Author Topic: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.  (Read 2156 times)

sKePTiKal

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A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« on: March 29, 2010, 11:50:09 AM »
As a way of being able to think more objectively about the things I'm observing currently, I decided that a new topic might be a good place to stash it. My MIL has come to stay with us; she's been here about 2 weeks now. She is 82, going on 23... just as feisty and independent as she always was. This is after a major stroke 4 years ago, followed by major lung surgery for cancer. Last fall, around our annual beach vacation - she became ill again. A viral bug, was the diagnosis but she felt bad enough to call 911 at the time, because she "blacked out". (Drs believe it's because she was very dehydrated.) DIL is a trauma nurse, working at the hospital and asked for extra pictures during the cat scan, to rule out another possible stroke. Nothing showed up.

During her convalescence, MIL literally lost her voice. It took 100% concentration to hear what she was trying to say, her voice was as soft as a whisper but it also was even "breathier" than that. Well, it was identified as laryngitis associated with the bug she had. But when her voice didn't get any better, an ENT did another set of images - and referred her to a new cancer Dr, because plain as day, there was another growth near her esophagus. He believed that the cancer was the reason for her loss of voice. Well, some more tests and Dr visits later ... a simple outpatient procedure of injecting something like botox into her paralyzed vocal cord gave her voice, again. However, the final diagnosis was that a TIA was responsible for loss of voice. Cancer doc has ruled that her cancer is so slow growing, that unless she starts to experience symptoms from it - it's in her best interest to NOT treat it; that the treatment would so lessen her quality of life it just wasn't worth it at this time.

Hubby & I went with her to the first session with the cancer doc. I so wish he would teach other doctors his "bedside manner"! He explained things in very simple terms; he even showed her and us the MRI images; he gathered information about the whole of her life situation right now and talked to us about some of the choices she had - always with the utmost respect and compassion - almost like a therapist; OK - just like a therapist. MIL had it in her mind, that the Doc would "tell her what she must do"... and that she had to obey him. In my own experience - yes, most doctors do this - so I can see how she got that idea.

Instead of "ordering" a bunch of things and starting that whole invasive process of modern medicine practice, he surprised me and earned my eternal gratefulness by insisting that the most important thing for her right now, was to get her voice back if it was at all possible. We had explained that since we lived the closest to her and had no children at home, we were her "first responders" for both little and big things. Explained about our upcoming move and that we'd invited her to come with us, too. That we could guarantee her a private space, help her maintain her independence (which is very important to her), and yet be there very close - just in case. He wanted her to be able to speak for herself in the midst of so many decisions, as did I. To be able to clearly decide for herself.

It's a touchy thing, her independence. She wants to do for herself, the things she can. She doesn't want to be a burden or in the way. But she has begun to realize some of her physical limitations. So, she spent a month with the youngest son and his busy household. A couple of weeks with the daughter who has 4 very active boys; all under 13. Then, she came to stay with us. We have provisionally set up her "apartment" - it's on a separate floor - so that she is comfortable, while we finish our unpacking and arranging. She has a complete kitchen... and is able to cook what she likes, when she likes. She can return to her normal routines, watch what she likes to watch on TV, etc. Hubby and I mostly live a quiet, peaceful life (there are crazy-time exceptions); we are downright boring to people who like to always be "doing".

But, we never discussed ground rules. Boundaries. So, I had to explain to her that she wasn't "exiled" to her space! That she could come visit us any time (an elevator makes that much easier for her) and that we can pre-arrange dinners together. So, she cooked for us one night and we cook for her. At one point, hubby and I realized that neither of us had lived with "mom" for many, many years - so we both wondered how much that would impact the things we wanted to do. Fortunately, we don't often blast heavy metal music throughout the house! We are working out routines, ourselves... so we're all sort of in this together.

MIL is also making decisions about whether she will move in permanently with us. She has lived in her house for 50+ years. She still has friends there, though each month it seems to be one less. There are a lot of new people in her neighborhood who don't know about being neighbors; they go about their business and don't notice the other people around them. MIL's last living sibling and a passel of other relatives live within a short drive of our house. She is sure that she had a couple small strokes that caused her voicelessness - and those frighten her. She understands why none of the children think she should live alone anymore. Our house is big enough now, that they can come visit - with all the kids even - and she even has a guest room of her own, to accomodate visitors.

We've been thinking and talking about this for close to a year now; taking it very slow - one thing at a time. This weekend, we'll all converge at her house to talk about details of moving. We'll pick a time to all meet and pack her house up. We're bringing back her everyday dishes, more clothes, important papers and her car on this trip. We are 2 stop lights from her preferred grocery store and she gets her hair done in the same shopping center. She'll be able to drive herself - more independence - except during the busy traffic days of rental house turnover. We attended a health fair last weekend, and found that all the care she might need is right here.

PHEW... so that's what has been happening in "real time". There are many, many other things - the unspoken things - and subtexts - and for me, new experiences that offer me opportunities to learn what I didn't in my FOO, about boundaries. Usually I insist on doing things myself - but she so wants to participate and contribute and she can; it's even good for her - that I've had to relent and try to stop myself from the normal "no, I can do this" or "I want to do this, this way". That is old stuff - a hangover from dealing with my mom. MIL is nothing like my mom. It is still an occasional point of conflict between hubby and I. More boundaries... and how flexible or rigid they are.

Some of the unspoken things include the inescapable fact that she is 82. That she will need more care of all sorts and I've made a commitment to help her and to be here with hubby and her, throughout the process. I wonder sometimes, if I'm up to that task - but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I don't question my commitment; she has done some of the littlest things that have taught me SOOOOO much and has been like balm on those old FOO wounds. She bought me an eclair just because she wanted to give me a present. We've been planting - and when I finished yesterday she wanted to see what I had done; listened to my concerns about whether the plants would hold on the bank they're on with today's heavy downpours of rain. She said they looked like they'd be all right. My mom wouldn't have noticed that I was even trying to stop the erosion on the bank... and would've criticized the choice of plants, how I was planting them and told me how to do it "her way". It's just a small difference - really - but it feels profoundly, immensely different. The impact on me is reverberating in ways that I can't see the full effect of, yet.

Those things too, are lessons and observations about boundaries. About why they aren't always steel doors with alligator filled moats around them and archers on the walls. More on that later.
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seastorm

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2010, 01:24:51 PM »
Thank you for sharing so much about your life. How poignant a portrait you paint of the delicate new beginnings of the boundaries and inroads you are making with your MIL.  There is so much tenderness in this story especially in how your heart is opening to this very old lady.  You are lucky to have each other. Eclairs. How sweet.

Yes, all boundaries are not so frightening. Sometimes that can come down, with trust and love.  What a gift.

Sea storm

sKePTiKal

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2010, 09:10:04 AM »
Thanks Sea Storm! I'll post more soon... trying to nail down exactly when/where I go wrong (my boundary dysfunction) which confuses people. Those choices usually happen in the blink of an eye and are hard to see, except in retrospect. There is lot to learn from in our current situation - some of it I probably don't even know is there to be learned!

It's a long time since I've seen you around here - how are you? Doing well, I hope!
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2010, 03:27:59 PM »
I am moved and captivated by this topic, PR...
it will be so nice to read about someone's tender and unfraught relationship with an elder.

I do feel drawn to the very old. I guess my 10 years caretaking NMom was good practice, but our dear male friend who just died at 96 was a great antitode to that. I loved him and he offered me wisdom waaaaay beyond my almost-60 years.

And any tenderness and care we show to the very old is a precursor of how we want to be cared for one day.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2010, 04:01:56 PM »
Amber:

I was especially touched by the thought you put into preserving your MIL's independence and dignity.

Touched by how her attention and care, to your efforts in the garden, made you feel.

Mo2

sKePTiKal

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2010, 08:39:18 AM »
Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm still trying work out the old FOO script, in this process. Poor hubby & I have these moments where we're completely at odds and using indirect communication - assuming the other will know "what we mean". SIGH. I can see "whiffs" of my old battles with my brother... wanting him to be responsible for his messes; not me... fortunately, these evaporate as quickly as they come up; we sort it out and patch things up... and move on.

Perhaps what I'm observing really IS a mix of all the old stuff, some new lessons assimilated, and the fact that there is no "pattern" really for all 3 of us - we're all 3 in a new situation, even with each other. We each have our "old reliable" defenses to retreat to or pull out & apply to this situation; we each are trying to find something new - individually and together.

You know, those nice interactions with MIL... just those little things, are like some supernatural armor or antidote to my Nmom's Kryptonite. I talked to Nmom yesterday on the phone - and didn't even notice until later that things she said that normally would've "gotten under my skin" just bounced off and didn't matter. Makes me question how much my sensitivity to her prolonged my own agony, you know?

This kind of supports my theory that there is a point in this work, when we need to seek out positive and supportive folks and learn to accept that they might actual LIKE us as we are. That there is an end to the isolationism of "what's wrong with me" and agony and hiding and that "comfort zones" actually get in the way of progress. My "experiments" in real-life aren't conclusive proof; as TT would say - they're too subjective (which may not be a bad thing) - but so far, it looks promising.
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Gaining Strength

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2010, 09:46:50 AM »
You are mindful of those around you.  How lovely.

It sounds as if you are all working out a way to live together, create a true community, supportive and caring, finding means to overcome the bumps.  It sounds good to me.  Loving your mindfulness.

sKePTiKal

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2010, 07:12:49 AM »
My description sounds more Ozzie & Harriet (to me) than it is in reality, GS....

sometimes things go wrong, despite everyone's attempts to "get it right". Those are the real learning moments, though, I think. Sometimes those moments are tense and uncomfortable - even the dog moves away; sometimes after the fact, it's funny. Sometimes, my communication style is "fuzzy" and indirect; sometimes hubby's is all over the map - like a supersonic pinball he can go from talking politics to getting the oil changed without giving me a clue that he's changing the subject or letting me know we're moving on to another level of conversation... sigh. Admittedly - I can do that too.

Sometimes he can't help but do exactly the "wrong" thing that pushes all my buttons and the old need to withdraw for awhile has to be attended to. I want to be able to notice when I need some alone time... so I can tell him without him feeling like he's done something "wrong"... (my boundary "notice" I guess, needs refinement)... but at least I've been able to pinpoint one of the things that get me into that need to withdraw. I'll be trying to organize myself and my task - for instance, packing to leave yesterday - and he becomes like a little bird pecking and tugging at me: did you do this? remind me of this... come help me do this... and I feel like he's constantly deflecting me from my own stream of attention and it overwhelms me until I either get angry or withdraw in frustration. He needs to be responsible for his own stuff - imo; I need to trust him to be responsible for it; and we need to communicate less personally; more directly about those things. I need to recognize when I'm tired or getting overwhelmed and allow myself a solo "time out". And maybe we need to discuss "division of labor" more. His approach requires my presence and mine is "divide & conquer" - we can get twice as much done if we both work independently.

Ironically, when he suggests my approach, that makes me uncomfortable TOO. SIGH... I think this is attachment stuff ... and maybe even separation anxiety; it's for sure anxiety. In a travel situation - I "think" about my destination and what I'm going to do there - but I "feel" nervous and worried and sad about the departure place. I'm not able to pinpoint one exact Twiggy-moment that correlates with that, either. A time when I left home and left water running, for instance... or forgot to feed the cats... or when I didn't pack underwear. I haven't been able to communicate to him that I need to lower my anxiety levels; need to stop all the details long enough to feel myself breathe and be present... and separate myself from the "doing" before I spiral out into a total "snit fit".

Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2010, 10:18:55 AM »
PR, maybe LESS responsible is a goal?

Victor Frankl's revolutionary question is:
What is the worst thing that could happen, and in that case, what choices would you have?

In terms of his experience, the ultimate meaning was simply knowing that, with all control gone and doom ahead, he could still choose what he would THINK. He still had meaning, even when he had no control. Right up until death.

I think the meaning for survivors of Ns and traumas, is to know that. Our traumas do not diminish our meaning. Part of our meaning is our inherent worth and dignity. It doesn't matter if it looks like dignity or worth to anyone else, it's inherent. So...we got meaning, we got worth, and we got dignity.

Even if we leave water running, forget to feed cats, or go w/o underwear.

When I have his question "What's the worst that could happen?" running as a background hum in my mind, the corollary CHOICE is so much much more often than I'd have predicted, that I think this thought: Oh, well. Followed by choices.

I leave the water running: Oh well. (I feel some shame at the waste, pay some more next bill.) Oh well.
I forget to feed the cats: Oh well. (I feel some guilt, cats are pissed, I call someone to break in and feed them.) Oh well.
I don't pack underwear: Oh well. (I feel some shame, I remember feminism, I buy a pair, I enjoy it). Oh well.

The continuity is Oh well. (And shame.)

I like the phrase because it drums into my mind the word "well". All is well.
These mistakes or events don't have meaning, I have meaning.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2010, 11:30:53 AM »
Yes, Hops - all's well that ends well! Even if it doesn't appear that way on any particular day! LOL!! Time has an amazing way of changing how things look.

As an update - Obviously, with an 82 yr old in the house, healthcare is going to be an ongoing part of our life. She takes 7-8 major medications: for heart, thyroid, blood pressure, cholesterol, blood thinner (she had a stroke 4 yrs ago), etc... and as of last night prednisone. She'd complained of ear pain and a headache, beginning about a week after returned home to the beach. That was when the pollen was coming down faster that I could clean it up! She's always had severe allergies and takes 2 allergy medications daily.

So, calling around to find someone accepting new patients, I ran into Drs and medical practices who've reached their "cap" on the number of medicare patients they can or are willing to work with. Roadblock number 1 got overcome when I was able to schedule an appt for May, to have her coumadin levels checked with an internist who may become her primary physician. We told that we could go to the Urgent Care Center (even with Medicare) for these allergy/cold symptoms.

Perception - whether it's dealing with physical symptoms or emotional issues - is way more important than I previously thought it was. And my artist training in perception only provides one form of how perception works to help create thoughts and emotions... and I'm finding it insufficient... even when I'm able to combine perception with my rational troubleshooting and problem solving experience.

Case in point: my perception of my MIL's symptoms was that she might have a sinus & ear infection due to the pollen. I'd have about an 80% chance of being right - if we were talking about a person who wasn't elderly and already managing and trying balance out so many declinging physical processes in her body. And sure enough - the Dr prescribed ear drops and an antibiotic. But she also ordered blood tests - 8 of them - including one that hadn't been done by the army of Drs MIL has already been seeing. When the results of that one test came back - they called and insisted we pick up a prescription and she begin taking it immediately while they located someone who could see her today about doing a biopsy to either confirm or rule out possible Temporal Arteritis.

My perception told me that her symptoms were minor - even though the headache was troublesome and painful. My perception was incorrect for HER.

Add into that, my own fear/paranoia about medical "treadmills" that seemingly suck people helplessly into a universe consisting only of complex medical rules and "prescriptions" - and unnecessary treatments/tests - and my panic button went red alert during the phone call last night. Fortunately there are a few doctors & nurses in the family - so I did some asking of questions ands online research. There was one important piece of information that the nurse didn't give us last night - the actual results of the test compared to what is considered "normal" for someone MIL's age. The nurse was so urgently trying to make sure we complied with the prescription and biopsy orders she forgot to tell us - and I guess I picked up on that subliminally - and heard "fear". Perception again.

So... today I asked the nurse for the results and said they must've been quite concerned to call and insist on starting the medication last night, so what were the results of the test. It's elevated yes; but not a crisis today - left unaddressed, it would be a crisis, perhaps a fatal one later on. So, in reality this may be a very good "catch" by the Dr and the test - and not at ALL what my previous experience (and I feel justified fear - once abused, twice shy ya know?) and perception was telling me.

Perception can persuade one to believe something that later turns out not to be reality, when that perception doesn't have enough information... is biased toward what is inevitably limited personal experience... and some very important facts. I think this can also be applied to how we perceive boundaries of various kinds. Since there is no one "right" boundary for something in all situations... since each individual has different boundaries and sensitive "buttons"... perception can play an extremely important role in how high, how rigid, or how open and flexible one wants those boundaries to be. And experience can't always be relied on, if that experience is limited to dysfunctional FOO behaviors and patterns.

I guess this rumination is leading me to believe that it's quite normal, to "fly by the seat of my pants" and "make it all up as I go along" (re: boundaries), in regards to life, relationships... and that I need to ask & listen in greater proportion, to others... rather trust so much, my own perception and experience which is colored by what I've been through and may not be complete, factual in "this" instance, or reality....
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2010, 12:27:30 PM »
Wow. PR, just wow.

No time to tell you in detail but your MIL is so very very very lucky to have such a self-aware, thoughtful and decent DIL to be caring for her as the body does what it does in great old age.

So much respect.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

ann3

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2010, 03:07:29 PM »
PR,

You're an angel.  Your family is blessed to have you.  And, I love how you view this in terms of boundaries:  self respect & dignity.  Awesome.

lighter

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2010, 07:55:43 AM »
::sending light and healing thoughts for you and your family, PR::

Mo2

sKePTiKal

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2010, 08:47:28 AM »
Hey you all - I'm not such a saint! I'm receiving as much as I'm getting; there was a selfish aspect to my original invitation (at least in my perceptual prism-mirror of what is selfish).

She is constantly positive, cheerful, gracefully accepting what her physical limitations are -  and open to being persuaded to try to extend or push back the limitations. I think getting the pool open will be a good thing. She is always looking for ways to contribute to activities and the household within her means: she's on pine cone patrol with a long grabber stick and bucket on the nice days. She cleans up after dinner... and I've finally stopped stopping her. I'm picking her brain on planting, decorating, and cooking... trying to include her, but also expand my own inner limitations of "how things are/should be".

This is going to take a lot of time. I'm just beginning to see what all the commitment I've made is going to entail (you never see everything ahead of time!). Long waits in the medical offices - filling out the same forms yet again - hoping against hope that we are seeing one of the kind, aware doctors and not one of the hurried, harried ones. (I take my DS and play bejewelled during the waits - keeps me grounded.) This time, there's a biopsy scheduled for next week - to confirm or rule out temporal arteritis. And PERCEPTION is involved again...

because we saw a surgeon yesterday, who will perform the biopsy... her perception is that she's having surgery; an operation; next week. There will only be a sedative and local anesthetic; the whole procedure takes 20 mins. and no special restrictions/instructions for afterward. So I asked her to do me a favor, and not say the words "operation" or "surgery" - to say biopsy instead - so she didn't confuse or scare someone she talks to about it! Technically she's right - I let her know that - but she's also making it seem more major & scary to herself.

On the one hand, she makes jokes about her age & dying - saying she's had 82 years so far - and freely discusses "after I'm gone". But on the other - the scariest moments she's had have been when she was alone and "passed out". To date, no one's been able to provide a believeable reason for that... tho' the temporal arteritis that they're going to check on now... could be. And she's always maintained that the various Drs didn't find out why or what what caused it.

Kinda reminds me of the poster in yesterday's waiting room:

Children are to be SEEN, HEARD & BELIEVED. Apropos, I thought.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: A study of boundaries: MIL's moving in.
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2010, 09:10:20 AM »
So I hadn't realized how much I value "alone" time - the solitude where I can move about without bumping into someone, think my own train of thoughts without being interrupted - or having those thoughts "commented on" (which still sometimes feels like a criticism - but isn't). 

Hubby's taken off to help pack MIL's house this weekend. He left 30 minutes ago and I can feel myself slowly expanding into the space that's created. Sort of a big exhale. No big plans - lots of options too - for "doing", if that's where the space leads. If it doesn't, then just some "being" time works just fine for me. I am so "other" oriented (or so goes my own self-criticism) that I often don't heed the increasing need for solitude that comes up when I am also increasingly around other people.

It's an instinct for me - to always adjust myself to others at my own expense. A learned instinct, for sure. Useful at one time - useless and barren of positive results, now. At the same time, I also have observed that I reject offers to simply go have fun & relax... for the sake of some imagined image of how I want to spend time with others. Like I'm trying to impose my own idea (which may be what I want, really) in a negative fashion (saying, no I can't do that)... instead of opening myself up to the possibilities and giving up my idea/image of "how I want it to be" and simply going with the flow of being with people. These two things are the yin/yang - flip sides - of the same thing, I think.

Like it's "not OK" - not safe - to simply engage in normal interaction with others and normal activities. As if I fear being overwhelmed... exhausted by by all that adjusting to others... possibly carried away into something I don't want to do... and that I don't expect to enjoy myself or the connection with others. And here I thought I'd finished with that... sigh. Solitude does provide a counterweight to that pattern, I've found. So, time to make a few adjustments.

The other thing I'm working on, with mixed results but some definite progress, is "doing" for others without resentment. What works, so far, is for me to specifically ask for what I want help with in complete detail, including deadlines. And then to strip "ownership" from the task at hand. That way, if it gets done - it's done. If not, then oh well - but by removing my ownership from the task - then I also remove the reflex to blame and resent the fact that it's not done. This sort of lowers the "urgency" of the task; the importance of it... and typically, these tasks/things are always something mundane and unimportant - except in my distorted lens of "how things should be". Along with that, I'm getting better about setting the boundary of what I will/won't do... and that is feeling a lot "easier" and not such a struggle.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.