How do we get rid of the guilt?

[Chica28]

How do we get rid of the guilt from a N parent?  I have spent my whole life being told how selfish, and self centered I am and somehow I always knew deep inside that could not be true.  Because somehow I was always the one running to her rescue or protecting her.  I was sent this website link from a family member and my eyes almost popped out of me head, reading that so many other people have suffered in the exact same way.  Presently, I have decided to get some distance from my N mother and of course, she is telling me how horrible I am to keep her away from my family.  I know that this is right for now because she has been on a rampage lately, but how do I stop feeling so guilty?    It's as if she is still controlling me and I am a grown women.  Every couple of days she will send an email or a message to say that she hopes I can realize the error of my ways.  And everytime it sends me into a tailspin.  I have a husband and children and I can't keep going through her cycle.  Please send some advice on how to cope with this.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

The first thing I would do is block her email from being received by you. If you dont' see it, you don't have to deal with the repercussions of it.

[Anonymous]

Dear Chica28,

Welcome to the board.  Get ready for the rollercoaster ride of recovery from Life with Nmom.  A lot of the ups and downs are what we ourselves do in our own head when exposed to our N parent.

My H calls it catching a cold or the flu.  When I spend too much time with my N, I kind of wither and it really affects my ability to "be" with my own family, as though I were physically sick with a cold.  

So I suggest one way to cope is to think of the time you spend interacting with your Nmom (in person, on the phone, emails, ANY communication, er, strike that, any interaction) is exposure to nuclear waste for you.  OK, maybe you would feel guilty if you thought of her as nuclear waste (that's our training).  A friend said I was like a moth to a flame, attracted to my very demise.  So you have to resist your ingrained conditioning to keep yourself healthy.

Hopefully you will be able to work out a balance of time spent with her (if any is possible and it might not be) that will placate her and not hurt you.  It depends on the degree of her sickness and on the strength of your own boundaries.  It's different for every situation, so do what's right for you.  It is not selfish to take care of yourself.

Peace, Seeker

[angrygirl]

Hi Chica! You are far from alone in this twisted web of guilt.  I just found this site myself and if nothing more it gives me a place to air what happened to me and NOT feel bad as though I am betraying my family by sharing it openly.  I am sorry that your mom is still trying to control you via email & messages.  My mom did it for years through snail mail  I can't really offer you any advice as I am struggling with the same as I type this..I have distanced myself from Nmom for over a year now..Had a baby and she could care less - she has my sis and her family to occupy her right now.  Did she ever send things to your kids when you weren't speaking? Or send things to you like photos of you when you were a baby/child? or other items that basically said she is through with you?MINE has and it hurts.  I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I feel really bad that you are going through this hurt  Hope you gain some strength here or at least feel free to post everything you want, it is very theraputic.   Oh and you should give whoever sent you this site a big fat kiss!!!

Angrygirl

[bunny]

Chica28,

Welcome. Your mother has learned that a constant barrage of guilt-trips may work on you. It's not that she's heartbroken, she is just a punisher with no inhibitions against letting you have it with both barrels of ammo. She wants you around as a punching bag, and you're not interested in that role anymore. But one can still feel guilty for refusing to be a punching bag anymore. It's been impressed on you that this is your job!

Guilt is not something one can get rid of completely. It's deeply engrained in our neurological system. The good news: guilt can be diminished and shortened in duration. I am prone to massive guilt attacks on myself that used to last for days. Now they last about two minutes. How did I do it? Therapy, anti-depressants and learning about personality disorders so I had a more realistic picture of my mother and myself.

bunny

[Anonymous]

I just read something in a book called 'Adult to Adult."  It is written from a Christian perspective.  It talks about the difference between shame and guilt.  Guilt comes from a wrong doing.  Shame comes from feeling like we ARE a wrong doing.  Do you get the difference?  We are not guilty if we don't do what our Nparent wants us to do.  They "shame" us for not doing it.  Remember the old....."shame on you.........?"  That's the worse thing we can say to someone.  The feelings are something that our parents have ingrained in us since we were kids.  It is so very hard to get rid of it because even if our parents don't say it to us anymore, we think it.  WE feel it.  It is in our very pysches.

I have figured out that even if I set healthy boundaries with my Nmom, and separate from her and do everything I can do to become a healthy adult, those messages keep coming up from within me!!!

My example is drinking.  I am 45 years old and I enjoy a nice glass of wine.  But guess what?  Every single time I drink one, I feel guilty.  Why?  Because my mom ingrained in my head from a very young age that "we don't drink."  Christians don't drink.   Imagine my reaction when I heard a pastor's wife friend of mine tell someone that her husband and she open a nice bottle of wine every Christmas eve after the children go to bed while they are wrapping the last presents.  A pastor and his wife?  How could they?  Christians don't drink!  Oh, yeah, I'm a Christian and I drink - but I'm different.  I'm bad.  That's because I was brain washed and then made to feel guilty (shame) when I grew up and started experimenting with alcohol............................

So realize that guilt is mostly brain washing and you have to have someone who is rational tell you that you are OK!!!  You are OK!!