Sure
First of all did you watch this youtube video about the brainwashed, mind controlled White House Sex Slave?
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=9425.0It helped me to understand, and I made note that I am on a far, far lesser scale.
She developed Multiple Personality Disorder, now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, as her mind had many compartments that were accessed by 'triggers' from her 'handlers'. Yet she still had room for her own personality that went to school and did normal things. Remember, we use only about 10%, if that, of our brains. Hers began with paternal sexual incest when a baby. The 'knowledge was not there', but the pain was and she shut if off.
I experienced a lot of
physical abuse when very young, as well as emotional neglect. I believe now that I compartmentalized the physical pain of abuse, as by the time my 'husband' was beating me, it was only his alcoholism that bothered me. I loved him when I left and took our daughter, but I have remained alone. Part of that was to remain faithful to him for the year I suggested that we part, then meet again to see if he had cleaned up his act, and if we had a future. I saw him during that year and he apparently was not trying. I would no longer take abuse.
The
emotionall neglect/abuse that I experienced from both parents and 4 siblings turned me into a loaner, shy and introverted. There might have been a compartment 'being prepared' back then for emotions.
I was the family scapegoat, and made out to be different, and still do not feel as I used to when I tried to become closer to them after about age 20, so somewhere, I turned them off and put them away. We were all raised the same and I don't think there is any special closeness between any two of the 5 (except what I have tried to develop with my younger (by 18 months) sister, now 69 to my 70., and who is coming from Ontario to BC to see me this month for a week. I gather from her emails that she wants us to be like sisters ought to be.
She wrote this:
The days are passing quickly and two weeks from now I will have been at your home for days, already. Hard to believe. I am so much looking forward to it all. And wondering – as you must be, too – how the days will play themselves out. I know in my heart that we are going to DO this thing! We are going to be SISTERS together. And that pleases me.
My almost last emotional broken tie was with my daughter---is that where you read to write to me? That pretty well finalized the emotional compartment. First I asked her to please, at 19, not marry that man, to wait, and if it were real love, it would last. She cruelly retorted. 'I love him and we are going to be married and if you don't like it you don't have to come'. I blamed that on him. He is, I now know, an N, and he divided and conquered.)
Whatever I felt for her is a 'known' fact to me but it is not felt. I feel that she betrayed me badly when not even loving the husband she stood up for. (She told me she stopped loving him after the first child was born. I was there and could see why.) It 'killed' me, when he dismissed me. Then this past January she snail-mailed me a typed 3 page letter all about her and my 3 Grandkids, and said she is in love and finally knows what love is. Her 'partner' has 3 little children and she is adjusting to being a Mom to a 2½ year-old again. I immediately suspected it was a same sex relationship and it didn't take long to learn, from the return address on the envelope, not hers, but her partners. She is happy, and I felt a tender, supportive feeling for what some people these days still find objectionable, but am happy that she is happy and told her so. Ï also said, ''You didn't mention a name', but whats in a name, as it is the person who counts." I did not yet mention Gay or Lesbian, (snail-mail) as I had changed my email address to no longer receive abusive comments from her...digs...whatever, there was no kindness. Finally I emailed her as said that I believed etiquette called for me to admit to someone we know about her being gay, and show my love and support for her. I asked her who and she sent pictures of all but did not reply to my request.
With my sister coming, I emailed again with the request, as I said I needed to know if she were telling anyone else in her maternal or paternal family. Still no response. So I am somewhat upset, because 1 week with my sister----Heaven knows-- and I promised she could trust me. She is back in the compartment and all my sister will know is that she is well and happy, as are the kids
Now I suggest that all this would be traumatic for me, if I hadn't shoved then away to sit there unacknowledged, yet known and I just have the one personality. Yet, as with everybody, I can differ in my ways to deal with others. I have never 'lost a space of time' which means another personality has emerges in place of the one before.
Did you ever see the movie 'Sybil'? 13 different (maybe 15) personalities and some were still little children and some were boys.
I promised my sister that I would try to explain compartmentalization to her when she comes and that might be the final understanding she needs to know, to know how much she hurt me when I was in a car crash, 1969, and she cared for my daughter for 2½ months, of the year I was hospitalized, but brought her only once to see me. We had a hell of a row about that back in 1991-2 when I had cried my last!
I moved here with what turned out to be an N, in 1998, and then I was able to finally understand the emotional abuse part. I left him in 2002, and was No Contact with him and previous abusers. I would no longer take emotional abuse, and I developed boundaries, but am very much a loner and nearly 71. I am content. (Well except for being hit by a car Mar, 2o09 and still recuperating, but I have no expectations that anyone MUST look after me.) So I also beleive my independancy began very young, when I just might have fended for myself.
Does this help? Think of a pie cut into 10 pieces. I have 2 small ones, abusive physical pain and emotional pain, and one large one, ME, instead of 10 small ones with different names.
Ask me more if you wish.
xx
izzy