M is N

[Lupita]

Thank you for asking, Sea and Mo2

After only a few stories about him to my T, she said, "have you thought that he might be an N?"

Goos bomps.  

I knew it! , I thought.

He does everything that my mother does, That is why he makes me feel so paranoid.

I think the kinds of questions that might be helpful are:

Did this man enter into a whirlwind romance, moving faster than you wanted? yes

Did he push for intimacy and seriouse relationship before you were ready?
No, I did.

Did he respect your NO's, or did he see your NO's as a jumping off point to negotiate?
yes   

Does he tell you you're paranoid when you express concerns or does he listen and address your feelings without shaming you?
yes  he shames me

Does he threaten to end the relationship over every little thing or when he doesn't get his way (when you aren't doing as you're told?)
no

Does he care just as much about your feelings as he does for his own?
no

Can he compromise?
Depending on your definition of it.

[Lupita]

He asked me permission to dance with this old woman. I said yes. She came to our table several days later and she gave me a kiss on the forhead. I saw a very nice lady. I felt a very nice lady. Mike said in fron of us, I like older woman. I am attracted to older women.

I asked him why did he do thaty. He said he was being nice. I said that is not the way. You can be nice without expressing that. He said, I dont remember saying that. I said  nothing.

My T said that he is provoking me. This lady is nice and by flirting with her he creates stress between her and me, that way I get isolated.

T says that I will leave him when I am ready. usually I leave when I am so badly destroyed that I ahve no regrets. M is nepharious. Last saturday at a salsa party, a woman that always bothers us and sit with us and impose her presence to me, she was finaly gone and dancing with other guy and not paying attention to her. He thought I was not seeing him and he started waving at her. She did not wave back, i dont know if she did not see him or she did not want.

I have to leave this man. I know. Why cant I?

[seastorm]

He sounds like he is your whole world.

I dont know what to say because it is not what you want to hear.  You are with him and enthralled with him for very old reasons. So it is like being securely trapped in molasses. It is very hard to get out because we all desperately want to make it right. Because it was so wrong in childhood.

You will probably do this until you dont do it anymore. Like your therapist says. You have been giving us only the aweful painful things he does that cause you to doubt yourself, give yourself away, fear your intuition.  Dont lose your trust in your own intuition.
You seem so scared.  I have heard that fear is a gift. 

Take care of yourself.

Sea storm

[swimmer]

Lupita-

Sea is right, you'll see this guy till you don't.  We are all where we are, so be nice to yourself.  Life is a process, so you learn this over time....  

This might sound silly.... But is there a class you are interested in taking in the evenings?  If you make yourself very busy, it will be easier to avoid any calls he makes to you.  It's okay to "disappear" out of this man's life.  Ohhhh & if you learn something new in a class like sign language, swimming, pottery, yoga, or whatever it will increase your self esteem.

Don't let this man knock you down for too much longer... It's a great time to break free, you have no ties to him- like kids etc..... Easier said than done though I know.  It's easy to give advice, but hard to go through the process.  All in all trust yourself, I can tell you have a senseble inner voice by reading your posts.

Take care of you, you're feelings count:)

[Logy]

I'm happy for you in the sense that you have your T to talk to, to validate you, to support you.  These N's get us so entangled with ourselves that we don't trust ourselves anymore.  Here's to making your feelings a priority.  Breaking free will feel lonely at first.  You will doubt yourself, and wonder what is wrong with you.  Believe me, there WILL come a time when you will think "why did I put up with the craziness for so long?" 

I think it takes a couple, if not more, relationships like this to break the pattern.  Maybe if your mom was like this, you feel a comfort with the familiar traits, so you are clinging to him.  I don't know for sure.  But I know it took me several relationships to begin to listen to my inner voice.

Thinking of you and wishing you insight and peace.

Logy

[lighter]

It does sound like he's baiting you, Lupita.

Wouldn't it be great for this guy to redeem himself, and become a really great human being, because you're worthy of being treated well?

Of course, he's exactly who he was, doing exactly what he's was doing, before he met you.

In my opinion, all people are just doing what makes them feel good, no matter what kind of people they are.

He's not going to change his spots, Lupita.

If's he's a scorpion, that's his nature.

[Lupita]

knowing what I know about N, why do I keep liking him? They are zombies. no feelings. still, I refuse to leave him. He will be my own destruction. But I cant stop.He is mean. He does not love anybody, I think. He provokes me.

[lighter]

This isn't a dress rehearsal, Lupita.

This is your life.

Enjoy your moments, as you can.

Guilt sucks, tomorrow may never come and you like some things about this guy.

Concentrate on the good stuff.......

till you find a man made of "better stuff."

Mo2