Hi voicelessness friends.
I had an odd experience and would appreciate your thoughts.
I was invited to another female/cousins get together.
Actually not really asked but put on the spot a bit, instead of asking me at another time, the hostess in a receiving line at a wake, told my oldest daughter to remind me her party was May 2. With the tone that I was going but just needed a reminder.
This was during the wake of my mil ( who was a sweet dear), like I was prepared to let her know rather I could make her party, as I received her invitation by email during the last days of my mils life.
Then my sister also at the wake tells me, " Oh go to Deb's party it will be so much fun. Ruth's party was depressing, Debs will be a blast."
N sister completely oblivious to what I think or feel. Typical I know.
Then today I crept back to my old ways.
Thinking..thinking... should go?, she was nice (hostess) to come to the wake and give her respects. Don't I owe her? My kindness, my presence? This is my internal cycle.
As I continue to find every reason why I should go (last time it was a nightmare) and put myself aside
Record playing over and over in my head. As I sit there pondering, over they same old same old B.S.
At the same time I'm pondering....
I get a TEXT...............from my ex-sil whom is a very good friend.
She texts, "I'm beginning to think your avoiding me. he..he..he..
When I read her text I also saw I missed call by her, my daughter was using my phone that's why I didn't catch her phone call.
Anyway, I felt bad because she wished me a happy birthday and I didn't say thank you yet.
So I replied, and mentioned I'll call her later for her just let me know when is a good time.
She TEXTS me back.
"I knew that would get your attention. he..he..he.." "call me anytime."
Don't ask me why but this triggered me. This may mean nothing to most people and may seem so trivial and silly. But I felt she knew what to say to make me jump, and she was right. I know she wasn't trying to be mean. This is just sensitive for me, my issues.
But her texts and the pressure to go to the cousins party at the same time= old patterns of thoughts I don't like in myself.
I've decided I'm not going, with wobbly legs I sadly admit. I just don't know what to say.
Thanks seasons
sorry I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts together coherently.
