Eye of the tornado

[Logy]

I feel like I am caught in the eye of the tornado.  Silent but deadly.

I am calm.  I can take the turmoil others pull me into to.  After all, I am a grown woman.  And have experienced the manipulation, the control, the denigration of my being.  I have survived.  And feel good, secure with who I am.

So this week I struggled with my Nboss.  Could handle it.  Called a team meeting with others who have been suffering this week.  Felt connected to the team, we supported each other and discussed ways to handle Nboss.

Daughter comes home, has issues with Ngrandma.  Listen to her, support her.

Decided I needed to call NM tonight.  NM was almost manic.  I don't know how to describe the conversation.  Though daughter talked about all the health issues NM told her about re: NM and my dad, NM only talked about her issues, but then said "things were good with her".   So, are they good or bad?  I felt so confused.  Then she asked about my work, I mentioned the issues with my Nboss.  NM started talking about things that were so out in left field and had nothing to do with what I had just said.

Then an old friend from school calls . She shared alot of issues in her FOO that I have.  That phone call just makes me want to collapse.  I'm all together and then just getting that call makes me want to collapse.  She know what I'm going through.  I don't have to pretend with her.  And it makes me want to fall apart.

So the calm in my life is the eye of the tornado.  My true feelings are being whipped around, battered, hanging on for dear life.

[Ami]

((((Logy))))


It is a Hell on earth to have an NM. There is no graceful way to DO it!                 x o x o     Ami

[Portia]

Hi Logy
I feel similar about the eye of the tornado.  Last night I said "compassion is one thing, remember compassion for self. There's only so much battering a person can take, and hey: why should we take the battering anyway?". I felt battered and served up with fries, ready to be taken. I think partly, given that there are givers and takers, the answer is stop being so much of a giver. Yes giving when it's reciprocal is good. Unfortunately, when you know so much about 'people' operate, you can know what they need and you can know that if you give it, you and others get a quieter life. On the other hand, there's a risk/reward thing going on. Give too much (take too much crap) and you will break down. Maybe neither a giver or a taker be? Maybe stand away from the game. Give it up. Mentally emigrate!

[Hopalong]

Logy, what are you doing with pieces of your time that is all and only about YOU?

An interest, a talent, a pleasure, a diversion?

Sounds to me as though you're just drained. So much intense interaction DOES drain people.

You're not weird because you feel this way.

Maybe you're just out of balance because you don't put interest/talent/pleasure/diversion time on your calendar.

When people overgive...it really helps to literally schedule it. (And practice saying, No.)

New habits. Life starts feeling better.

hugs
Hops

[Logy]

Portia, Hops,

I never looked at it that way.  That I am giving too much and that might cause this feeling.  So I looked back over the last several months and can't think of one significant thing I have done for myself.  My daughter is living at home with me now, I take care of her and her dog.  My neighbor moved out of state and I am watching her house.  My other neighbor went on vacation and I watched her dog and cat.  I work with a collie rescue group that has needed alot of my time lately.  I try to take care of my employees and try to protect them from Nboss.  Two of my employees are my daughter's age, with parents living far away so I feel like their mom.  I am teaching this semester so have additional work.  NM is becoming more needy.

Oh wait.  I did do something for myself last weekend.  I shaved my legs.

I love this board!  Thanks for the insight. 

Logy

[swimmer]

Logy-  This post just reminded me of the extreme demand my mother made on me to be selfless.  It's a bad habit I fall into as well.  I think I have to rewire myself from the brainwashing over and over.  Practice makes better and better.

Take care of you:)

[Logy]

Swimmer,
I felt the same with my NM.  The most painful thing to me is for someone to tell me I am "selfish".  And I heard that alot as a child.  If someone else showed me concern, gave me a gift, either NM ridiculed that person for showing me kindness, or I was deemed selfish for accepting a gift.  I still fight the feeling that I am only valuable if I am giving to others.

(I have a vivid memory of when I was 7 years old and a neighbor lady gave me a peanut plant.  I prized that gift.  But as a 7 year old, I had no idea how to take care of a plant.  I did the best I could but it died.  NM gave me no advice, no support.  Even though she prides herself as a master gardener.  Only her plants are allowed to survive.   ) 

[swimmer]

(((Logy)))

Your peanut plant story is a perfect example how a NM deletes a child from her radar whenever it suits her.  Not helping a child take care of a gift like that can be overlooked by most people as being busy or forgetful. 

Only a mother who is really nuturing a child's soul would use the plant as an opportunity to boost the child.  My eyes well up thinking of you being ignored.  This is real emotional and developmental neglect.  You are not alone...

[Ales2]

Logy - this post reminds me that my NM withheld any approval of any kind to just keep me working, working, working, and I never ever got there.........I never succeeded, because I'm already operating under her unrealistic expectations, her social comparisons, her unjust criticisms telling me I'm not good enough, so I just kept working harder and longer and doing more things.....attracting the same kind of cruel and malicious bully bosses.........and never getting anywhere. I've seen the error of those ways and I made some changes.......things are better for me and I think the success I've worked for and can honestly say I deserve are around the corner.  The gig is up!!!!

[Hopalong]

Logy...

Bingo!

(Calendar.)

love
Hops