As a way of being able to think more objectively about the things I'm observing currently, I decided that a new topic might be a good place to stash it. My MIL has come to stay with us; she's been here about 2 weeks now. She is 82, going on 23... just as feisty and independent as she always was. This is after a major stroke 4 years ago, followed by major lung surgery for cancer. Last fall, around our annual beach vacation - she became ill again. A viral bug, was the diagnosis but she felt bad enough to call 911 at the time, because she "blacked out". (Drs believe it's because she was very dehydrated.) DIL is a trauma nurse, working at the hospital and asked for extra pictures during the cat scan, to rule out another possible stroke. Nothing showed up.
During her convalescence, MIL literally lost her voice. It took 100% concentration to hear what she was trying to say, her voice was as soft as a whisper but it also was even "breathier" than that. Well, it was identified as laryngitis associated with the bug she had. But when her voice didn't get any better, an ENT did another set of images - and referred her to a new cancer Dr, because plain as day, there was another growth near her esophagus. He believed that the cancer was the reason for her loss of voice. Well, some more tests and Dr visits later ... a simple outpatient procedure of injecting something like botox into her paralyzed vocal cord gave her voice, again. However, the final diagnosis was that a TIA was responsible for loss of voice. Cancer doc has ruled that her cancer is so slow growing, that unless she starts to experience symptoms from it - it's in her best interest to NOT treat it; that the treatment would so lessen her quality of life it just wasn't worth it at this time.
Hubby & I went with her to the first session with the cancer doc. I so wish he would teach other doctors his "bedside manner"! He explained things in very simple terms; he even showed her and us the MRI images; he gathered information about the whole of her life situation right now and talked to us about some of the choices she had - always with the utmost respect and compassion - almost like a therapist; OK - just like a therapist. MIL had it in her mind, that the Doc would "tell her what she must do"... and that she had to obey him. In my own experience - yes, most doctors do this - so I can see how she got that idea.
Instead of "ordering" a bunch of things and starting that whole invasive process of modern medicine practice, he surprised me and earned my eternal gratefulness by insisting that the most important thing for her right now, was to get her voice back if it was at all possible. We had explained that since we lived the closest to her and had no children at home, we were her "first responders" for both little and big things. Explained about our upcoming move and that we'd invited her to come with us, too. That we could guarantee her a private space, help her maintain her independence (which is very important to her), and yet be there very close - just in case. He wanted her to be able to speak for herself in the midst of so many decisions, as did I. To be able to clearly decide for herself.
It's a touchy thing, her independence. She wants to do for herself, the things she can. She doesn't want to be a burden or in the way. But she has begun to realize some of her physical limitations. So, she spent a month with the youngest son and his busy household. A couple of weeks with the daughter who has 4 very active boys; all under 13. Then, she came to stay with us. We have provisionally set up her "apartment" - it's on a separate floor - so that she is comfortable, while we finish our unpacking and arranging. She has a complete kitchen... and is able to cook what she likes, when she likes. She can return to her normal routines, watch what she likes to watch on TV, etc. Hubby and I mostly live a quiet, peaceful life (there are crazy-time exceptions); we are downright boring to people who like to always be "doing".
But, we never discussed ground rules. Boundaries. So, I had to explain to her that she wasn't "exiled" to her space! That she could come visit us any time (an elevator makes that much easier for her) and that we can pre-arrange dinners together. So, she cooked for us one night and we cook for her. At one point, hubby and I realized that neither of us had lived with "mom" for many, many years - so we both wondered how much that would impact the things we wanted to do. Fortunately, we don't often blast heavy metal music throughout the house! We are working out routines, ourselves... so we're all sort of in this together.
MIL is also making decisions about whether she will move in permanently with us. She has lived in her house for 50+ years. She still has friends there, though each month it seems to be one less. There are a lot of new people in her neighborhood who don't know about being neighbors; they go about their business and don't notice the other people around them. MIL's last living sibling and a passel of other relatives live within a short drive of our house. She is sure that she had a couple small strokes that caused her voicelessness - and those frighten her. She understands why none of the children think she should live alone anymore. Our house is big enough now, that they can come visit - with all the kids even - and she even has a guest room of her own, to accomodate visitors.
We've been thinking and talking about this for close to a year now; taking it very slow - one thing at a time. This weekend, we'll all converge at her house to talk about details of moving. We'll pick a time to all meet and pack her house up. We're bringing back her everyday dishes, more clothes, important papers and her car on this trip. We are 2 stop lights from her preferred grocery store and she gets her hair done in the same shopping center. She'll be able to drive herself - more independence - except during the busy traffic days of rental house turnover. We attended a health fair last weekend, and found that all the care she might need is right here.
PHEW... so that's what has been happening in "real time". There are many, many other things - the unspoken things - and subtexts - and for me, new experiences that offer me opportunities to learn what I didn't in my FOO, about boundaries. Usually I insist on doing things myself - but she so wants to participate and contribute and she can; it's even good for her - that I've had to relent and try to stop myself from the normal "no, I can do this" or "I want to do this, this way". That is old stuff - a hangover from dealing with my mom. MIL is nothing like my mom. It is still an occasional point of conflict between hubby and I. More boundaries... and how flexible or rigid they are.
Some of the unspoken things include the inescapable fact that she is 82. That she will need more care of all sorts and I've made a commitment to help her and to be here with hubby and her, throughout the process. I wonder sometimes, if I'm up to that task - but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I don't question my commitment; she has done some of the littlest things that have taught me SOOOOO much and has been like balm on those old FOO wounds. She bought me an eclair just because she wanted to give me a present. We've been planting - and when I finished yesterday she wanted to see what I had done; listened to my concerns about whether the plants would hold on the bank they're on with today's heavy downpours of rain. She said they looked like they'd be all right. My mom wouldn't have noticed that I was even trying to stop the erosion on the bank... and would've criticized the choice of plants, how I was planting them and told me how to do it "her way". It's just a small difference - really - but it feels profoundly, immensely different. The impact on me is reverberating in ways that I can't see the full effect of, yet.
Those things too, are lessons and observations about boundaries. About why they aren't always steel doors with alligator filled moats around them and archers on the walls. More on that later.
