Loose Cannon N Mom

[Carrie Ann]

One of the biggest problems I have with my widowed N mom is her attitude that I should be *useful* to her at all times.  Enphasis on USE ful.  Do you guys have that with your N parents?  Mere conversation is useless to her.  She wants action and sacrifice and nothing less will do!  She wants me or anyone for that matter to take her to the doctor, come over and help work on her bills, take her shopping, come pick up the flower pot when the wind blows it over, cook something, bring her gifts,take a look at this policy, help her flip the AC on,, anything...just DO something!  She loves disrupting my life so that I will run over to her house and take care of the most menial thing and the next day or two, she's at it again.  I have spent the last 15 years trying to untrain this woman who had groomed me all of my life to be the dutiful daughter.  I say no to her most every time  and have for years but she is relentless!  

I have never seen someone who never tires of asking, asking, asking...hoping for that one time I will relent and then I'm set up for more asking.  It never ends.  Honestly, I'm just trying to ride out this old womans life without a total break since she's 75 and newly widowed but I don't know how much longer I can live so defensively, day in and day out.
Every conversation is an outright ASK or it is a setup for tomorrow or the next day.  When she can't get me to DO something, eventually she'll try asking me out to lunch as a different approach to getting me in the helpful mode.  She's always fed us the BS that children should cater to their parents and she feels 100% percent entitled to this and why wouldn't we want to help dear ole mom constantly??  When my father was alive, they BOTH were this way...trying to pull me in on any and every little drama so it's not a new behavior for her.  She has no friends and never has and doesn't care as she has the insane notion that her children should fulfil all of her needs and desires.   Yet, she is comfortable asking strangers to do all sorts of things for her if she can get them to do it. She is absolutely encapable of *hearing* anyone's true feelings and talks incessantly so you can't attempt it.  The woman's an idiot, yet a genious.
 
The constant word in her vocabulary is *help*.  *I need help, no one will help me, if only you will help me, I have no help*....this she spouts to any and everyone she can get to listen.  She is not helpless as she can drive and take herself anywhere she wants to go around town.  Still..........*I NEED HELP*.  Can anyone relate to this insanity?

Carrie Anne

[satori]

well, I can see it as the opposite side of what I experience.  my mother has a really hard time spending time with me.  for years she used to drop by about once a month to fulfill her personal sense of obligation and say, "can't stay, I have groceries in the car!"  the scathing judgements she was able to fit into those five minutes was amazing.

in your post I can see the same lack of value for who you are.

[kat]

Oh my goodness - you're talking about by nmom.  When the paramedics came out and took my dad to the hospital, she talked their ear off.  They do not know her as the rest of us do.

Yeah, guess who's helping out at my mom's house now. . . those silly paramedics gave her their home number.

[Anonymous]

Carrie Ann,

My N-MIL was similar. She once called my H and demanded that he drive over and turn off a fan. He didn't do it. She called him incessantly at the office, trying to get his help/advice on this and that. He had to draw a line and enforce it for his own sanity. It wasn't easy for him, as he was punished for not "helping" her. Fortunately she had a caregiver in her last few years who took on most of the zillions of tasks she had in mind.

bunny

[Chica]

Wow- that is my Nmom too.  She has called my to drive 45 minutes over to her house to run into the corner store and buy her tylenol for her headache, and of course I did it.  This has been my fear of my Nmom getting older and me having to put up with all of her demands.  We are presently not talking but with her that can change when the wind blows.  Good luck to you,  I will say a prayer that God can grant you the patience you need to care for her.

[Singer]

I offered to take my Nmother grocery shopping on Sunday. Last week she wouldn't go because it was raining and she didn't want to get her "outfit" wet. I couldn't deliver because she had to take a nap and she wasn't sure when she'd be ready to get up.

So...I said, well, we'll do it next week. Called her tonight, but she couldn't talk because she was watching a program on television, so I said I'd call her Saturday evening and we could go Sunday. An hour later she called to let me know that she absolutely had to have her groceries on Saturday because she was out of everything and if I was too busy then she'd just risk life and limb, not just hers but everyone else's in her path I suppose because she's almost 80 and doesn't have a drivers license.

I said fine, you should do what makes you comfortable. Before you all think I've sent that demented woman on a suicide mission, be assured she will NOT do as threatened.

I've been a bit player in this woman's self absorbed drama for all of my life, but no more. Thank you all for sharing what you're going through. I won't be had so easily anymore.

Singer

[Carrie Anne]

Thanks all for your valuable comments and experiences.

Tha worst thing about my hugely high maintenence mom is that the minute the task you've performed for her is over, it really is over.  She'll gratuitously thank you then but remembers it no more.  None of my sacrifices are allowed to accumulate in her mind.  I'm only as good as todays *assignment* for tomorrow it is forgotten and will be replaced with new requests.  The year in and year out, decade in and decade out, wear and tear adds up to bigtime burnout.  And when I turn her down, no matter how much I did for her previously, I'm a piece of sh** for not being the good and helpful daughter RIGHT NOW.  And then me or my siblings are bad mouthed and pitted against each other until one kid steps up to be the good kid today.  And so it goes..arghhhhhhhh

[Psalms]

So true! The week after next, I've been summoned to go care for my nmom after a surgery.  I have to fly to get there.

I am already receiving letters of to do's while I'm there.  She doesn't necessary want me to help her recover - she wants me to do the housekeeping.  After it's done, the comments usually are, I wish you lived closer so you could do this all the time.

Afterwards, things that she was grateful for, are now things to complain to anyone else who will listen. . . they get twisted.

[Kiba Jin]

Oh Carrie Ann -- YES! YES! YES! I can relate to your post and almost every one of the threads  

I am still having touble dealing with the bizarrness of  Nparent World. There's no rule book, even if there is, the rules keep changing....and nothing I do is ever going to be right and even if I do do what they want me to do (those manipulative gits), my 'correct' action is so soon forgotten.  And no service I  can perform ever seems to mitigate my 'burden to them' status nor raise me higher in their esteem. They're certainly ones to compare kids to one another and point out who's better and who's defective.  I used to be at the top and now am at the bottom. It's so funny. These sorts of things are the same thing my parent said happened to her and here she is repeating it on her children (with a  few of her own embellishments). Oh well.  

peace and stay strong,
KJ

[Avril]

Hope it's OK to revive this thread from a little while back:  I've only recently found this board, so I've been working back to find stuff relevant to my situation - and boy is this ever relevant!!!

Carrie Ann said:

Mere conversation is useless to her. She wants action and sacrifice and nothing less will do! She wants me or anyone for that matter to take her to the doctor, come over and help work on her bills, take her shopping, come pick up the flower pot when the wind blows it over, cook something, bring her gifts,take a look at this policy, help her flip the AC on,, anything...just DO something! She loves disrupting my life so that I will run over to her house and take care of the most menial thing and the next day or two, she's at it again. I have spent the last 15 years trying to untrain this woman who had groomed me all of my life to be the dutiful daughter. I say no to her most every time and have for years but she is relentless!

I can so relate to this.  My NM is also relentless in demanding action and sacrifice.  I am  learning to say 'no' and practising it as much as I can, but it's a constant effort.

I have never seen someone who never tires of asking, asking, asking...hoping for that one time I will relent and then I'm set up for more asking. It never ends. Honestly, I'm just trying to ride out this old womans life without a total break since she's 75 and newly widowed but I don't know how much longer I can live so defensively, day in and day out.
Every conversation is an outright ASK or it is a setup for tomorrow or the next day. When she can't get me to DO something, eventually she'll try asking me out to lunch as a different approach to getting me in the helpful mode. She's always fed us the BS that children should cater to their parents and she feels 100% percent entitled to this and why wouldn't we want to help dear ole mom constantly?? When my father was alive, they BOTH were this way...trying to pull me in on any and every little drama so it's not a new behavior for her. She has no friends and never has and doesn't care as she has the insane notion that her children should fulfil all of her needs and desires. Yet, she is comfortable asking strangers to do all sorts of things for her if she can get them to do it. She is absolutely encapable of *hearing* anyone's true feelings and talks incessantly so you can't attempt it. The woman's an idiot, yet a genious.

This is exactly like my NMom.  And the bit about Dad is just the same too.  The only difference is that my NM won't take the initiative to ask me out to lunch - that would be up to me.  This I now see as a blessing, because if I don't do anything about it, nothing happens which means I'm left in peace!     However, the fall-out comes next visit, when it's my fault    I haven't been to see her for two weeks, or as she puts it, "Gosh! How time flies!  You just go along, doing all the usual boring daily things and then suddenly you realise it's been 15 days since we've seen each other!"

Incidently, it's taken a lot of work and effort and H holding me back    to stretch it to two weeks between visits, and there's generally still a couple of phone calls in between (that's generally me phoning her of course)!

The NM's total dependence on me is exaggerated further by her having moved away (after Dad died) from where they had lived for 43 years.  She refers to 'friends' back there, but Dad was always responsible for maintaining any social contacts.  A couple of people kept in touch with her for a few months after she moved here, but she did nothing about responding to them, so eventually they dropped away as well.  I have to keep encouraging cousins, etc to contact NM or she'd only have me and my sister (who lives in Australia, so only me really).  She's in semi-sheltered accommodation now, which helps because she'll usually join in on any organised events, but even that is starting to slip now and she's opting out.  There are a couple of people that Dad befriended who live near me, who I thought might have been potential aquaintences for Mum when she moved here, but she won't do a thing about it.  Then she complains constantly about how lonely she is.