Find your love languages - there are five according to Dr. Gary Chapman

[teartracks]

Google Five love languages test.   Edit in:  You have to google this;  Five love languages test.

This test is good for showing the things one can do for their children, mates, co-workers, kin folk, friends to demonstrate love in 'their' language.

Very revealing.  helped me a lot.

tt

[Lucky]

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/

[teartracks]

Hi Lucky,

Thanks for the referencto to the book on the five love languages.  However, you can google, five love languages test and actually take the test.  it's short and revealing.

Can you believe, I'm new to using a portable PC.  I haven't learned to drag and paste on it yet.  That's why I didn't copy and paste the actual website. 

tt

[Lucky]

When I have a bit more time I will do the test, it is also on the website I linked to.

[teartracks]

Hi Lucky,

No.  The test doesn't show up on the book site you pasted.  You can get to the test by going to Google.  Then search  five love languages test.
Sorry.  I haven't learned to copy and past on this portable PC, otherwise I'd paste the site in this post.  

tt

Hi CB,

Same for me.  Recently I was talking to the father of two teenage sons.   The sons are very different in nature.  One loves computer games and getting all the new stuff where that is concerned.  The other loves to 'be' with his dad tinkering on cars.  I mentioned the five love languages and ventured that the gamer probably liked getting gifts and that the second son liked spending quality time with his dad.  As I mentioned the latter, I think I saw a lightbulb moment in the dad's understanding about how the one son just liked to hang out with him.   Some of our communication is so subtle - I'm grateful for helps like Dr. Chapman's book that help translate things that look complicated on the surface but end up being simple once I 'get it'.

tt

[Lucky]

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

[Portia]

TT, I don't know what to say but I want to say something here but on the other hand i really don't want to be mmmm flippant. BUT: gimme a break: do i want a relationship with anyone who would prefer to receive gifts from me than to spend time with me? Hello? Is it just me? But isn't "Quality" Time (as opposed to "Shit" Time) the most important thing in a relationship and if that is not your main reason for being in a relationship, WTF is wrong with you?

As I said, i didn't want to be flippant or anything.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I don't think the issue with the five love languages is either/or. For example, my way of giving and receiving love (my love language) is DEEDS. I feel the most loved when somebody notices something I need done and they do it for me. But that doesn't mean I'm OK with getting no presents on Christmas morning or my birthday, never being touched, never having somebody sit down and discuss something important with me. And your primary love language influences the way you respond to other expressions of love. For example, years ago we were a family with three kids doing laundry on one of those mini, apartment-size washers and dryers. For my birthday, my husband said, "Stay at home, don't go anywhere this morning." Sears delivered an extra-large size washer and dryer!!! I was thrilled. But the women my husband works with said to him (a bit sarcastically), "Gee, what a romantic guy you are, giving your wife a w/d for her birthday!" But hubby knew me and what makes me happy. He SAW that doing so much laundry with miniature appliances was a big chore for me, and he wanted to make my life easier (a gift related to DEEDS ).

[Sealynx]

I found that test interesting in that I was so sure of and surprised by my answer. I choose physical affection, something I am not prone to because my mother would always grab me and hug me roughly. Like everything else it was a cheap way to make herself look affectionate when she wasn't. Often she would intentionally interrupt something I was doing with one of these hugs. In retrospect I'm sure she did that because she knew I wouldn't reciprocate and be annoyed. That saved her from having to engage in a real exchange of feeling and left me feeling guilty because I was so mad at her "affection.".

I don't believe most words people say and I tend to do a lot for other so gifts are often payback rather than love, but I can tell if they really care by their touch.

[Portia]

Wow, well....

Heart of P and Sealynx:

so those things are actually more important to you than time spent together?

Maybe I can see that.

[CB123]

Portia,

As I think about it, physical touch is very important to me and so is (as HoP says) the thoughtfulness of someone doing something that I need done.  Actually, its not so much that each love language is carefully defined with neat lines.  All the languages are important in a relationship, but the reason they are important has to do with the love language (at least that's how I see it).

HoP's delight at the washer gift could look like she is touched by a materiall gift.  But she knows that it is directly related to her language--it is a "doing" gift.  My love of physical touch might look that is my love language, but a lot of that love is related to my love language of time.  Sometimes I crave being told: "well done!" but not because verbal praise is my love language.  I am touched when someone takes the time to notice what I have done.

So, it can be deceiving a bit.  Maybe all the languages, when reduced to their most basic, are actually about time.

CB

[teartracks]

Hi Portia,

I love it that you have opinions.  I wouldn't even mind if you were flippant!  Sometimes things seem extraordinarily simple to me, but when I'm able to see it through the opinion of another, it's not all that simple.  As always, I value yours.  Honestly, I can't offer up more than others have here in the way of explaining and expanding the meaning of the love languages.   The book, compared to just taking the test obviously gives an expansive explaination of the love languages. 

tt



 

[Portia]

Hey TT
it's not all that simple.

Oh yeah. x 1000. I'm not thinking of love languages - or maybe I am - maybe it all boilis down to the same basic simple things, love languages. I feel a little odd. Do lillies remind you of funerals? They do for me. This is an educational time; but then it's all education, no doubt not just for me. Well I best be off and practice my Pema routines.

CB
Maybe all the languages, when reduced to their most basic, are actually about time.

That's what my brain said: time and attention. Take an obvious in-your-face piece of logic and 'common sense' and overly-disect it in to ingredients which are like air and water, and dress them up as some idea of 'this is going to change your life if you understand this'. Okay, as I say to market researchers, don't ask me, I'm not average. If it works for you(one), it works.

[Sealynx]

I think its important to differentiate between "alll aspects" of an ongoing relationship and those things that are needed to start the relationship and perhaps "test" it in inconspicuous ways. To me touch answers the question, "Are you telling me the truth about the depth of your feeling for me?" I am not talking about sex here but the information conveyed in simple human touch; reassurance, support and love. If you think about it, spouses who want to hide indifference can lie in many ways using time together, flowers, and specials things done just for you, but if you can read touch, they can't lie. It probably all goes back to which form of loving expression we were forced to "read" as children.

[Portia]

"which form of loving expression" - mind draws almost a blank with primaries. Well!

Testing is fine. It's probably only inconspicuous when one person is ignorant (all meanings of the word, applied severally). Not the sort of test you'd have to apply very often when you've got it together? I suppose it depends on your investment and what outcome you're looking for.