbally abusive and psychologically abusive (mostly using the kids as pawns) throughout the process.  He writes me the most horrible emails telling me I have no heart, i'm an ice queen, i'm an awful mother, i'm crazy, he's sick he married me, i'm a disgusting person, i'm sick, i'm a bitch, i'm crazy, i need help and he fears for the kids, he hates me, i'm a sick,mean person and he regrets the day he met me, I'm a miserable person and he hates me, i'm twisted and selfish, he wishes he never met me, other people - everyone thinks i'm awful, etc.  I KNOW he's crazy and the sick one, and that i'm a very good mother, nice, etc, and that he's very very angry i left him.  I have NO feelings left for him.  But, even though i know all this, it STILL gets to me and hurts when I read this through email again and again.  WHY?  What should I do to protect myself from getting hurt from it?  When does the abuse end?!  Even leaving hasn't helped! Advice would be greatly appreciated.  thanks!

[Singer]

Two questions,

1. Why not just delete the emails instead of reading them again and again?

2. How is he using the kids as pawns?

If you're looking for advice, more details would be helpful.

Singer

[Anonymous]

The abuse ends when you no longer decide to accept it. It sounds simple but I know it's not. I know the knot in the stomach feeling when you see that there's another email being received and you know you have to read it because there might be something important in it re. the divorce.
BUT, you really don't need to read them. Block them or if that's too confrontational, hit the delete button. Have you a lawyer? Let all correspondence go through them.
It will end one day; when he no longer gets a reaction from you.

[bunny]

I would print out all emails (without reading them) and put them in a large envelope for your attorney. The judge may find them interesting.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Maybe this will help to read.

 http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/text6-5-2002-19792.asp

[Singer]

I would print out all emails (without reading them) and put them in a large envelope for your attorney. The judge may find them interesting.

bunny

Now that makes sense. Much better than just deleting the evidence. Better hope no one ever comes to me for legal advice.    

Singer

[Wildflower]

Bunny and Singer have offered some fantastic advice.  Definitely stop reading those emails, go through your lawyers instead of communicating directly with him, and yeah, give your lawyer the emails you've been getting.  Let your lawyer decide if there's something you need to address in those emails - otherwise let him/her use them as evidence.

Regarding the article posted by the guest above, I have to disagree.  While there are some valid points about how to stir up a narcissist, this article is essentially advocating becoming a narcissist.  When I realized it was written by Sam Vankin, it made so much sense.  My advice?  Don't listen to Sam Vankin's advice.  Or if you do, listen with a truckload of salt.   As tempting as it may be to fight back and give your ex exactly what he's been giving you, you'll just end up feeling horrible about yourself if you do.  I think it's important to find the strength to continue to remember and be the kind person you are - no matter how touch and nasty this gets.

Good luck,
Wildflower

[pandora as guest]

My divorce just became final, and over the past few months I got a lot of emails from my XH - saying all sorts of hurtful things, etc.  If his messages had anything in them that was threatening or relevant to his position on our financial settlement, I forwarded them to my attorney.  

I finally got fed up with his veiled threats and had my attorney write him a letter informing him that if he kept writing me stuff like "my wife has died", etc., that he would be served with a protective order.  After that he limited it to nasty comments about how greedy and horrible I was for pursuing a fair financial settlement.  Now I don't hear from him at all.  

I know it is hard not to be a little obsessive, but try not to spend too much time doing that.  Some of my XH's mean comments did really hurt, but it helped me to remember this - HE"S A LIAR!  The nasty things he says about you only show what HE is like.  

And definately keep copies of the messages and make your attorney aware of them, especially if he is being pushy or threatening in any way.  If he actually threatens to hurt you or take your children - and this includes financial threats - inform your attorney immediately.  Don't cave in to bullying.

Good luck to you and your kids.

pandora

[guest of the evening]

Thank you so much everyone.

I have kept the emails and have forwarded many of them to my attorney and have printed some of them out.  They've been very helpful as she's written some affidaits i.e. re visitation, etc. from them.

I do have to read the emails bc it's basically the only way we communicate with regard to the kid care schedule - we have one, but coordination of it, for example, when he can't take them due to work/travel.  I prefer email over the phone bc I don't have to talk to him then.  

You're right that he'll probably stop if he doesn't get a reaction from me.  I'd made the mistake recently of responding to his recent emails and it just prepetuated his meanness in the next email.  

He uses the kids as pawns bc he tells bad things about me, blames me for things when he messes up - i.e. when I don't switch visitation when he asks, and he tells me that when they grow up,they'll hate to hear how awful I was through the divorce, kept them from him, etc.

I'm feeling better at not having e-contact with him over the weekend, and after reading all your advice.  Thank you.

[lmb37]

Hello,

I can relate to your story guest.  I wish I had known about all of this seven years ago when I was leaving my first husband.  I allowed his behavior to intimidate me and basically gave everything up to avoid his constant harassment.  He threw my things away, he told my children a myriad of lies and distortions, he spread lies about me which shocked me! and then he would turn around and try to make nice!

Talk about confusion, anger, guilt and horror!  What helped was boiling things down.  Don't forget, I had no idea I was dealing with an NPD.  So I would ask myself questions like, would I change what I was? would I go back?   I learned to be honest with myself about me.  I took responsibility for the situations I allowed to happen and the times I should have said, NO WAY!  This self-exam stopped while I was in my second marriage but boy oh boy is it ever helpful now.  Especially since I know more about what I am dealing with from both ex-spouses.

I also decided to be honest with my children.  The more I tried to protect them the more confused they became.  I finally told them this was not normal behavior.  A parent does not ask you to look at the bills to get you to feel sorry for them.  A parent does not tell a child horrible things about the other parent.  A parent does not confide intimate issues to a child.  I did my best to stay as generic as possible because they love their dad.  They cannot divorce him as I was able to do.

If it is any help, they really do grow from you being strong.  My children have all faced demons that would have continued growing in them if I had not left and broke the cycle.  This was my only real leap of faith in the end.  I had to believe it was best for them and their futures.  It has been so far.

[guest of the evening]

lmb37, thank you so much for affirming my decision to leave for the best interest of the kids.  I still worry about them - about them having been exposed to him during our marriage - my oldest for around 3.5 years and my youngest for 2.5 or so years.  And exposed to me tolerating his cruelty/abuse.  I get angry at my son when he throws things - his dad did that a lot, and when he yells.  I get overly angry because i worry that he's learned this behavior and has internalized it from his dad.  But the truth is, he can modify what he's learned, and learn more decent kind and non N behavior.  And he can realize that i didn't stay bc his dad's behavior was so hurtful and destructive.  Thank you for helping me with some of this guilt/fear - guilt for staying as long as i did and fear of the kids turning out like their N dad.